Many nights I lay in bed thinking and writing but only "mentally". I don't want to get up and actually blog or journal. I want to sleep. You see I have 2 toddler boys! Makes sense huh? Well, tonight I finally decided to get up because I think I need to share this story with you. First, let me start by saying it has been a rough week. My emotions seem to be on this pendulum that swings SLOWLY from one end to the other, being joyful and doing well to crying and struggling. BUT the more I thought about it - isn't that the christian life? Grief. I learned about it in nursing school and Brian learned about it in medical school but neither of us have really experienced the depth of grief we are now. All I can say, is I would have never understood it unless I had experienced this type of grief. I can't really explain it and I don't know that you will ever understand it unless you experience it. And the type of grief you experience from the loss of a child is different than the loss of a sibling, a parent, a loved one. They are probably all unique in and of themselves. However, difficult the grief, it's important that you hear I am on a "swinging" pendulum. It doesn't stay in one extreme for too long. It always swings the other way. It's still hard when I go shopping and I walk past the girl stuff at the stores. Sometimes it's hard to see other babies and think of what it my life would be like right now. I wonder what kind of clothes, bows and shoes I would dress her in. I wonder how the boys would be with her. I have already thought about christmas. I have seen the "First Thanksgiving and First Christmas" outfits and it always brings me to tears. Sometimes, it seems like the "good" days are longer and other days the "bad" days are longer BUT IT ALWAYS SWINGS. This is by the grace of God, he comforts me and draws me close. Even when I am too weary to open my bible or sometimes even pray. He brings me peace and hope and joy. He renews my spirit and my longing for reading his word. He surrounds me with Godly encouraging women who love me! He reminds me she is in Heaven and to even think of all the lives she has changed, challenged, encouraged - and IT'S STILL WORTH IT~ Thank you Jesus for those sweet reminders!
Now to my story of the day! So, tonight we were having some friends over for dinner and I had to run to the store to grab a few things. As I was walking into the store, there was a homeless couple sitting right outside the doors. My first thought was, "I should buy them some food and give it to them on my way out!" That was it! I moved on to my shopping list. I told myself they probably won't still be there when I come out. I gathered all my stuff in the store - my anti-aging cream, some church shoes for my son, my few little groceries but I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head "Don't forget about the homeless couple outside". I continued to the register without any food items for them. I used the self check out lane and got to my son's shoes - no tag! Dang it! I really wanted those shoes but I am in a hurry and don't want to wait or go grab another pair. I finished paying for my items but then realized I NEED to go get them some food. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE GAVE ME ALL THIS MONEY! I DON'T DESERVE IT, I DIDN'T EARN IT. I started thinking of all the bible verses that called me to give generously and with a good heart, to give freely! I told the cashier to hold the shoes and ran outside to see if they were still there - they were! I ran back to get the shoes with a tag and grabbed some groceries they could eat. SO this time when I walked out I handed them the groceries and he replied, "God Bless". Now some of you may be thinking, Wow what a Saint, right? Nope! I just handed it to them and said here you go and kept moving because I was running late and I was nervous about what to say. Now, as I lay in bed I think of all the good news I could have shared with them. I could have shared how my daughter died a few months ago BUT how great GOD is despite my loss. Anyway, I am sharing this story to encourage you! I know we all feel that "tugging at our heart strings" from time to time. That is JESUS asking you to do his work, to serve his people. He came to serve not be served! He has called us to be like him. I didn't want to do it, but I did and I don't regret it. Just an encouragement to RESPOND! He will do the rest. You can't change their hearts, only he can BUT he will use us to GLORIFY HIM!!!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Struggling for him
I knew I felt a blogging coming just wish it wasn't always so late at night but I guess that is when my brain has time to think when all is quiet... Today is National Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day I have never heard of before and only know about now because of our loss and belonging to a FB group that is specifically for those who have lost an infant. I don't have a whole lot of emotion hearing this today, why? I go through all kinds of emotions all the time. Last week I was starting to feel normal again, a new normal, but more normal than I have been since Mabry passed away. I feel like less people are staring at me, wondering how I am feeling, what's going on with her today, is she gonna cry? I know I shouldn't care what people think but I always feel like people are watching me AND I just want to be known as Heather, not that girl whose baby died a couple of hours after she was born. I know people just care and worry for me but it is that constant reminder that I am different than them. Wow, do you hear the selfishness in all my statements! Yep, that's right, I am not a saint or any different than any other believer. I am not this amazing woman that all think I am. I still struggle as others struggle. I sometimes have to ask why? Why me? Why us? Why did he pick me to go through this? Can it be over now? Can I just forget this ever happened and move on with my life? The answer is so simple, yet so complex, and not completely within my grasp of human understanding. Why are we still here on this earth? Why can't he just come back now!!!! My selfish plea is that he will come tomorrow and take us all home BUT there are those, those out there he LOVES and CHERISHES and I have to think WEEPS over us. Those he is waiting on to come to him so that they can see him face to face and be in eternity with him forever someday. He has a kingdom and inheritance that is waiting! I can't even imagine how it will be to have no more mourning or pain. One that is so precious and amazing for his SONS, his beloved. This is YOU! This is all of us! I believe he desires that we would ALL choose him.
This is STILL all for HIS glory but that doesn't make it any easier for me, but his WORD helps.
Remember this,
John 1:1
In the beginning was the word, and the word was WITH God and the word WAS God. I think it can be a difficult concept to understand until one day it is made clear and you fully see this! HIS WORD, the bible, the words you SEE and HEAR as you read them are like him speaking into your soul -the deepest, deepest part of you. These WORDS are ALIVE! Like a cell - they MOVE inside of you.
Funny thing as I was thinking about blogging tonight and what I would say and tell you all the things that were going on inside my head tonight, all my struggles in my spiritual walk, all my struggles with my selfish thoughts and this is what I share with you. Words of encouragement to Press on towards the goal, the prize. Join me, join me in intimately, deeply knowing a father who can only LOVE you in a way that no one else can, a way you cannot even attempt to by filling up yourself with other things, or thoughts. For goodness sakes he created your inmost being. He knit you together in your mother's womb. He doesn't promise a world of joys, he actually promises us troubles in this world BUT he says take HEART for I have OVERCOME the world! John 16:33. He promises us an inheritance, a kingdom, an eternity that is far better that one millisecond on this earth.
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange where happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be OVERJOYED when his GLORY is revealed!
1 Peter 5:6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all you anxiety on him because he CARES for YOU. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion LOOKING for someone to DEVOUR. Resist him, STANDING FIRM IN THE FAITH, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of ALL grace, who CALLED you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you STRONG, FIRM and STEADFAST. To him be the power for ever and ever amen.
After my last post my husband said, "I want to tell you something but don't get mad". Seriously? What husband starts a sentence like that? ha ha Defenses up and ready? you betcha! ha ha. He said, "When I read your post, it doesn't even sound like it came from you?" I immediately let my guard down and smiled. I said, "Really? That's exactly what I want. I want Jesus to speak through me." I don't write down what I am going to blog before I type it up. I barely even think before I blog. I just have lots of thoughts running through my mind and decide to get up and start typing. I pray God just speaks through me each time so that others will be encouraged AND it gives me peace. Usually when I start typing I am upset, crying, and struggling BUT always by the end I am peaceful.
Tonight I want to share my favorite scripture with all of you:
1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful ALWAYS! Pray CONTINUALLY! Give THANKS in ALL things, for THIS is God's WILL FOR YOU in Christ Jesus.
This is STILL all for HIS glory but that doesn't make it any easier for me, but his WORD helps.
Remember this,
John 1:1
In the beginning was the word, and the word was WITH God and the word WAS God. I think it can be a difficult concept to understand until one day it is made clear and you fully see this! HIS WORD, the bible, the words you SEE and HEAR as you read them are like him speaking into your soul -the deepest, deepest part of you. These WORDS are ALIVE! Like a cell - they MOVE inside of you.
Funny thing as I was thinking about blogging tonight and what I would say and tell you all the things that were going on inside my head tonight, all my struggles in my spiritual walk, all my struggles with my selfish thoughts and this is what I share with you. Words of encouragement to Press on towards the goal, the prize. Join me, join me in intimately, deeply knowing a father who can only LOVE you in a way that no one else can, a way you cannot even attempt to by filling up yourself with other things, or thoughts. For goodness sakes he created your inmost being. He knit you together in your mother's womb. He doesn't promise a world of joys, he actually promises us troubles in this world BUT he says take HEART for I have OVERCOME the world! John 16:33. He promises us an inheritance, a kingdom, an eternity that is far better that one millisecond on this earth.
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange where happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be OVERJOYED when his GLORY is revealed!
1 Peter 5:6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all you anxiety on him because he CARES for YOU. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion LOOKING for someone to DEVOUR. Resist him, STANDING FIRM IN THE FAITH, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of ALL grace, who CALLED you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you STRONG, FIRM and STEADFAST. To him be the power for ever and ever amen.
After my last post my husband said, "I want to tell you something but don't get mad". Seriously? What husband starts a sentence like that? ha ha Defenses up and ready? you betcha! ha ha. He said, "When I read your post, it doesn't even sound like it came from you?" I immediately let my guard down and smiled. I said, "Really? That's exactly what I want. I want Jesus to speak through me." I don't write down what I am going to blog before I type it up. I barely even think before I blog. I just have lots of thoughts running through my mind and decide to get up and start typing. I pray God just speaks through me each time so that others will be encouraged AND it gives me peace. Usually when I start typing I am upset, crying, and struggling BUT always by the end I am peaceful.
Tonight I want to share my favorite scripture with all of you:
1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful ALWAYS! Pray CONTINUALLY! Give THANKS in ALL things, for THIS is God's WILL FOR YOU in Christ Jesus.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The New Normal
Mabry would have been two months today. She might be smiling and cooing at me. My emotions are raw tonight. I went about my day just fine but as the day wore on the sadness inside me grew. I see babies around me growing up and meeting milestones, ones I won't get to watch her do, like rolling over, smiling, laughing, sitting up and walking. I see little girls with cute shoes (I am a lover of shoes), bows and pretty little dresses. I don't get to do that - dress her up and buy her lots of cute shoes (a different pair for every outfit ha ha). When? When is the grieving and counting the days, weeks, months going to end? My guess is never. It will NEVER be the same. I will NEVER be the same. I have changed. I am more reserved and quiet (if you can believe that). I force myself to be social, to talk to others around me and I feel horrible if I don't reach out and talk to those around me. It takes everything in me these days to WANT to be social. Most days are ok now but I still have those reminders like today - 2 months. Will I really count every month, every year? It seems exhausting. I don't even know that I have much to say today. I have plenty going through my mind all the time, things I want to share with all of you but I just can't bring myself to blog that often. I don't want to because then I will have to think about her and FEEL. I don't like to FEEL all the time. I don't want to be sad and cry all the time. It's too much. God gives me joy each morning. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and two amazing, smart, happy, energetic boys!
Our bible study this week is over suffering for Christ. Suffering you ask? Don't you have to be a martyr? Be persecuted? That's what I thought but I suffer, I suffer alot. GOD chose me and my husband to give birth to a daughter so that more would come to know him, so that I would know him deeper, better and so that you would know him deeper and better. Paul writes this letter to the believers in Corinth and he says this,
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all COMFORT. He comforts us in ALL our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort GOD has given us. For the more we SUFFER for Christ, the MORE God will shower us with his COMFORT through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for you COMFORT and SALVATION! For when we ourselves are COMFORTED, we will certainly COMFORT you. Then you can PATIENTLY endure the same things we suffer. We are CONFIDENT that as you share in our sufferings, you will ALSO share in the COMFORT God gives us.
There sure is a lot of comforting that goes along with suffering huh?
WE PLAYED THIS SONG AT MABRY'S FUNERAL and it brought me comfort this evening.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden , I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.
And Oh, how he loves us, oh how he loves us, how he loves us ALL
And we are his portion and HE is our PRIZE, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes, If heaven is an ocean, then we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about the way.....
HE LOVES US!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
GRIEF
Grief, what does that look like? I am sure it is very different for everyone. I know there are some theories out there like Kubler-Ross, whom I would agree with it, but how that looks is so different. Today I went to my bible study at church and to be honest I can't even remember what she said or really if it was anything she said, but I started crying. I needed to just weep and let it out but I was in a room with over one hundred women and of course I was sitting in the middle. I started to look for the quickest, low profile, escape route. I looked to the left - nope too many people that know me and will see me crying, plus I might have to say excuse me to get past some chairs. So, I look to the right, same thing! Dang it! I can't stop the tears but I don't want to break down right here in front of everyone. I finally turned to a friend as nonchalantly as I could and asked if she had a kleenex, which thankfully she had a paper towel! I silently shed tears while I listened to our teacher, hoping that no one noticed. Now, before I go any further I have to give you a glimpse into my personality. My friend, Holly said it to the nurse at the hospital and I think it was the best way to describe me. She asked how I was feeling and Holly said you will never know how she is feeling. I am not an open book and I tend to hide my hurts and pains. I do NOT like to cry in front of people, it makes me uncomfortable. This is something I have struggled with all my life but I am getting better at it. Of course, today with 100 women all around me, some I know and some I don't. Really?!?! Really?!?! Not the place I thought I would break down. Anyways, afterwards my friend, Kristen, who handed me the kleenex asked if I was having a bad day and wanted to hug me. That was it! I lost it, just sobbing into her shoulder. Then it was time to leave. I had to pick the boys up from school in 20 minutes BUT the tears just started coming, I couldn't stop. My heart was aching so badly. I miss her so much but then I think to myself how can I miss her, she didn't really have time to develop a personality. I think I miss what would/could have been. I wish I could hold her again, stare at her and nurse her. I in know way want to make those mommies (especially mommies of newborns) feel guilty in any way but I wish I was up all hours of the night feeding and calming a screaming baby, I wish I was struggling to make it through the day with a newborn and my two boys who would be driving me crazy, I wish I was exhausted from having a newborn not exhausted today from grief. I cried all the way to school, trying so hard to compose myself so I wouldn't walk in there crying. NO SUCH LUCK! I already had swollen blood shot eyes and sadness written all over my face. I tried to keep my head down but when Carson's teacher (a friend) asked if I was ok I didn't lie - I said no and started crying again. I am so thankful for the teachers and directors at My School, they have been such a blessing to me, supporting me and praying for me. Thank you! I finally made it home to feed boys and put them down for a nap and I managed to mostly keep it together to accomplish this. Then, I laid in my bed and just sobbed. I learned something about grief I had never experienced before (probably because I have never experienced grief like this) it take a toll on you physically as well. My head hurt and my body has been so fatigued today but I couldn't sleep. My grief has overwhelmed me!
Now, if you hear anything at all I hope this next section resignates deep down within you and you may not understand or get it but I pray that you will at least get to see a glimpse of him in all my grief and sadness. I think God wants me to continue to blog so as to share with you - you know who you are. I am not claiming to be a theologian or as well-read on scripture as I should be so please read it for yourself. Do not take my word for it. We are studying the book of Colossians in our bible study, which was written by Paul. I have never done a study on Paul before but I do know that he was persecuted for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul spent years in prison, was beaten, whipped and stoned YET he DID NOT stop proclaiming Christ and encouraging the body of believers. Read the story of Paul in Acts Chapter 9. He was blinded by Jesus and then a disciple named Ananias was told to go to him and Ananias was reluctant and this is what the Lord said to Ananias in return Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to Ananias, "GO! This man is MY chosen instrument to carry MY name before the gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I WILL SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR MY NAME! I totally get this!!! I feel as though we are suffering for his name. He is using our daughter, our pain and suffering and grieft to spread HIS name. AMEN! I know this may be hard to believe but as the day has gone on and as I have laid there praying what few words I can fathom, God's peace washes over me. My life is not about me - its all about him, its all for him! We are for him! He created us FOR him. He created my daughter for him. He knew every moment, every breath she would breathe. He knew I would be faithful in sharing her with you! He knew his name would be glorified. I said from the very beginning This blog was created to share her story in hopes that many would believe in JESUS and those that believe would be strengthened and renewed in their walk with him.
I could not have said this this morning!
He chose us, he knew all along this would be our journey, our walk. He chose Paul to suffer for his name and he chose us from the beginning to do his will, to share his name, to proclaim his love and grace. I pray that you have seen that in us, through this blog and in person. I have to think though that Paul had days like I am having today. It is SO hard sometimes. Today at the beginning of the day, I didn't want this to be our journey, I just wanted my daughter back and I still do BUT I would rather him be glorified and those in this world come to know Jesus. My baby girl is already there but there are so many here on earth that don't know him yet (and when I say know him I mean a real relationship) I know that may sound strange to some of you - you would want your daughter to die so that others would come to know Jesus Christ - and the answer is YES a million times!!!! As I said, she is with him and we will be reunited one day in eternity. I may struggle with this at times but I always come back to it! To him be the glory! So, please hear me when I say that I am thankful to those of you that sent me messages via FB and other means that you have been strengthened in your walk, that you want to share Christ with your children, that you are going to church now, that you have asked Jesus into your heart!!! Those messages are encouraging to me and help me to continue sharing her life and now my grief with all of you! I have to think that Paul receiving word in prison that fellow believers were growing in their faith. I too, am encouraged. He says this in Ephesians 1: 15-16 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...... keep reading 17-23. This is how I feel about those of you that read my blog and share it with others. I hope you too are encouraged by it!
He loves me and I am blessed! Even when I am sad, yearning for my daughter - I know he loves me. His word says,
Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This is my prayer and I think will be my prayer for many months to come!!!!
2 Corinthians 8-10 (this was written by Paul)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My GRACE is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Now, if you hear anything at all I hope this next section resignates deep down within you and you may not understand or get it but I pray that you will at least get to see a glimpse of him in all my grief and sadness. I think God wants me to continue to blog so as to share with you - you know who you are. I am not claiming to be a theologian or as well-read on scripture as I should be so please read it for yourself. Do not take my word for it. We are studying the book of Colossians in our bible study, which was written by Paul. I have never done a study on Paul before but I do know that he was persecuted for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul spent years in prison, was beaten, whipped and stoned YET he DID NOT stop proclaiming Christ and encouraging the body of believers. Read the story of Paul in Acts Chapter 9. He was blinded by Jesus and then a disciple named Ananias was told to go to him and Ananias was reluctant and this is what the Lord said to Ananias in return Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to Ananias, "GO! This man is MY chosen instrument to carry MY name before the gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I WILL SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR MY NAME! I totally get this!!! I feel as though we are suffering for his name. He is using our daughter, our pain and suffering and grieft to spread HIS name. AMEN! I know this may be hard to believe but as the day has gone on and as I have laid there praying what few words I can fathom, God's peace washes over me. My life is not about me - its all about him, its all for him! We are for him! He created us FOR him. He created my daughter for him. He knew every moment, every breath she would breathe. He knew I would be faithful in sharing her with you! He knew his name would be glorified. I said from the very beginning This blog was created to share her story in hopes that many would believe in JESUS and those that believe would be strengthened and renewed in their walk with him.
I could not have said this this morning!
He chose us, he knew all along this would be our journey, our walk. He chose Paul to suffer for his name and he chose us from the beginning to do his will, to share his name, to proclaim his love and grace. I pray that you have seen that in us, through this blog and in person. I have to think though that Paul had days like I am having today. It is SO hard sometimes. Today at the beginning of the day, I didn't want this to be our journey, I just wanted my daughter back and I still do BUT I would rather him be glorified and those in this world come to know Jesus. My baby girl is already there but there are so many here on earth that don't know him yet (and when I say know him I mean a real relationship) I know that may sound strange to some of you - you would want your daughter to die so that others would come to know Jesus Christ - and the answer is YES a million times!!!! As I said, she is with him and we will be reunited one day in eternity. I may struggle with this at times but I always come back to it! To him be the glory! So, please hear me when I say that I am thankful to those of you that sent me messages via FB and other means that you have been strengthened in your walk, that you want to share Christ with your children, that you are going to church now, that you have asked Jesus into your heart!!! Those messages are encouraging to me and help me to continue sharing her life and now my grief with all of you! I have to think that Paul receiving word in prison that fellow believers were growing in their faith. I too, am encouraged. He says this in Ephesians 1: 15-16 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...... keep reading 17-23. This is how I feel about those of you that read my blog and share it with others. I hope you too are encouraged by it!
He loves me and I am blessed! Even when I am sad, yearning for my daughter - I know he loves me. His word says,
Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This is my prayer and I think will be my prayer for many months to come!!!!
2 Corinthians 8-10 (this was written by Paul)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My GRACE is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Goodbye
I have said I wanted to finish her story but I find myself lately wanting to continue to blog but first I feel as though I must finish her story, our story. Here is a little recap to where I left off.
Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE; MOURN WITH THOSE WHO MOURN. ROMANS 12:15
Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
In the Quiet
Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths. I called for the hospice nurse who came in as always with her soothing, calming, supportive presence. She listened for a heart beat with her stethescope and nodded her head at me. We all knew that she had passed. I remember at one point telling her it was ok to go to heaven and that she would have so much fun there and that Jesus would love her so much. She was gone. It was over. Our time with her had come and gone. My youngest sister was there with us and then my parents came in to say goodbye. I was utterly exhausted and in pain. I had been sitting up for hours and had not taken a pain pill (I didn't want to be lethargic or fall asleep; I didn't want to miss one moment). After my family left we decided it was time to do our footprints. We had bought all of us new bibles, including the boys, and had footprints placed in the bibles. It felt like it took forever. Brian helped the nurses while I sat there (my pain had gotten pretty bad). It seemed like an eternity. Then it was done. The nurse and hospice nurse left us alone with her and just said to call when we were ready. Honestly Brian and I had talked that we didn't want to keep her long after she had passed. We were afraid of how her body would change (me being an ICU nurse and him being a physician) we knew post-mortem could be not so pleasant to watch. BUT we wanted to be with her, we wanted to hold her and look at her. We took turns holding her with silence in the room, it was so peaceful. Then I decided to hold her to my chest and wrap my arms around her. I then realized I had not done this while she was alive - why? The only thing I could come up with was that I was afraid she would stop breathing if I changed her position. I clung to her in this position - it was so comforting to hold her to my chest and kiss her sweet head. I could tell we didn't want to let her go!!!! We knew we would have and after a while we started noticing changes to her body. We talked about how we weren't ready to let her go but that we NEVER would be, SO we prayed together over her body, rejoicing that we had so much time with her but that she was now in heaven with Jesus. Then we called for the nurse to come get her. She wrapped her up in the things we decided to bury her in and we kissed on her on the head and watched the nurse walk out the door with her to never see her again. THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING TO DO THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!! Watching them take her away to know that it was over and we would never see her again was SO HARD. After she left, we sat there for a few minutes in the silence and then in utter exhaustion, we crawled up on the couch bed and held each other as we fell asleep. Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
I want to post one more time to talk about the service and hope to get to that soon. It has almost been one month since she was born and died. Mostly the days are ok, busy with two boys and Brian working but every couple of days we are reminded of our loss here on earth and are saddened BUT I find comfort in the truth that she is heaven playing! Carson asked me just yesterday if we could get a pacifier to Mabry in heaven and I told him God has 100 million pacifiers in heaven because there are lots of babies in heaven with Jesus. Carson reassures me that she is happy and playing in heaven!! Thank you for all your support and prayers. We are truly blessed!
I want to post one more time to talk about the service and hope to get to that soon. It has almost been one month since she was born and died. Mostly the days are ok, busy with two boys and Brian working but every couple of days we are reminded of our loss here on earth and are saddened BUT I find comfort in the truth that she is heaven playing! Carson asked me just yesterday if we could get a pacifier to Mabry in heaven and I told him God has 100 million pacifiers in heaven because there are lots of babies in heaven with Jesus. Carson reassures me that she is happy and playing in heaven!! Thank you for all your support and prayers. We are truly blessed!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Oh the joy!
It has been a while since I have blogged but I just didn't have it in me. I have been physically and emotionally exhausted. I really want to share the story of Mabry's entry and departure from this world. We were admitted to the hospital around 6am on July 31st. My poor doctor had been on call the night before but had luckily gotten a little sleep. The process began and at one point my water was broken but due to the polyhydraminos, we needed something to catch the enormous amount of water. My husband and I joked with the nurse and doctor that we needed a swimming pool but in all seriousness we could have used one. At first, Brian (the doctor) and myself (the nurse) were fascinaed by how much fluid was draining. We joked about measuring it and finally had the doctor and nurse convinced we needed to measure the amount of fluid. I had been carrying around just a little under 5 liters of fluid!!! That is 2.5 bottles of pop!!!!! As the fluid started draining I could instantly take a deep breath. It was so weird, I hadn't been able to do that in several weeks. It felt strange to be able to take a deep breath. My belly was instantly sooo much smaller. I actually looked more like 33 weeks pregnant instead of 40+ weeks or as I said (what I would look like pregnant with twins). So, needless to say, we were able to find some humor in our circumstances AND we were surrounded by amazing friends and ALL of our immediate family. We were so blessed!
It was a long day, but luckily I had lots of friends in and out, along with almost all of our family. As per my norm with my other kids, I did not progress quickly. I really don't need to go into a long detailed laboring experience so I am going to skip to her birth. I had started shaking and vomitting, which my nurse said could be signs of transitioning (baby coming) but she told me I would feel pressure down there. Well, I had been sitting up for several hours so all of my epidural medicine had made my bottom completely numb. I was still having abdominal pain but couldn't feel any pressure, so I laid the head of my bed down. Still shaking and having quite a bit of pain despite increasing my epidural, all of a sudden I could feel down there again and FELT PRESSURE. The texts started blowing up people's phones. KC, my amazing friend and photographer, my family to get the kids up there ASAP and some friends. Remember, we had no idea how much time we would have with her and I was only 33 wks. Once I realized I wasn't making it up and was feeling lots of pressure - I started crying. It was time! I was not ready but I was ready. I was nervous, I was excited, I was scared, and I was sad. I was also so blessed to have my doctor at the hospital on his post call day that he came to my bedside within 10 min to tell me she was right there and it was time. They started prepping me and the room. It seemed to go by so fast and I was so worried that Carson (my oldest son) wouldn't make it back to the hospital in time or my friend KC wouldn't make it to take photographs. They were just about ready for me to push when I asked the Dr and nurses if they would step out for just a minute so my husband and I could pray. My Dr said sure but had to check one more time to make sure she wasn't already coming out on her own - she wasn't thankfully! So after they stepped out Brian grabbed my hand and started crying. He couldn't stop. I asked him if he wanted me to pray and he just nodded yes. I prayed to God thanking him for finally letting us meet our daughter! I asked for peace and I cried out for TIME - precious time. I asked he would give us time to enjoy her, time for our family and friends to meet her!!! HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!! She was literally out in 3 measly pushes. The Dr placed her on my abdomen. She wasn't wiped off before being given to me so I noticed for the first time how bloody babies really are when they first come out but I didn't care. I rubbed her little tummy and head. I had a friend ask me several days later when we were alone - what was the first thing you thought when you saw her? Without even stopping to think I said PRETTY! Then I said she looked a lot better than I was expecting (with all her genetic abnormalities). She was so beautiful! Both Brian and I were overwhelmed with JOY! I can't even explain it - I had no tears - I had smiles. God blessed me with this amazing beautiful baby girl! She was so precious. Yes, she had some visible abnormalities but to me she was perfect and I am not going to lie I was a little nervous about how she would look and would I be able to see past the abnormalities - but I did. Every single one of them! She was gorgeous and I was so happy! Carson got to come see her first and he just loved her too! He smiled! He kissed her head, he touched her head, hands and feet. He held her in his arms. He was so proud to be her big brother!
Next, family and friends came in to see her. Remember how I said that GOD HEARD MY CRY? Well, everyone there got to hold her, watch her, look at her toes and hands, trade blankets and headbows and listen to her coo. I watched everyone's faces as they held her so happy that they got to see my beautiful daughter. Our Sunday school teacher prayed over Mabry and her precious life that she had shared with all of us and you (as you have read and followed her story). She was born on July 31, 2013 at 09:10pm. She weighed 4lbs 5oz and was 13in long. I have to tell you we were so blessed, but I kept watching the clock just waiting in anticipation, 10:10pm she was still alive and breathing, 10:40, still alive and breathing, 11:10 still alive and breathing. It had been 2hrs and she was still alive - what a miracle! 12:20 she had been on earth for 2 days - July 31 and now August 1. GOD IS SO GOOD! But she didn't stop there! A little after 12 I noticed she kept grimacing and I didn't want her to be in pain so my hospice nurse came in and gave her some pain medicine, which seemed to calm her down. Another hour or two later she seemed a little more fussy and I got a little worried so I tried giving her a drop of milk. Finally after being alive for 5 HOURS she cried (which with her poor lung development was impressive), I called the hospice nurse back in because I couldn't take her being upset and we tried to problem solve what was wrong. She then looked at me and said, "Have you checked her diaper?" I wanted to laugh! I still got to have a "bad mommy moment" before she went to heaven. I never expected her to live long enough to even change a diaper! My husband took her to the warmer and we found that she had pooped! That was funny in itself but on top of that we didn't really know how to wipe a girl! We have two boys! I am thankful for the humor at different times during her short time with us and I don't feel guilty or bad that I missed the obvious - it is all part of her story!
At around 3:00am Brian was struggling to stay awake, I sat holding her in my arms while I talked to my sister. I even had to tell her if I fall asleep grab her!!! I had already caught Brian asleep with her twice! So many times during the night we had thought she stopped breathing and she would trick us and take a deep breath right as the hospice nurse would enter the room. I finally noticed at 3:20 her breathing had slowed way down and then less and less. Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths.
Brian and I both kissed her goodbye and called the hospice nurse to confirm, who listened for a heartbeat and confirmed that she was gone.
To be continued: I cannot finish typing anymore tonight. I am tired and weary but really want to share her LIFESONG with you all since you have followed us this far. Please bear with me I will try to finish it soon! I have so many amazing pictures I want to share!!!
It was a long day, but luckily I had lots of friends in and out, along with almost all of our family. As per my norm with my other kids, I did not progress quickly. I really don't need to go into a long detailed laboring experience so I am going to skip to her birth. I had started shaking and vomitting, which my nurse said could be signs of transitioning (baby coming) but she told me I would feel pressure down there. Well, I had been sitting up for several hours so all of my epidural medicine had made my bottom completely numb. I was still having abdominal pain but couldn't feel any pressure, so I laid the head of my bed down. Still shaking and having quite a bit of pain despite increasing my epidural, all of a sudden I could feel down there again and FELT PRESSURE. The texts started blowing up people's phones. KC, my amazing friend and photographer, my family to get the kids up there ASAP and some friends. Remember, we had no idea how much time we would have with her and I was only 33 wks. Once I realized I wasn't making it up and was feeling lots of pressure - I started crying. It was time! I was not ready but I was ready. I was nervous, I was excited, I was scared, and I was sad. I was also so blessed to have my doctor at the hospital on his post call day that he came to my bedside within 10 min to tell me she was right there and it was time. They started prepping me and the room. It seemed to go by so fast and I was so worried that Carson (my oldest son) wouldn't make it back to the hospital in time or my friend KC wouldn't make it to take photographs. They were just about ready for me to push when I asked the Dr and nurses if they would step out for just a minute so my husband and I could pray. My Dr said sure but had to check one more time to make sure she wasn't already coming out on her own - she wasn't thankfully! So after they stepped out Brian grabbed my hand and started crying. He couldn't stop. I asked him if he wanted me to pray and he just nodded yes. I prayed to God thanking him for finally letting us meet our daughter! I asked for peace and I cried out for TIME - precious time. I asked he would give us time to enjoy her, time for our family and friends to meet her!!! HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!! She was literally out in 3 measly pushes. The Dr placed her on my abdomen. She wasn't wiped off before being given to me so I noticed for the first time how bloody babies really are when they first come out but I didn't care. I rubbed her little tummy and head. I had a friend ask me several days later when we were alone - what was the first thing you thought when you saw her? Without even stopping to think I said PRETTY! Then I said she looked a lot better than I was expecting (with all her genetic abnormalities). She was so beautiful! Both Brian and I were overwhelmed with JOY! I can't even explain it - I had no tears - I had smiles. God blessed me with this amazing beautiful baby girl! She was so precious. Yes, she had some visible abnormalities but to me she was perfect and I am not going to lie I was a little nervous about how she would look and would I be able to see past the abnormalities - but I did. Every single one of them! She was gorgeous and I was so happy! Carson got to come see her first and he just loved her too! He smiled! He kissed her head, he touched her head, hands and feet. He held her in his arms. He was so proud to be her big brother!
Next, family and friends came in to see her. Remember how I said that GOD HEARD MY CRY? Well, everyone there got to hold her, watch her, look at her toes and hands, trade blankets and headbows and listen to her coo. I watched everyone's faces as they held her so happy that they got to see my beautiful daughter. Our Sunday school teacher prayed over Mabry and her precious life that she had shared with all of us and you (as you have read and followed her story). She was born on July 31, 2013 at 09:10pm. She weighed 4lbs 5oz and was 13in long. I have to tell you we were so blessed, but I kept watching the clock just waiting in anticipation, 10:10pm she was still alive and breathing, 10:40, still alive and breathing, 11:10 still alive and breathing. It had been 2hrs and she was still alive - what a miracle! 12:20 she had been on earth for 2 days - July 31 and now August 1. GOD IS SO GOOD! But she didn't stop there! A little after 12 I noticed she kept grimacing and I didn't want her to be in pain so my hospice nurse came in and gave her some pain medicine, which seemed to calm her down. Another hour or two later she seemed a little more fussy and I got a little worried so I tried giving her a drop of milk. Finally after being alive for 5 HOURS she cried (which with her poor lung development was impressive), I called the hospice nurse back in because I couldn't take her being upset and we tried to problem solve what was wrong. She then looked at me and said, "Have you checked her diaper?" I wanted to laugh! I still got to have a "bad mommy moment" before she went to heaven. I never expected her to live long enough to even change a diaper! My husband took her to the warmer and we found that she had pooped! That was funny in itself but on top of that we didn't really know how to wipe a girl! We have two boys! I am thankful for the humor at different times during her short time with us and I don't feel guilty or bad that I missed the obvious - it is all part of her story!
At around 3:00am Brian was struggling to stay awake, I sat holding her in my arms while I talked to my sister. I even had to tell her if I fall asleep grab her!!! I had already caught Brian asleep with her twice! So many times during the night we had thought she stopped breathing and she would trick us and take a deep breath right as the hospice nurse would enter the room. I finally noticed at 3:20 her breathing had slowed way down and then less and less. Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths.
To be continued: I cannot finish typing anymore tonight. I am tired and weary but really want to share her LIFESONG with you all since you have followed us this far. Please bear with me I will try to finish it soon! I have so many amazing pictures I want to share!!!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Homeward Bound
So hard to find the time or desire to blog lately. I hope to really sit down and share our story with all of you very soon but for now it will be short as I am exhausted. I made it! 5 days on bedrest and Brian completed his boards. We were admitted to the hospital on Wednesday AM. All of our family was able to be here. Sweet and precious Mabry was born on July 31,2013 at 9:10pm. I asked the doctor and staff to step outside and give us a moment to pray for we started pushing. Brian started crying and couldn't speak so I prayed for us. I cried out to God to give us time to spend with her so all could see her and hold her. HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!!! She was only expected to live for 1-2hours MAX but lived for 6 1/2 hrs. All of our family and some of our friends were there to hold on her and love her. She was beautiful and precious. Carson, our oldest son, loved her too! He kissed her, held her, touched her and liked flicking her hands and feet (ha ha). Bennett liked seeing the "baby" too. Although in the grand scheme of things, she did not live long, it seemed like an eternity for us that night. An eternity where I treasured every single moment, every single breath. I had been awake since 5am and refused to take pain meds or lay down. I didn't want to miss one moment! I know later I will feel like it was nothing close to an eternity but in that day, TIME stood still. It was so amazing and precious! I have so many things I want to tell you about that day and into the night but that story will have to come later as I am too fatigued. I want to give you details. I want to thank you for sharing this blog. The labor and delivery nurses, who I did NOT know prior to this, were telling me that our blog showed up on their FB page!!! WOW! I also want to share that my blog reports that over 26,000 people have read our blog. God is so good! I will share more soon. We are having a memorial service to honor our daughter's life this Saturday August 3, 2013 at 10am at Temple Bible Church in Temple, Texas. Tomorrow will be a day of celebration. I will be wearing a bright colored dress and have asked all those in attendance to wear bright colors. Our daughter is heaven with Jesus! This calls for a celebration!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Peace and Joy
How do you like that title? Never thought I would be choosing those as my titles this close to the end.
First, let me back up a little. On Wednesday I started having some painful contractions anytime I would do anything, even sitting. After laying down they virtually went away. The next day I tried to relax and not do much but it seemed like they came back with a vengeance. They really started hurting and although they were somewhat irregular I would have several close together and then a little down time. With that said, my Dr was out of town, my photographer was out of town and my husband has a HUGE test on July 30th that is pass or fail and you can only take once a year! I was in full panic mode. We hadn't packed anything! I had all of Mabry's stuff ready as its been ready for months. We had no overnight bags, camera, and whatever else I can't even think of. I then started thinking about the kids - they were tripping! They knew something had been up since mommy was laying on the bed all day and their were sitters and friends taking them. I realized what in the world are we gonna do if she comes in the middle of the night?!?!? Wake my kids up so they get to see her - CRANKY! They needed clothes too for pictures right? My sister in law was on her way from Kansas - praise God! SO, we packed what we could think of, left the kids with the sitter and headed to the hospital. Of course, labor and delivery was busy that night so we had to wait for some time. While I was sitting there my contractions were so painful and close together, but the funny thing was when I would lay down they would almost go completely away. After some time, we got taken back to be examined. I recognized the nurse; she had helped deliver Carson. She didn't remember us though and started asking questions and then the poor thing put her foot in her mouth. Oh, you have two boys, well that will be exciting to have a girl this time. Brian and I looked at each other and I just decided I needed to tell her so she didn't feel any worse than I already knew she would. Of course she apologized and we all moved on. Finally the resident and Dr came in. They examined me and decided my body could be trying to put itself in premature labor but it was too early to tell. Nothing was going on down there at this point. They said it could be from all the extra fluid. Then the Dr. started asking me what all I had talked about with my other Dr and what kind of plans we had made. Their is a procedure they could perform to pull some of the fluid off but he said it posed more risks to my health and they usually perform the procedure on women that are expecting a viable baby in attempts to save them. Don't get angry at this - he was just saying the risks to me in this case may not be worth the benefits knowing she was not expected to survive and it would only be temporary. Thus, we decided to forego the procedure. I told him we were really trying to keep her in my womb until after Tuesday , which was the day of Brian's test. I couldn't even imagine trying to take a test right after losing a child. So, we went home on meds to help with the pain and discomfort in hopes that by me being on strict bedrest the contractions would stop and we could hold off on labor until Wednesday July 31. Thankfully, my sister in law Christy got here while we were at the hospital. She has been such a blessing to us in addition to so many friends who have been bringing us dinner and helping with kids and running errands for me.
Now, we wait and pray. I am on strict bedrest until Tuesday, which is when Brian will take his test in San Antonio (2.5hrs away). I have only been sleeping about 3 hours a night and Friday night I got in the shower to try and relax. I started talking to Mabry telling her, Mommy loves you, but Jesus loves you more and you are gonna get to go be with him and have so much fun! I promise Mommy will be ok because Jesus loves her too. Another moment I had was early Sat morning. I thought to myself, I am going to get to hold my daughter soon! I am going to get to see her. I am so excited. I am ready to meet her. I am ready to see her face and love on her! Then when I got in the shower this song went through my mind, "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King". Today I am joyful and anxious to finally meet here. Today I am thankful for peace and joy that only comes from my savior!
Paul says in Phillipians 1:21-23
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet, what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, WHICH IS BETTER BY FAR.
My Mabry is going to experience something that is by far better than being here! I want her funeral to be a joyous day! A day of celebration! I hope those of you that come will wear bright colors in honor of her "graduation to heaven"! I know my family will be:)
First, let me back up a little. On Wednesday I started having some painful contractions anytime I would do anything, even sitting. After laying down they virtually went away. The next day I tried to relax and not do much but it seemed like they came back with a vengeance. They really started hurting and although they were somewhat irregular I would have several close together and then a little down time. With that said, my Dr was out of town, my photographer was out of town and my husband has a HUGE test on July 30th that is pass or fail and you can only take once a year! I was in full panic mode. We hadn't packed anything! I had all of Mabry's stuff ready as its been ready for months. We had no overnight bags, camera, and whatever else I can't even think of. I then started thinking about the kids - they were tripping! They knew something had been up since mommy was laying on the bed all day and their were sitters and friends taking them. I realized what in the world are we gonna do if she comes in the middle of the night?!?!? Wake my kids up so they get to see her - CRANKY! They needed clothes too for pictures right? My sister in law was on her way from Kansas - praise God! SO, we packed what we could think of, left the kids with the sitter and headed to the hospital. Of course, labor and delivery was busy that night so we had to wait for some time. While I was sitting there my contractions were so painful and close together, but the funny thing was when I would lay down they would almost go completely away. After some time, we got taken back to be examined. I recognized the nurse; she had helped deliver Carson. She didn't remember us though and started asking questions and then the poor thing put her foot in her mouth. Oh, you have two boys, well that will be exciting to have a girl this time. Brian and I looked at each other and I just decided I needed to tell her so she didn't feel any worse than I already knew she would. Of course she apologized and we all moved on. Finally the resident and Dr came in. They examined me and decided my body could be trying to put itself in premature labor but it was too early to tell. Nothing was going on down there at this point. They said it could be from all the extra fluid. Then the Dr. started asking me what all I had talked about with my other Dr and what kind of plans we had made. Their is a procedure they could perform to pull some of the fluid off but he said it posed more risks to my health and they usually perform the procedure on women that are expecting a viable baby in attempts to save them. Don't get angry at this - he was just saying the risks to me in this case may not be worth the benefits knowing she was not expected to survive and it would only be temporary. Thus, we decided to forego the procedure. I told him we were really trying to keep her in my womb until after Tuesday , which was the day of Brian's test. I couldn't even imagine trying to take a test right after losing a child. So, we went home on meds to help with the pain and discomfort in hopes that by me being on strict bedrest the contractions would stop and we could hold off on labor until Wednesday July 31. Thankfully, my sister in law Christy got here while we were at the hospital. She has been such a blessing to us in addition to so many friends who have been bringing us dinner and helping with kids and running errands for me.
Now, we wait and pray. I am on strict bedrest until Tuesday, which is when Brian will take his test in San Antonio (2.5hrs away). I have only been sleeping about 3 hours a night and Friday night I got in the shower to try and relax. I started talking to Mabry telling her, Mommy loves you, but Jesus loves you more and you are gonna get to go be with him and have so much fun! I promise Mommy will be ok because Jesus loves her too. Another moment I had was early Sat morning. I thought to myself, I am going to get to hold my daughter soon! I am going to get to see her. I am so excited. I am ready to meet her. I am ready to see her face and love on her! Then when I got in the shower this song went through my mind, "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King". Today I am joyful and anxious to finally meet here. Today I am thankful for peace and joy that only comes from my savior!
Paul says in Phillipians 1:21-23
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet, what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, WHICH IS BETTER BY FAR.
My Mabry is going to experience something that is by far better than being here! I want her funeral to be a joyous day! A day of celebration! I hope those of you that come will wear bright colors in honor of her "graduation to heaven"! I know my family will be:)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Weary
All I can think of these days is Come to me those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. My last post I wrote that we had a doctor's appointment the next day. Several things have happened since then which would probably explain my title for this blog: WEARY. First, I think it is important to share all of my blessings with you all! My personality tends to be on the pessimistic side so I want to start with uplifting thoughts and comments because although we are struggling, God's love and blessings have never ceased during this difficult time. let me start by saying I LOVE our doctor. He is so compassionate and great with us. He spends so much time with us and he ALWAYS let's me watch Mabry on ultrasound for quite some time in 3D. Usually I get to watch her wiggle and suck her thumb, but this time she was sleeping. So peaceful - she was so peaceful, which in turn made me peaceful! It was a wonderful few minutes in time. You see, we have ultrasounds every 4 weeks to see how she is doing. Another wonderful thing is, again, the body of Christ at work. I have had several friends take my kids and watch them from time to time allowing me to run errands, clean or relax. I have wonderful babysitters who are so good with my children and make me feel comfortable to leave them for a duration of the day. I have friends who have made me meals. Recently, I have had friends offer to help with planning and arranging our funeral service for Mabry. Today a co-worker dropped off some beautiful flowers, a blanket and many many gift cards!!!! I am so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity. I have people asking all the time how they can help and asking to watch my kids. Tonight I just don't know how to respond to such wonderful people but please know I thank God for you! I thank you for sacrificing your time and money for my family! I pray God would bless you for being so generous and kind. So, as I have always said I want to be open and honest with you so here is some of our struggles lately.
At our previous appointment, we discovered that I had developed polyhydraminos, which is not uncommon for the condition Mabry has. This is the amniotic fluid that cushions the baby. This condition is when you have too much fluid. Well, this last appointment, we discovered that my fluid level had almost doubled. My doctor asked if I was having trouble breathing and informed me we could a procedure to remove some of the fluid but it wasn't without risks and would only be temporary. On the contrary, my breathing has not been too bad. I feel like normal pregnancy breathing but I am more uncomfortable as I am taking on more fluid my belly is getting larger quicker. In addition to this, I have been having what are called braxton hics contractions, which I have had with both boys in the past so I am used to them but I told my dr they were different this time. My belly stays what seems like a constant contraction and then I will have a contraction on top of that. He told me that this was caused by the fluid and said it could put me into premature labor. I was 31 weeks on Monday. He suggested I take it easy, kind of like a light bed rest. Seriously??!?!?! With two little boys?!?!? I stopped working for now because they were way worse when I worked. Now I have them almost anytime I do housework or too much. Today I went to the grocery store and started having contractions, some that became painful!!! BUT I made it and we have food. Unfortunately, the rest of my day was shot having contractions. Sunday I began having regular painful contractions and we were worried that she was coming but luckily with lots of rest and water they slowed down after about 2 hrs. With all the contractions and possible premature labor, I have been trying to take it really easy at home, which if you know me is quite difficult. I don't just sit on the couch well but this did inspire me to finish preparing for her service, which is actually bringing more peace as I accomplish things. My friend, Danna said today that this is my way of nesting and I thought that is so true - I hadn't really thought of it that way. I am so thankful for her help in planning and arranging all of this (and that she will have help from my friend Suni). I am so thankful for my friend Amanda, who has sadly walked this road and is helping me walk this road. I am thankful for KC, my friend, who is doing all our pictures and helping with the slideshow we are going to play at the service. (You like how I am giving shout-outs! Ha ha! I feel bad not naming everyone of my friends - you have all been so amazing!)
Bad transition here but I am tired:
So, two major things have occurred since my last blog. First, Brian and I attempted to see if Mabry could be an organ donor with her condition. Unfortunately, after texting with my doctor, he didn't think her organs would be viable by the time she died. You see, the law states they have to be brain dead before they can make her an organ donor and he felt like by the time she died, (which would not be long after she is born) her organs will have already suffered too much for lack of oxygen. I think we were both really bummed about this but glad we attempted to check into it.
Secondly, one night I sat down with Brian and told him there was one thing I was unsettled on, cremation. Surprisingly he agreed. We talked about the possibility of burial and then I spoke with my friend, Amanda, and just felt more at peace with burial. Now, with that being said, I recently after looking at a funeral home's prices for everything have started to panick a little. Why does it cost so much to bury our loved ones? Well, anyway, with that being said, we found an infant casket that we both really liked. I haven't ordered it yet, fear I guess, who wants to order a casket for a baby? Ordering it makes it real! And a headstone - I was just too tired that day. There were so many options. Mostly, I felt like I was just doing it to get it done - emotionless. What's funny is I didn't cry while picking out a casket or looking at headstones, I cried when trying to pick music for the service and looking at slideshows to get ideas. I have cried every day now since Sunday and before that it had probably been a month. I know as time gets closer my emotions are becoming more raw again as I know my heart and spirit is trying to prepare in every way possible for something I cannot prepare myself for. Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone asking for her help with something for the service and it got silent because I started crying - it was actually kind of funny because I think she thought I wasn't there anymore for a second.
The reality is: She is coming, sooner than later. I am sad BUT as a friend and I talked today (and I will share this time and time again until that day) at her funeral we want to celebrate her life. I remember when I was little I always used to say I don't want people to wear BLACK to my funeral. I want them to wear BRIGHT colors! I am heaven with Jesus! And so it is with Mabry! She will be dancing with Jesus and happy and joyful in ways we can't comprehend here on earth. It will be a sad day as our time here on earth will be over BUT is it funny to say I am a little jealous that she gets to go to heaven? I know that all of our days here on this earth are numbered and we are all here for a reason but how amazing will it be when those of us that believe in him get to go to heaven and be in his presence one day! I pray that all of you reading this will join us one day! It is going to be absolutely breath-taking! Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess..... AMEN!
At our previous appointment, we discovered that I had developed polyhydraminos, which is not uncommon for the condition Mabry has. This is the amniotic fluid that cushions the baby. This condition is when you have too much fluid. Well, this last appointment, we discovered that my fluid level had almost doubled. My doctor asked if I was having trouble breathing and informed me we could a procedure to remove some of the fluid but it wasn't without risks and would only be temporary. On the contrary, my breathing has not been too bad. I feel like normal pregnancy breathing but I am more uncomfortable as I am taking on more fluid my belly is getting larger quicker. In addition to this, I have been having what are called braxton hics contractions, which I have had with both boys in the past so I am used to them but I told my dr they were different this time. My belly stays what seems like a constant contraction and then I will have a contraction on top of that. He told me that this was caused by the fluid and said it could put me into premature labor. I was 31 weeks on Monday. He suggested I take it easy, kind of like a light bed rest. Seriously??!?!?! With two little boys?!?!? I stopped working for now because they were way worse when I worked. Now I have them almost anytime I do housework or too much. Today I went to the grocery store and started having contractions, some that became painful!!! BUT I made it and we have food. Unfortunately, the rest of my day was shot having contractions. Sunday I began having regular painful contractions and we were worried that she was coming but luckily with lots of rest and water they slowed down after about 2 hrs. With all the contractions and possible premature labor, I have been trying to take it really easy at home, which if you know me is quite difficult. I don't just sit on the couch well but this did inspire me to finish preparing for her service, which is actually bringing more peace as I accomplish things. My friend, Danna said today that this is my way of nesting and I thought that is so true - I hadn't really thought of it that way. I am so thankful for her help in planning and arranging all of this (and that she will have help from my friend Suni). I am so thankful for my friend Amanda, who has sadly walked this road and is helping me walk this road. I am thankful for KC, my friend, who is doing all our pictures and helping with the slideshow we are going to play at the service. (You like how I am giving shout-outs! Ha ha! I feel bad not naming everyone of my friends - you have all been so amazing!)
Bad transition here but I am tired:
So, two major things have occurred since my last blog. First, Brian and I attempted to see if Mabry could be an organ donor with her condition. Unfortunately, after texting with my doctor, he didn't think her organs would be viable by the time she died. You see, the law states they have to be brain dead before they can make her an organ donor and he felt like by the time she died, (which would not be long after she is born) her organs will have already suffered too much for lack of oxygen. I think we were both really bummed about this but glad we attempted to check into it.
Secondly, one night I sat down with Brian and told him there was one thing I was unsettled on, cremation. Surprisingly he agreed. We talked about the possibility of burial and then I spoke with my friend, Amanda, and just felt more at peace with burial. Now, with that being said, I recently after looking at a funeral home's prices for everything have started to panick a little. Why does it cost so much to bury our loved ones? Well, anyway, with that being said, we found an infant casket that we both really liked. I haven't ordered it yet, fear I guess, who wants to order a casket for a baby? Ordering it makes it real! And a headstone - I was just too tired that day. There were so many options. Mostly, I felt like I was just doing it to get it done - emotionless. What's funny is I didn't cry while picking out a casket or looking at headstones, I cried when trying to pick music for the service and looking at slideshows to get ideas. I have cried every day now since Sunday and before that it had probably been a month. I know as time gets closer my emotions are becoming more raw again as I know my heart and spirit is trying to prepare in every way possible for something I cannot prepare myself for. Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone asking for her help with something for the service and it got silent because I started crying - it was actually kind of funny because I think she thought I wasn't there anymore for a second.
The reality is: She is coming, sooner than later. I am sad BUT as a friend and I talked today (and I will share this time and time again until that day) at her funeral we want to celebrate her life. I remember when I was little I always used to say I don't want people to wear BLACK to my funeral. I want them to wear BRIGHT colors! I am heaven with Jesus! And so it is with Mabry! She will be dancing with Jesus and happy and joyful in ways we can't comprehend here on earth. It will be a sad day as our time here on earth will be over BUT is it funny to say I am a little jealous that she gets to go to heaven? I know that all of our days here on this earth are numbered and we are all here for a reason but how amazing will it be when those of us that believe in him get to go to heaven and be in his presence one day! I pray that all of you reading this will join us one day! It is going to be absolutely breath-taking! Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess..... AMEN!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Chosen
Every Sunday when we go to church, I CANNOT make it through worship without crying. I do not feel lonely or abandoned or overwhelmed with sadness (strange right?) I feel God's love carrying me through this! Everytime! Yes, I am sad but his love is greater for me. I know he loves Mabry more than I ever could. He created her. I think Brian and I are both getting a little nervous as the time draws closer. We sat outside church this week before we went to pick up the boys and I told him, "It's getting closer. We really need to get things ready for the memorial service so we are not worried with this when she arrives." With some of her complications we are expecting her to come earlier than my due date. IT could be as soon as early August. That is less than a month away. One more month may be all we have left before it's over, she is gone. No more being pregnant, no more feeling her kick, gone. I am not ready but I never will be. I know I need to trust that it will all be just as God planned, perfect and beautiful, but that still doesn't make it any easier. Discussing a funeral service for your daughter with your husband just seems so surreal. This past month has seemed fairly normal. Life has been going on and happening. BUT Sunday, we both realized she will be here soon. Details, details, details. Pictures of us and her, colors and themes, music, scripture, ushers, where, when, what to do with kids, slide show, ect. There are so many details to a funeral. We have been putting it off and now we feel a stronger since of urgency to get it done, to be prepared, so that when she comes when can focus on her. Loving every precious moment we have with her. I talked with Carson tonight and told him Mabry could be here soon but that she would be going to heaven shortly after she gets here. I also told him that mommy and daddy would be happy and sad. He laughed and said in a funny voice - happy and sad?? ha ha ha ha. I explained that you could be happy and sad at the same time. He told me he wasn't going to be sad, well, maybe a little sad but not alot. I asked him if he wanted to hold her and spend time with her before she went to heaven and he said, "yes, Bennett is too little to hold her". I told him we would help him hold her but that all he would probably do is say baby, baby. Carson laughed and agreed. I am cherishing these short conversations we are having, as he doesn't say much usually. I love the innocence and happiness of children. I am thankful for his laughter. We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will have yet another ultrasound to see how she is doing. It is so sweet to watch her move and suck her thumb. I have been having lots of braxton hics contractions lately and some real contractions as well. I even had to leave work the other day because I was having so many and my back starting hurting really bad. This makes me a little fearful that it could be sooner than later but I have to keep telling myself, it will be perfect, just as he planned.
This past Sunday one thought remained in my mind, "We were chosen." We were chosen to have a daughter, our first one, after having two boys. We were chosen to carry a daughter who would have a lethal condition that would not allow her to survive after birth. God knew we would decide to carry her for as long as possible. We were chosen for this journey, this burden, this gift. I say burden and gift all in the same because I do feel it is a burden but it is also a blessing and a gift to be CHOSEN to be a part of this story. Jesus says, I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do (John 17:4). This is where I see what we are going through as a blessing, a gift. God chose Brian and I to be the parents of Mabry, whose life on earth is expected to be short, but very meaningful and powerful while in the womb and after she goes to heaven. The story of God's grace and love on our family will be forever. We will praise his name always! I know many struggle with the why of all this and how can you see God's love and grace in losing an infant. I don't struggle with the why and am certain it is because of my faith - I know we live in a fallen world but as was said in my Sunday School class this last week - he is sovereign over everything including Satan, who is claimed to be the ruler of this world. BUT knowing we live in a fallen world where there will be illnesses and cancer and other horrific things - this is not the end of this great LOVE story! God sent his son to die so that we may leave eternally with him! He ALLOWED his son to die for you! For each of us! Can you imagine? Allowing your child to die so that someone else might have eternal joy? God is preparing a place, a perfect place of beauty and joy that we can all together enjoy one day. And for now, Mabry gets to bypass this fallen world for a perfect place.
Another thought I want to share is I have always heard (and actually thought the same thing until recently) that when you get to heaven you can ask God WHY? We had a miscarriage with our very first at around 12 wks. People want to ask God why? Why did you allow that to happen or why didn't you make that happen? After experiencing what we are going through - I feel like God revealed something to my heart that brings me peace - maybe it will for you too. I can honestly say now that when I get to heaven I am not going to ask WHY? I honestly don't think I will care anymore at that point. We will have no more sorrow, pain or burdens. Only joy! Those things that we wrestled with on earth will no longer burden us. I mean think about it - we will be in the presence of the almighty God! I think we will all be so overwhelmed with his presence, love, beauty and joy that we won't care anymore. All we will want to do is worship him! Hallelujah! Amen!
Now from another perspective I have: I mentioned that being chosen was a gift, a blessing BUT also a burden. Yes, my faith brings me comfort and peace when times are hard but let me share another's struggling story with you. When we found out about Mabry we were going through the book of John in our sunday school class. A story, a strong emotion, stood out to me. It is when Jesus goes the garden of Gesthemane. Listen, he says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Matthew 26:38. Then continuing with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father if it is possible, may this cup (burden) be taken from me. Yet not my will but yours be done" Now what is important to note here is he goes away a second time and prays this yet again, vs 42: My father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done. AND YET AGAIN, HE PRAYS THIS PRAYER A 3rd TIME. This passage just rang throughout my mind. And I kept thinking, THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!! I understand that God is sovereign and if he wanted Mabry to be healthy and survive - then he is ABSOLUTELY capable of this! BUT I learned several years ago as I was growing and maturing in my faith - Not my will but his will! I know there is a reason GOD chose us. I do not know specifically what it is but I pray that he will be glorified, that one person or many reading this may see his great and amazing love for you!!! With all that said, it is not an easy road to walk. I mean look at Jesus, sinless, cried out 3x to take this (burden) from him. His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!!! He understands our sorrow, our sadness, he knows he has been there! God understands my sadness - he sent his son to die. He was seperated from his son. There is so much to this story if you don't know it. I know many are sad for us and cry tears of sadness and "can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child" BUT my God does, his son died for me and you! He rose from the dead and lives and was reunited with his father. We will be reunited with our daughter one day and what a glorious day it will be!!!
This past Sunday one thought remained in my mind, "We were chosen." We were chosen to have a daughter, our first one, after having two boys. We were chosen to carry a daughter who would have a lethal condition that would not allow her to survive after birth. God knew we would decide to carry her for as long as possible. We were chosen for this journey, this burden, this gift. I say burden and gift all in the same because I do feel it is a burden but it is also a blessing and a gift to be CHOSEN to be a part of this story. Jesus says, I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do (John 17:4). This is where I see what we are going through as a blessing, a gift. God chose Brian and I to be the parents of Mabry, whose life on earth is expected to be short, but very meaningful and powerful while in the womb and after she goes to heaven. The story of God's grace and love on our family will be forever. We will praise his name always! I know many struggle with the why of all this and how can you see God's love and grace in losing an infant. I don't struggle with the why and am certain it is because of my faith - I know we live in a fallen world but as was said in my Sunday School class this last week - he is sovereign over everything including Satan, who is claimed to be the ruler of this world. BUT knowing we live in a fallen world where there will be illnesses and cancer and other horrific things - this is not the end of this great LOVE story! God sent his son to die so that we may leave eternally with him! He ALLOWED his son to die for you! For each of us! Can you imagine? Allowing your child to die so that someone else might have eternal joy? God is preparing a place, a perfect place of beauty and joy that we can all together enjoy one day. And for now, Mabry gets to bypass this fallen world for a perfect place.
Another thought I want to share is I have always heard (and actually thought the same thing until recently) that when you get to heaven you can ask God WHY? We had a miscarriage with our very first at around 12 wks. People want to ask God why? Why did you allow that to happen or why didn't you make that happen? After experiencing what we are going through - I feel like God revealed something to my heart that brings me peace - maybe it will for you too. I can honestly say now that when I get to heaven I am not going to ask WHY? I honestly don't think I will care anymore at that point. We will have no more sorrow, pain or burdens. Only joy! Those things that we wrestled with on earth will no longer burden us. I mean think about it - we will be in the presence of the almighty God! I think we will all be so overwhelmed with his presence, love, beauty and joy that we won't care anymore. All we will want to do is worship him! Hallelujah! Amen!
Now from another perspective I have: I mentioned that being chosen was a gift, a blessing BUT also a burden. Yes, my faith brings me comfort and peace when times are hard but let me share another's struggling story with you. When we found out about Mabry we were going through the book of John in our sunday school class. A story, a strong emotion, stood out to me. It is when Jesus goes the garden of Gesthemane. Listen, he says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Matthew 26:38. Then continuing with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father if it is possible, may this cup (burden) be taken from me. Yet not my will but yours be done" Now what is important to note here is he goes away a second time and prays this yet again, vs 42: My father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done. AND YET AGAIN, HE PRAYS THIS PRAYER A 3rd TIME. This passage just rang throughout my mind. And I kept thinking, THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!! I understand that God is sovereign and if he wanted Mabry to be healthy and survive - then he is ABSOLUTELY capable of this! BUT I learned several years ago as I was growing and maturing in my faith - Not my will but his will! I know there is a reason GOD chose us. I do not know specifically what it is but I pray that he will be glorified, that one person or many reading this may see his great and amazing love for you!!! With all that said, it is not an easy road to walk. I mean look at Jesus, sinless, cried out 3x to take this (burden) from him. His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!!! He understands our sorrow, our sadness, he knows he has been there! God understands my sadness - he sent his son to die. He was seperated from his son. There is so much to this story if you don't know it. I know many are sad for us and cry tears of sadness and "can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child" BUT my God does, his son died for me and you! He rose from the dead and lives and was reunited with his father. We will be reunited with our daughter one day and what a glorious day it will be!!!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Pictures
Thanks to KC Brashear Photography for capturing 
something so sad but so beautiful to us. The memories of our precious daughter Mabry will never be forgotten and now we can remember them always with these beautiful family pictures. We are so blessed to have KC, who is a sister in christ, share in this journey with us. She will be joining us as we bring Mabry into this world to take pictures again once we get to meet her face to face. Thank you Lord for giving us tangible ways to remember our daughter!!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Preparing
Wow! It's been a while since I have blogged. We have been so busy. We moved out of our old house and into our new rental house. Today we said goodbye and turned in the keys. It wasn't our first house but it was the first house we brought home both boys from the hospital. Many memories were made in that house over the last four years. We will miss it but our excited about our new home. All of this moving has kept us so busy I rarely have time to think about Mabry coming in just 2 months or less. Brian completed his residency! YAY! He will officially be an anesthesiologist starting July 1. The road we are going down is not exactly as we thought it would be (moving to San Antonio for a fellowship in pain), but we feel extremely blessed by God and are embracing the next year. We have such a great support system in Temple with our church and friends that we know we couldn't be in a better place.
So, Brian had scheduled vacation for this last week because we were supposed to be moving to San Antonio but instead he spent the week studying for his boards, unpacking and moving, and we took some time to do some things we had been putting off. We went to visit with hospice. We didn't really know what to expect. First, the RN starts explaining what they offer by telling me stories about 2 little infants that lived for about 2 months after being born and how they helped them. It really freaked me out! I have never really considered the thought of bringing Mabry home with us until she passed away in our home, nor had Brian. This really sent us spinning. I have always wanted to be open about everything on here so I have to say my initial thoughts are I don't want her to come home. I don't want to hold her, watch her sleep, love and snuggle with her and feed her only to watch her die a short time after being at home. I don't know how I could ever look at that pack-n-play the same or even walk into that room everyday knowing that my child once slept in here, I held her in that chair, bathed her in that tub. In addition, how in the world does a 4 yr old grasp that his sister gets to come home, he gets to hold her and watch her sleep BUT wait now she is gone and will never come back. All of these thoughts break my heart - I can't imagine. I don't feel like I could be strong enough. BUT once again HIS grace is sufficient and if that is his desire, his plan then we will fully embrace it (not without tears and pain). BUT God is greater than my sorrow and struggles, he is stronger than me and my trials and he WILL sustain us! With that being said, we are trying to emotionally and mentally prepare for the possibility. Hospice also helped us to prepare a birth plan. This gave us some peace about when the day does come. Everyone that will be around us will know what to do. The nurses, doctors and staff will all know our wishes. I didn't even think about all the things ahead of time. Bathe her? Feed her? oxygen? It was very nice to talk about things we do/don't want.
After talking with hospice, we realized we needed to go visit a funeral home. We set up an appointment at a place recommended to us by some friends who lost their daughter. This was so hard! I can't even tell you how hard. It seemed unreal for parts of it and others all I could think about is I am planning a funeral for a baby, my baby. The man we spoke with was very matter-of-fact. I kept telling myself it wasn't that he was being rude, he deals with this stuff all the time. I am a nurse and sometimes you just get used to death and illness that you become numb to it all around you. I noticed he said "body" several times. I know many people would be offended but I wasn't - I get it. As nervous as I am to write this, I am going to. Everybody has a right to their opinion and decision. This is only our opinion - you can agree or not agree but please don't share with us. Brian and I have always wanted to be cremated. Our bodies are bodies when we die. We will be in heaven, so neither of us have cared too much what happens to them. So our initial thought was to have her cremated. But as we listened to him talk about cremation and urns, we decided we wanted to hear about burial. Even if we did decide to bury her, it would be so complicated. We do not know where our permanent residence will be, but most likely it will not be in Texas. So, we thought we would bury her in Oklahoma, but we weren't sure where. The funeral director told us we would have to get paperwork stating we could take her body across state lines, we would have to know where we going to put her PERMANENTLY, we could take her in her casket in the back of our car or pay $2.50/mile for them to transport her (not that money would be an issue if this is what we wanted to do). It was all so overwhelming! I told Brian I could not ride in the car with her in the back!!! Then we were back to cremation. We don't have to make a decision on where we want to put her remains right away. We would have some time to pray and think about it. We still haven't 100% made up our minds but we are leaning towards cremation. They took us in their back room to see some sample urns and they had caskets back there too. Not infant ones but sample adult ones. It was so weird being back there. I have never been involved in planning a funeral. I can't imagine having to pick out a casket to put a loved one in after they pass away. I had to leave that room quickly. It was becoming too much that day. The rest of the day I felt sad but also peaceful that we were getting some things in place so that when she comes we can solely focus on being with her. A friend is helping me plan her memorial service - thank goodness.
Needless to say, it has been a long week. I find myself too busy lately to cry or even think much about it right now but there are times when I am driving down the road and the tears come. They are brief for now but I know a river of tears is coming. I am just about 29wks and most likely we will have to induce early because of some complications, which means it is coming quickly. There are days when it feels like I have been carrying her forever, like when I am hot and tired but then there are others when I feel like I need more time to prepare. It is then that I have to remind myself, this is not about me! God has a precious amazing plan for her entry and departure from this world - I may not understand it but my faith believes it to be amazing and beautiful. And as hard as it is at times to say, I am thankful God chose my family for this purpose. I pray that we can be faithful to his plan and that he may be glorified in it all! He is MY JOY, MY PEACE, MY SALVATION!
I am praying tonight and this week for those of you that will read this! Praying that God would touch your heart in an amazing, ever-changing way!
So, Brian had scheduled vacation for this last week because we were supposed to be moving to San Antonio but instead he spent the week studying for his boards, unpacking and moving, and we took some time to do some things we had been putting off. We went to visit with hospice. We didn't really know what to expect. First, the RN starts explaining what they offer by telling me stories about 2 little infants that lived for about 2 months after being born and how they helped them. It really freaked me out! I have never really considered the thought of bringing Mabry home with us until she passed away in our home, nor had Brian. This really sent us spinning. I have always wanted to be open about everything on here so I have to say my initial thoughts are I don't want her to come home. I don't want to hold her, watch her sleep, love and snuggle with her and feed her only to watch her die a short time after being at home. I don't know how I could ever look at that pack-n-play the same or even walk into that room everyday knowing that my child once slept in here, I held her in that chair, bathed her in that tub. In addition, how in the world does a 4 yr old grasp that his sister gets to come home, he gets to hold her and watch her sleep BUT wait now she is gone and will never come back. All of these thoughts break my heart - I can't imagine. I don't feel like I could be strong enough. BUT once again HIS grace is sufficient and if that is his desire, his plan then we will fully embrace it (not without tears and pain). BUT God is greater than my sorrow and struggles, he is stronger than me and my trials and he WILL sustain us! With that being said, we are trying to emotionally and mentally prepare for the possibility. Hospice also helped us to prepare a birth plan. This gave us some peace about when the day does come. Everyone that will be around us will know what to do. The nurses, doctors and staff will all know our wishes. I didn't even think about all the things ahead of time. Bathe her? Feed her? oxygen? It was very nice to talk about things we do/don't want.
After talking with hospice, we realized we needed to go visit a funeral home. We set up an appointment at a place recommended to us by some friends who lost their daughter. This was so hard! I can't even tell you how hard. It seemed unreal for parts of it and others all I could think about is I am planning a funeral for a baby, my baby. The man we spoke with was very matter-of-fact. I kept telling myself it wasn't that he was being rude, he deals with this stuff all the time. I am a nurse and sometimes you just get used to death and illness that you become numb to it all around you. I noticed he said "body" several times. I know many people would be offended but I wasn't - I get it. As nervous as I am to write this, I am going to. Everybody has a right to their opinion and decision. This is only our opinion - you can agree or not agree but please don't share with us. Brian and I have always wanted to be cremated. Our bodies are bodies when we die. We will be in heaven, so neither of us have cared too much what happens to them. So our initial thought was to have her cremated. But as we listened to him talk about cremation and urns, we decided we wanted to hear about burial. Even if we did decide to bury her, it would be so complicated. We do not know where our permanent residence will be, but most likely it will not be in Texas. So, we thought we would bury her in Oklahoma, but we weren't sure where. The funeral director told us we would have to get paperwork stating we could take her body across state lines, we would have to know where we going to put her PERMANENTLY, we could take her in her casket in the back of our car or pay $2.50/mile for them to transport her (not that money would be an issue if this is what we wanted to do). It was all so overwhelming! I told Brian I could not ride in the car with her in the back!!! Then we were back to cremation. We don't have to make a decision on where we want to put her remains right away. We would have some time to pray and think about it. We still haven't 100% made up our minds but we are leaning towards cremation. They took us in their back room to see some sample urns and they had caskets back there too. Not infant ones but sample adult ones. It was so weird being back there. I have never been involved in planning a funeral. I can't imagine having to pick out a casket to put a loved one in after they pass away. I had to leave that room quickly. It was becoming too much that day. The rest of the day I felt sad but also peaceful that we were getting some things in place so that when she comes we can solely focus on being with her. A friend is helping me plan her memorial service - thank goodness.
Needless to say, it has been a long week. I find myself too busy lately to cry or even think much about it right now but there are times when I am driving down the road and the tears come. They are brief for now but I know a river of tears is coming. I am just about 29wks and most likely we will have to induce early because of some complications, which means it is coming quickly. There are days when it feels like I have been carrying her forever, like when I am hot and tired but then there are others when I feel like I need more time to prepare. It is then that I have to remind myself, this is not about me! God has a precious amazing plan for her entry and departure from this world - I may not understand it but my faith believes it to be amazing and beautiful. And as hard as it is at times to say, I am thankful God chose my family for this purpose. I pray that we can be faithful to his plan and that he may be glorified in it all! He is MY JOY, MY PEACE, MY SALVATION!
I am praying tonight and this week for those of you that will read this! Praying that God would touch your heart in an amazing, ever-changing way!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
The Body
What a day! I typed this big long post and thought I had saved most of it while I was typing and then I got logged out and it disappeared into thin air. I am too tired to retype everything I wrote before so I am going to go with what is most important.
The days have become mundane. We are working diligently to get moved over into our new house. It is only a mile away but I have been loading the pilot endlessly and taking loads over there. God has given me a physical and emotional strength this week to accomplish these things but now I need to ask for help. I am tired and worn out! I have gotten alot done and am super thankful!! Right now I rarely remember what is coming quickly upon us. I am so busy trying to get us packed and moved that I don't feel as though I have time to even think about. Life is doing what it always tends to do, sweep on by. I feel as though this season is good - I know some of you may think why in the world would you want to forget right now?!?! I don't - but crying and being sad 24/7 is exhausting and God gave me 2 amazing little boys that I love and want to cherish all the time I have with them while they are little. Maybe this sounds, like I don't think about her or want to deal with it - not so. I still have my moments - like when I took Carson to VBS for his very first time on Monday. When I was walking out of the church I about lost it. Then, back in May when he had his preschool graduation ceremony and they played the graduation song while they walked down the isle!!! I think I am realizing the milestones are gonna get me - when I get to see my boys cross those milestones I think something inside me aches knowing I won't get to see her cross those milestones. Even writing that makes me tear up!! She is so precious in every way and I am so thankful when I get to go to my doctor's appointments - we get to do an ultrasound every time. Our doctor is great! He lets me watch her in 3D. She sucks her thumb and flips around in there. I love it - those will be some of my most precious memories of her. I just lay there and watch her. I can tell she would have been feisty and my boys would have loved having her here to boss them around:)
On another note I want to pick up where I left off with JOB. If you read my last post, I talked about how in the first chapter Job loses all his financial wealth and ALL of his 7 children but yet still he praised God. In chapter 2, Satan believes that surely if he inflicted physical suffering on him he would curse God. So, Job gets these ulcers and sores from head to toe. Can you imagine? This made me think about all the people I know that our physically ill and in pain on a constant daily basis BUT yet still they find JOY in God daily. Amazing! Next, his wife sees how miserable he is and asks him, Why don't you just curse God. He replies, Why are you talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble? Interesting thought huh? What I really want to focus on though that really stood out to me is Job's friends. He has these 3 friends that hear about all his suffering and leave their homes to "sympathize with him and comfort him".
Job 2:12-13
When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to WEEP ALOUD, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. They they sat on the ground with him for SEVEN DAYS AND SEVEN NIGHTS. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
This amazed me! These 3 men left their families, traveled who knew how long, to sit and weep with their friend. Brian and I have seen this committement, this friendship, this love! We have had some many brothers and sisters in Christ wrap their arms around us and love on us! We have seen those that are not believers reach out to us! Really? I encourage you to think on this dedication of these 3 friends, these 3 brothers and what that must have meant to Job to have them there with him. He has lost everything - his wealth, health and children. He is at the bottom and they were there - there to just BE! They didn't speak for 7 days and 7 nights. I have to tell you from experience - we are NOT at the bottom - we have 2 wonderful boys, Brian is going to have a great job, we are moving into a rental close by, we are healthy BUT yet we are blessed to have these kinds of friends. I personally cannot even begin to express what everyone has meant to Brian and I during this time. We want to thank every person who has sent us an encouraging FB message, email, or done something for us, whether it be a meal, free babysitting, flowers, cards, keepsakes, and anything else I might be forgetting!!!! So, take from this story what you will but I think it is a really good example of how we can really be the body of Christ to those around us! God made us relational! We need each other - we need support - even when we say we don't! I encourage you if you know someone who has had a rough week or day just to go sit with them and BE there! It means more than you will ever know:) God thank you for creating us to be the body! Thank you that we all need each other and cannot function without each other. Help us ALL to be the hands and feet you created! Open our eyes to see those around us hurting, those that need a hug, some flowers, a helping hand; those that just need us to BE THERE! AMEN
I Corinthians 12:26-27
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
I Corinthians 12:12-31 talks all about the body! Good stuff
The days have become mundane. We are working diligently to get moved over into our new house. It is only a mile away but I have been loading the pilot endlessly and taking loads over there. God has given me a physical and emotional strength this week to accomplish these things but now I need to ask for help. I am tired and worn out! I have gotten alot done and am super thankful!! Right now I rarely remember what is coming quickly upon us. I am so busy trying to get us packed and moved that I don't feel as though I have time to even think about. Life is doing what it always tends to do, sweep on by. I feel as though this season is good - I know some of you may think why in the world would you want to forget right now?!?! I don't - but crying and being sad 24/7 is exhausting and God gave me 2 amazing little boys that I love and want to cherish all the time I have with them while they are little. Maybe this sounds, like I don't think about her or want to deal with it - not so. I still have my moments - like when I took Carson to VBS for his very first time on Monday. When I was walking out of the church I about lost it. Then, back in May when he had his preschool graduation ceremony and they played the graduation song while they walked down the isle!!! I think I am realizing the milestones are gonna get me - when I get to see my boys cross those milestones I think something inside me aches knowing I won't get to see her cross those milestones. Even writing that makes me tear up!! She is so precious in every way and I am so thankful when I get to go to my doctor's appointments - we get to do an ultrasound every time. Our doctor is great! He lets me watch her in 3D. She sucks her thumb and flips around in there. I love it - those will be some of my most precious memories of her. I just lay there and watch her. I can tell she would have been feisty and my boys would have loved having her here to boss them around:)
On another note I want to pick up where I left off with JOB. If you read my last post, I talked about how in the first chapter Job loses all his financial wealth and ALL of his 7 children but yet still he praised God. In chapter 2, Satan believes that surely if he inflicted physical suffering on him he would curse God. So, Job gets these ulcers and sores from head to toe. Can you imagine? This made me think about all the people I know that our physically ill and in pain on a constant daily basis BUT yet still they find JOY in God daily. Amazing! Next, his wife sees how miserable he is and asks him, Why don't you just curse God. He replies, Why are you talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble? Interesting thought huh? What I really want to focus on though that really stood out to me is Job's friends. He has these 3 friends that hear about all his suffering and leave their homes to "sympathize with him and comfort him".
Job 2:12-13
When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to WEEP ALOUD, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. They they sat on the ground with him for SEVEN DAYS AND SEVEN NIGHTS. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
This amazed me! These 3 men left their families, traveled who knew how long, to sit and weep with their friend. Brian and I have seen this committement, this friendship, this love! We have had some many brothers and sisters in Christ wrap their arms around us and love on us! We have seen those that are not believers reach out to us! Really? I encourage you to think on this dedication of these 3 friends, these 3 brothers and what that must have meant to Job to have them there with him. He has lost everything - his wealth, health and children. He is at the bottom and they were there - there to just BE! They didn't speak for 7 days and 7 nights. I have to tell you from experience - we are NOT at the bottom - we have 2 wonderful boys, Brian is going to have a great job, we are moving into a rental close by, we are healthy BUT yet we are blessed to have these kinds of friends. I personally cannot even begin to express what everyone has meant to Brian and I during this time. We want to thank every person who has sent us an encouraging FB message, email, or done something for us, whether it be a meal, free babysitting, flowers, cards, keepsakes, and anything else I might be forgetting!!!! So, take from this story what you will but I think it is a really good example of how we can really be the body of Christ to those around us! God made us relational! We need each other - we need support - even when we say we don't! I encourage you if you know someone who has had a rough week or day just to go sit with them and BE there! It means more than you will ever know:) God thank you for creating us to be the body! Thank you that we all need each other and cannot function without each other. Help us ALL to be the hands and feet you created! Open our eyes to see those around us hurting, those that need a hug, some flowers, a helping hand; those that just need us to BE THERE! AMEN
I Corinthians 12:26-27
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
I Corinthians 12:12-31 talks all about the body! Good stuff
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)