Weary

All I can think of these days is Come to me those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  My last post I wrote that we had a doctor's appointment the next day.  Several things have happened since then which would probably explain my title for this blog: WEARY.  First, I think it is important to share all of my blessings with you all!  My personality tends to be on the pessimistic side so I want to start with uplifting thoughts and comments because although we are struggling, God's love and blessings have never ceased during this difficult time.  let me start by saying I LOVE our doctor.  He is so compassionate and great with us.  He spends so much time with us and he ALWAYS let's me watch Mabry on ultrasound for quite some time in 3D.  Usually I get to watch her wiggle and suck her thumb, but this time she was sleeping.  So peaceful - she was so peaceful, which in turn made me peaceful!  It was a wonderful few minutes in time. You see, we have ultrasounds every 4 weeks to see how she is doing. Another wonderful thing is, again, the body of Christ at work.  I have had several friends take my kids and watch them from time to time allowing me to run errands, clean or relax.  I have wonderful babysitters who are so good with my children and make me feel comfortable to leave them for a duration of the day.  I have friends who have made me meals.  Recently, I have had friends offer to help with planning and arranging our funeral service for Mabry.  Today a co-worker dropped off some beautiful flowers, a blanket and many many gift cards!!!!  I am so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity.  I have people asking all the time how they can help and asking to watch my kids.  Tonight I just don't know how to respond to such wonderful people but please know I thank God for you!  I thank you for sacrificing your time and money for my family!  I pray God would bless you for being so generous and kind.  So, as I have always said I want to be open and honest with you so here is some of our struggles lately.
At our previous appointment, we discovered that I had developed polyhydraminos, which is not uncommon for the condition Mabry has.  This is the amniotic fluid that cushions the baby.  This condition is when you have too much fluid.  Well, this last appointment, we discovered that my fluid level had almost doubled.  My doctor asked if I was having trouble breathing and informed me we could a procedure to remove some of the fluid but it wasn't without risks and would only be temporary.   On the contrary, my breathing has not been too bad.  I feel like normal pregnancy breathing but I am more uncomfortable as I am taking on more fluid my belly is getting larger quicker.  In addition to this, I have been having what are called braxton hics contractions, which I have had with both boys in the past so I am used to them but I told my dr they were different this time.  My belly stays what seems like a constant contraction and then I will have a contraction on top of that.  He told me that this was caused by the fluid and said it could put me into premature labor.  I was 31 weeks on Monday.  He suggested I take it easy, kind of like a light bed rest.  Seriously??!?!?!  With two little boys?!?!?  I stopped working for now because they were way worse when I worked.  Now I have them almost anytime I do housework or too much.  Today I went to the grocery store and started having contractions, some that became painful!!! BUT I made it and we have food.  Unfortunately, the rest of my day was shot having contractions.  Sunday I began having regular painful contractions and we were worried that she was coming but luckily with lots of rest and water they slowed down after about 2 hrs.  With all the contractions and possible premature labor, I have been trying to take it really easy at home, which if you know me is quite difficult.  I don't just sit on the couch well but this did inspire me to finish preparing for her service, which is actually bringing more peace as I accomplish things.  My friend, Danna said today that this is my way of nesting and I thought that is so true - I hadn't really thought of it that way.  I am so thankful for her help in planning and arranging all of this (and that she will have help from my friend Suni).  I am so thankful for my friend Amanda, who has sadly walked this road and is helping me walk this road.  I am thankful for KC, my friend, who is doing all our pictures and helping with the slideshow we are going to play at the service.  (You like how I am giving shout-outs!  Ha ha!  I feel bad not naming everyone of my friends - you have all been so amazing!)
Bad transition here but I am tired:
So, two major things have occurred since my last blog.  First, Brian and I attempted to see if Mabry could be an organ donor with her condition.  Unfortunately, after texting with my doctor, he didn't think her organs would be viable by the time she died.  You see, the law states they have to be brain dead before they can make her an organ donor and he felt like by the time she died, (which would not be long after she is born) her organs will have already suffered too much for lack of oxygen.   I think we were both really bummed about this but glad we attempted to check into it.
Secondly, one night I sat down with Brian and told him there was one thing I was unsettled on, cremation.  Surprisingly he agreed.   We talked about the possibility of burial and then I spoke with my friend, Amanda, and just felt more at peace with burial.  Now, with that being said, I recently after looking at a funeral home's prices for everything have started to panick a little.  Why does it cost so much to bury our loved ones?  Well, anyway, with that being said, we found an infant casket that we both really liked.  I haven't ordered it yet, fear I guess, who wants to order a casket for a baby?  Ordering it makes it real! And a headstone - I was just too tired that day.  There were so many options.  Mostly, I felt like I was just doing it to get it done - emotionless.  What's funny is I didn't cry while picking out a casket or looking at headstones, I cried when trying to pick music for the service and looking at slideshows to get ideas.  I have cried every day now since Sunday and before that it had probably been a month.  I know as time gets closer my emotions are becoming more raw again as I know my heart and spirit is trying to prepare in every way possible for something I cannot prepare myself for.  Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone asking for her help with something for the service and it got silent because I started crying - it was actually kind of funny because I think she thought I wasn't there anymore for a second.
The reality is: She is coming, sooner than later.  I am sad BUT as a friend and I talked today (and I will share this time and time again until that day)  at her funeral we want to celebrate her life.  I remember when I was little I always used to say I don't want people to wear BLACK to my funeral.  I want them to wear BRIGHT colors!  I am heaven with Jesus!  And so it is with Mabry!  She will be dancing with Jesus and happy and joyful in ways we can't comprehend here on earth.  It will be a sad day as our time here on earth will be over BUT is it funny to say I am a little jealous that she gets to go to heaven? I know that all of our days here on this earth are numbered and we are all here for a reason but how amazing will it be when those of us that believe in him get to go to heaven and be in his presence one day!  I pray that all of you reading this will join us one day!  It is going to be absolutely breath-taking!  Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess..... AMEN!