Chosen

Every Sunday when we go to church, I CANNOT make it through worship without crying.  I do not feel lonely or abandoned or overwhelmed with sadness (strange right?) I feel God's love carrying me through this!  Everytime!  Yes, I am sad but his love is greater for me.  I know he loves Mabry more than I ever could.  He created her.  I think Brian and I are both getting a little nervous as the time draws closer.  We sat outside church this week before we went to pick up the boys and I told him, "It's getting closer.  We really need to get things ready for the memorial service so we are not worried with this when she arrives."  With some of her complications we are expecting her to come earlier than my due date.  IT could be as soon as early August.  That is less than a month away.  One more month may be all we have left before it's over, she is gone.  No more being pregnant, no more feeling her kick, gone.  I am not ready but I never will be.  I know I need to trust that it will all be just as God planned, perfect and beautiful, but that still doesn't make it any easier.  Discussing a funeral service for your daughter with your husband just seems so surreal.  This past month has seemed fairly normal.  Life has been going on and happening.  BUT Sunday, we both realized she will be here soon.  Details, details, details.   Pictures of us and her, colors and themes, music, scripture, ushers, where, when, what to do with kids, slide show, ect.  There are so many details to a funeral.  We have been putting it off and now we feel a stronger since of urgency to get it done, to be prepared, so that when she comes when can focus on her.  Loving every precious moment we have with her.  I talked with Carson tonight and told him Mabry could be here soon but that she would be going to heaven shortly after she gets here.  I also told him that mommy and daddy would be happy and sad.  He laughed and said in a funny voice - happy and sad?? ha ha ha ha.  I explained that you could be happy and sad at the same time.  He told me he wasn't going to be sad, well, maybe a little sad but not alot.  I asked him if he wanted to hold her and spend time with her before she went to heaven and he said, "yes, Bennett is too little to hold her".  I told him we would help him hold her but that all he would probably do is say baby, baby.  Carson laughed and agreed.  I am cherishing these short conversations we are having, as he doesn't say much usually.  I love the innocence and happiness of children.  I am thankful for his laughter.  We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will have yet another ultrasound to see how she is doing.  It is so sweet to watch her move and suck her thumb.  I have been having lots of braxton hics contractions lately and some real contractions as well.  I even had to leave work the other day because I was having so many and my back starting hurting really bad.  This makes me a little fearful that it could be sooner than later but I have to keep telling myself, it will be perfect, just as he planned.

This past Sunday one thought remained in my mind, "We were chosen."  We were chosen to have a daughter, our first one, after having two boys.  We were chosen to carry a daughter who would have a lethal condition that would not allow her to survive after birth.  God knew we would decide to carry her for as long as possible.  We were chosen for this journey, this burden, this gift.  I say burden and gift all in the same because I do feel it is a burden but it is also a blessing and a gift to be CHOSEN to be a part of this story.  Jesus says, I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do (John 17:4).  This is where I see what we are going through as a blessing, a gift.  God chose Brian and I to be the parents of Mabry, whose life on earth is expected to be short, but very meaningful and powerful while in the womb and after she goes to heaven.  The story of God's grace and love on our family will be forever.  We will praise his name always!  I know many struggle with the why of all this and how can you see God's love and grace in losing an infant.  I don't struggle with the why and am certain it is because of my faith - I know we live in a fallen world but as was said in my Sunday School class this last week - he is sovereign over everything including Satan, who is claimed to be the ruler of this world.  BUT knowing we live in a fallen world where there will be illnesses and cancer and other horrific things - this is not the end of this great LOVE story!  God sent his son to die so that we may leave eternally with him!  He ALLOWED his son to die for you!  For each of us!  Can you imagine?  Allowing your child to die so that someone else might have eternal joy?  God is preparing a place, a perfect place of beauty and joy that we can all together enjoy one day.  And for now, Mabry gets to bypass this fallen world for a perfect place.
Another thought I want to share is I have always heard (and actually thought the same thing until recently) that when you get to heaven you can ask God WHY?  We had a miscarriage with our very first at around 12 wks.  People want to ask God why?  Why did you allow that to happen or why didn't you make that happen?  After experiencing what we are going through - I feel like God revealed something to my heart that brings me peace - maybe it will for you too.  I can honestly say now that when I get to heaven I am not going to ask WHY?  I honestly don't think I will care anymore at that point.  We will have no more sorrow, pain or burdens.  Only joy!  Those things that we wrestled with on earth will no longer burden us.  I mean think about it - we will be in the presence of the almighty God!  I think we will all be so overwhelmed with his presence, love, beauty and joy that we won't care anymore.  All we will want to do is worship him!  Hallelujah!  Amen!
Now from another perspective I have:  I mentioned that being chosen was a gift, a blessing BUT also a burden.  Yes, my faith brings me comfort and peace when times are hard but let me share another's struggling story with you.  When we found out about Mabry we were going through the book of John in our sunday school class.  A story, a strong emotion, stood out to me.  It is when Jesus goes the garden of Gesthemane.  Listen, he says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Matthew 26:38.  Then continuing with verse 39:  "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father if it is possible, may this cup (burden) be taken from me.  Yet not my will but yours be done"  Now what is important to note here is he goes away a second time and prays this yet again, vs 42: My father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done. AND YET AGAIN, HE PRAYS THIS PRAYER A 3rd TIME.  This passage just rang throughout my mind.  And I kept thinking, THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!!  I understand that God is sovereign and if he wanted Mabry to be healthy and survive - then he is ABSOLUTELY capable of this!  BUT I learned several years ago as I was growing and maturing in my faith - Not my will but his will!  I know there is a reason GOD chose us.  I do not know specifically what it is but I pray that he will be glorified, that one person or many reading this may see his great and amazing love for you!!!  With all that said, it is not an easy road to walk.  I mean look at Jesus, sinless, cried out 3x to take this (burden) from him.  His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!!!  He understands our sorrow, our sadness, he knows he has been there!  God understands my sadness - he sent his son to die.  He was seperated from his son.  There is so much to this story if you don't know it.  I know many are sad for us and cry tears of sadness and "can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child" BUT my God does, his son died for me and you!  He rose from the dead and lives and was reunited with his father.  We will be reunited with our daughter one day and what a glorious day it will be!!!