Struggling for him

I knew I felt a blogging coming just wish it wasn't always so late at night but I guess that is when my brain has time to think when all is quiet...  Today is National Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day I have never heard of before and only know about now because of our loss and belonging to a FB group that is specifically for those who have lost an infant.  I don't have a whole lot of emotion hearing this today, why?  I go through all kinds of emotions all the time.  Last week I was starting to feel normal again, a new normal, but more normal than I have been since Mabry passed away.  I feel like less people are staring at me, wondering how I am feeling, what's going on with her today, is she gonna cry?  I know I shouldn't care what people think but I always feel like people are watching me AND I just want to be known as Heather, not that girl whose baby died a couple of hours after she was born.  I know people just care and worry for me but it is that constant reminder that I am different than them.  Wow, do you hear the selfishness in all my statements!  Yep, that's right, I am not a saint or any different than any other believer.  I am not this amazing woman that all think I am.  I still struggle as others struggle.  I sometimes have to ask why?  Why me?  Why us?  Why did he pick me to go through this?  Can it be over now?  Can I just forget this ever happened and move on with my life? The answer is so simple, yet so complex, and not completely within my grasp of human understanding. Why are we still here on this earth?  Why can't he just come back now!!!!  My selfish plea is that he will come tomorrow and take us all home BUT there are those, those out there he LOVES and CHERISHES and I have to think WEEPS over us.  Those he is waiting on to come to him so that they can see him face to face and be in eternity with him forever someday.  He has a kingdom and inheritance that is waiting!  I can't even imagine how it will be to have no more mourning or pain.  One that is so precious and amazing for his SONS, his beloved.  This is YOU!  This is all of us!  I believe he desires that we would ALL choose him.
This is STILL all for HIS glory but that doesn't make it any easier for me, but his WORD helps.
Remember this,
John 1:1
In the beginning was the word, and the word was WITH God and the word WAS God. I think it can be a difficult concept to understand until one day it is made clear and you fully see this!  HIS WORD, the bible, the words you SEE and HEAR as you read them are like him speaking into your soul -the deepest, deepest part of you.  These WORDS are ALIVE!  Like a cell - they MOVE inside of you.

Funny thing as I was thinking about blogging tonight and what I would say and tell you all the things that were going on inside my head tonight, all my struggles in my spiritual walk, all my struggles with my selfish thoughts and this is what I share with you.  Words of encouragement to Press on towards the goal, the prize.  Join me, join me in intimately, deeply knowing a father who can only LOVE you in a way that no one else can, a way you cannot even attempt to by filling up yourself with other things, or thoughts.  For goodness sakes he created your inmost being.  He knit you together in your mother's womb.  He doesn't promise a world of joys, he actually promises us troubles in this world BUT he says take HEART for I have OVERCOME the world! John 16:33.  He promises us an inheritance, a kingdom, an eternity that is far better that one millisecond on this earth.  

1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange where happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be OVERJOYED when his GLORY is revealed!
1 Peter 5:6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all you anxiety on him because he CARES for YOU.  Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion LOOKING for someone to DEVOUR.  Resist him, STANDING FIRM IN THE FAITH, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of ALL grace, who CALLED you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you STRONG, FIRM and STEADFAST. To him be the power for ever and ever amen.

After my last post my husband said, "I want to tell you something but don't get mad".  Seriously?  What husband starts a sentence like that? ha ha Defenses up and ready? you betcha! ha ha.  He said, "When I read your post, it doesn't even sound like it came from you?" I immediately let my guard down and smiled.  I said, "Really? That's exactly what I want.  I want Jesus to speak through me."  I don't write down what I am going to blog before I type it up.  I barely even think before I blog.  I just have lots of thoughts running through my mind and decide to get up and start typing.  I pray God just speaks through me each time so that others will be encouraged AND it gives me peace.  Usually when I start typing I am upset, crying, and struggling BUT always by the end I am peaceful.

Tonight I want to share my favorite scripture with all of you:

1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful ALWAYS!  Pray CONTINUALLY!  Give THANKS in ALL things, for THIS is God's WILL FOR YOU in Christ Jesus.

The New Normal

Mabry would have been two months today.  She might be smiling and cooing at me.  My emotions are raw tonight.  I went about my day just fine but as the day wore on the sadness inside me grew.  I see babies around me growing up and meeting milestones, ones I won't get to watch her do, like rolling over, smiling, laughing, sitting up and walking.  I see little girls with cute shoes (I am a lover of shoes), bows and pretty little dresses.  I don't get to do that - dress her up and buy her lots of cute shoes (a different pair for every outfit ha ha).  When?  When is the grieving and counting the days, weeks, months going to end?  My guess is never.  It will NEVER be the same.  I will NEVER be the same.  I have changed.  I am more reserved and quiet (if you can believe that).  I force myself to be social, to talk to others around me and I feel horrible if I don't reach out and talk to those around me.  It takes everything in me these days to WANT to be social.  Most days are ok now but I still have those reminders like today - 2 months.  Will I really count every month, every year?  It seems exhausting.  I don't even know that I have much to say today.  I have plenty going through my mind all the time, things I want to share with all of you but I just can't bring myself to blog that often.  I don't want to because then I will have to think about her and FEEL.  I don't like to FEEL all the time.   I don't want to be sad and cry all the time.  It's too much. God gives me joy each morning.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and two amazing, smart, happy, energetic boys!  

Our bible study this week is over suffering for Christ.  Suffering you ask?  Don't you have to be a martyr?  Be persecuted?  That's what I thought but I suffer, I suffer alot.  GOD chose me and my husband to give birth to a daughter so that more would come to know him, so that I would know him deeper, better and so that you would know him deeper and better.  Paul writes this letter to the believers in Corinth and he says this,

 2 Corinthians 1:3-7  

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  God is our merciful Father and the source of all COMFORT.  He comforts us in ALL our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort GOD has given us.  For the more we SUFFER for Christ, the MORE God will shower us with his COMFORT through Christ.  Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for you COMFORT and SALVATION! For when we ourselves are COMFORTED, we will certainly COMFORT you.  Then you can PATIENTLY endure the same things we suffer.  We are CONFIDENT that as you share in our sufferings, you will ALSO share in the COMFORT God gives us.  

There sure is a lot of comforting that goes along with suffering huh?  

WE PLAYED THIS SONG AT MABRY'S FUNERAL and it brought me comfort this evening.  

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden , I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.

And Oh, how he loves us, oh how he loves us, how he loves us ALL

And we are his portion and HE is our PRIZE, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes, If heaven is an ocean, then we're all sinking. 

And heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about the way.....

HE LOVES US!