The New Normal

Mabry would have been two months today.  She might be smiling and cooing at me.  My emotions are raw tonight.  I went about my day just fine but as the day wore on the sadness inside me grew.  I see babies around me growing up and meeting milestones, ones I won't get to watch her do, like rolling over, smiling, laughing, sitting up and walking.  I see little girls with cute shoes (I am a lover of shoes), bows and pretty little dresses.  I don't get to do that - dress her up and buy her lots of cute shoes (a different pair for every outfit ha ha).  When?  When is the grieving and counting the days, weeks, months going to end?  My guess is never.  It will NEVER be the same.  I will NEVER be the same.  I have changed.  I am more reserved and quiet (if you can believe that).  I force myself to be social, to talk to others around me and I feel horrible if I don't reach out and talk to those around me.  It takes everything in me these days to WANT to be social.  Most days are ok now but I still have those reminders like today - 2 months.  Will I really count every month, every year?  It seems exhausting.  I don't even know that I have much to say today.  I have plenty going through my mind all the time, things I want to share with all of you but I just can't bring myself to blog that often.  I don't want to because then I will have to think about her and FEEL.  I don't like to FEEL all the time.   I don't want to be sad and cry all the time.  It's too much. God gives me joy each morning.  I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and two amazing, smart, happy, energetic boys!  

Our bible study this week is over suffering for Christ.  Suffering you ask?  Don't you have to be a martyr?  Be persecuted?  That's what I thought but I suffer, I suffer alot.  GOD chose me and my husband to give birth to a daughter so that more would come to know him, so that I would know him deeper, better and so that you would know him deeper and better.  Paul writes this letter to the believers in Corinth and he says this,

 2 Corinthians 1:3-7  

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  God is our merciful Father and the source of all COMFORT.  He comforts us in ALL our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort GOD has given us.  For the more we SUFFER for Christ, the MORE God will shower us with his COMFORT through Christ.  Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for you COMFORT and SALVATION! For when we ourselves are COMFORTED, we will certainly COMFORT you.  Then you can PATIENTLY endure the same things we suffer.  We are CONFIDENT that as you share in our sufferings, you will ALSO share in the COMFORT God gives us.  

There sure is a lot of comforting that goes along with suffering huh?  

WE PLAYED THIS SONG AT MABRY'S FUNERAL and it brought me comfort this evening.  

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden , I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.

And Oh, how he loves us, oh how he loves us, how he loves us ALL

And we are his portion and HE is our PRIZE, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes, If heaven is an ocean, then we're all sinking. 

And heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about the way.....

HE LOVES US!