GRIEF

Grief, what does that look like?  I am sure it is very different for everyone.  I know there are some theories out there like Kubler-Ross, whom I would agree with it, but how that looks is so different.  Today I went to my bible study at church and to be honest I can't even remember what she said or really if it was anything she said, but I started crying.  I needed to just weep and let it out but I was in a room with over one hundred women and of course I was sitting in the middle.  I started to look for the quickest, low profile, escape route.  I looked to the left - nope too many people that know me and will see me crying, plus I might have to say excuse me to get past some chairs.  So, I look to the right, same thing!  Dang it!  I can't stop the tears but I don't want to break down right here in front of everyone.  I finally turned to a friend as nonchalantly as I could and asked if she had a kleenex, which thankfully she had a paper towel!  I silently shed tears while I listened to our teacher, hoping that no one noticed.  Now, before I go any further I have to give you a glimpse into my personality.  My friend, Holly said it to the nurse at the hospital and I think it was the best way to describe me.  She asked how I was feeling and Holly said you will never know how she is feeling.  I am not an open book and I tend to hide my hurts and pains.  I do NOT like to cry in front of people, it makes me uncomfortable.  This is something I have struggled with all my life but I am getting better at it.  Of course, today with 100 women all around me, some I know and some I don't.  Really?!?!  Really?!?!  Not the place I thought I would break down.  Anyways, afterwards my friend, Kristen, who handed me the kleenex asked if I was having a bad day and wanted to hug me.  That was it!  I lost it, just sobbing into her shoulder.  Then it was time to leave.  I had to pick the boys up from school in 20 minutes BUT the tears just started coming, I couldn't stop.  My heart was aching so badly.  I miss her so much but then I think to myself how can I miss her, she didn't really have time to develop a personality.  I think I miss what would/could have been.  I wish I could hold her again, stare at her and nurse her.  I in know way want to make those mommies (especially mommies of newborns) feel guilty in any way but I wish I was up all hours of the night feeding and calming a screaming baby, I wish I was struggling to make it through the day with a newborn and my two boys who would be driving me crazy, I wish I was exhausted from having a newborn not exhausted today from grief.  I cried all the way to school, trying so hard to compose myself so I wouldn't walk in there crying.  NO SUCH LUCK!  I already had swollen blood shot eyes and sadness written all over my face.  I tried to keep my head down but when Carson's teacher (a friend) asked if I was ok I didn't lie - I said no and started crying again.  I am so thankful for the teachers and directors at My School, they have been such a blessing to me, supporting me and praying for me.  Thank you!  I finally made it home to feed boys and put them down for a nap and I managed to mostly keep it together to accomplish this.  Then, I laid in my bed and just sobbed.  I learned something about grief I had never experienced before (probably because I have never experienced grief like this) it take a toll on you physically as well.  My head hurt and my body has been so fatigued today but I couldn't sleep.  My grief has overwhelmed me!
Now, if you hear anything at all I hope this next section resignates deep down within you and you may not understand or get it but I pray that you will at least get to see a glimpse of him in all my grief and sadness.  I think God wants me to continue to blog so as to share with you - you know who you are.  I am not claiming to be a theologian or as well-read on scripture as I should be so please read it for yourself.  Do not take my word for it.  We are studying the book of Colossians in our bible study, which was written by Paul.  I have never done a study on Paul before but I do know that he was persecuted for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Paul spent years in prison, was beaten, whipped and stoned YET he DID NOT stop proclaiming Christ and encouraging the body of believers.  Read the story of Paul in Acts Chapter 9.  He was blinded by Jesus and then a disciple named Ananias was told to go to him and Ananias was reluctant and this is what the Lord said to Ananias in return Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to Ananias, "GO! This man is MY chosen instrument to carry MY name before the gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel.  I WILL SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR MY NAME!  I totally get this!!!  I feel as though we are suffering for his name.  He is using our daughter, our pain and suffering and grieft to spread HIS name.  AMEN!  I know this may be hard to believe but as the day has gone on and as I have laid there praying what few words I can fathom, God's peace washes over me.  My life is not about me - its all about him, its all for him!  We are for him!  He created us FOR him.  He created my daughter for him.  He knew every moment, every breath she would breathe.  He knew I would be faithful in sharing her with you!  He knew his name would be glorified.  I said from the very beginning This blog was created to share her story in hopes that many would believe in JESUS and those that believe would be strengthened and renewed in their walk with him. 
I could not have said this this morning!  
He chose us, he knew all along this would be our journey, our walk.  He chose Paul to suffer for his name and he chose us from the beginning to do his will, to share his name, to proclaim his love and grace.  I pray that you have seen that in us, through this blog and in person.  I have to think though that Paul had days like I am having today.  It is SO hard sometimes.  Today at the beginning of the day, I didn't want this to be our journey, I just wanted my daughter back and I still do BUT I would rather him be glorified and those in this world come to know Jesus.  My baby girl is already there but there are so many here on earth that don't know him yet (and when I say know him I mean a real relationship)  I know that may sound strange to some of you - you would want your daughter to die so that others would come to know Jesus Christ - and the answer is YES a million times!!!!  As I said, she is with him and we will be reunited one day in eternity.  I may struggle with this at times but I always come back to it!  To him be the glory!  So, please hear me when I say that I am thankful to those of you that sent me messages via FB and other means that you have been strengthened in your walk, that you want to share Christ with your children, that you are going to church now, that you have asked Jesus into your heart!!!  Those messages are encouraging to me and help me to continue sharing her life and now my grief with all of you!  I have to think that Paul receiving word in prison that fellow believers were growing in their faith.  I too, am encouraged.  He says this in Ephesians 1: 15-16 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...... keep reading 17-23.  This is how I feel about those of you that read my blog and share it with others.  I hope you too are encouraged by it!
 
He loves me and I am blessed!  Even when I am sad, yearning for my daughter - I know he loves me.  His word says,
Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


This is my prayer and I think will be my prayer for many months to come!!!!
2 Corinthians 8-10 (this was written by Paul)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, My GRACE is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.