Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
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