In the Quiet

Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths. I called for the hospice nurse who came in as always with her soothing, calming, supportive presence.  She listened for a heart beat with her stethescope and nodded her head at me.  We all knew that she had passed.  I remember at one point telling her it was ok to go to heaven and that she would have so much fun there and that Jesus would love her so much.  She was gone.  It was over.  Our time with her had come and gone.  My youngest sister was there with us and then my parents came in to say goodbye.  I was utterly exhausted and in pain.  I had been sitting up for hours and had not taken a pain pill (I didn't want to be lethargic or fall asleep; I didn't want to miss one moment).  After my family left we decided it was time to do our footprints.  We had bought all of us new bibles, including the boys, and had footprints placed in the bibles.  It felt like it took forever.  Brian helped the nurses while I sat there (my pain had gotten pretty bad).  It seemed like an eternity.  Then it was done.  The nurse and hospice nurse left us alone with her and just said to call when we were ready.  Honestly Brian and I had talked that we didn't want to keep her long after she had passed.  We were afraid of how her body would change (me being an ICU nurse and him being a physician) we knew post-mortem could be not so pleasant to watch.  BUT we wanted to be with her, we wanted to hold her and look at her.  We took turns holding her with silence in the room, it was so peaceful.  Then I decided to hold her to my chest and wrap my arms around her.  I then realized I had not done this while she was alive - why?  The only thing I could come up with was that I was afraid she would stop breathing if I changed her position.  I clung to her in this position - it was so comforting to hold her to my chest and kiss her sweet head.  I could tell we didn't want to let her go!!!!  We knew we would have and after a while we started noticing changes to her body.  We talked about how we weren't ready to let her go but that we NEVER would be, SO we prayed together over her body, rejoicing that we had so much time with her but that she was now in heaven with Jesus.  Then we called for the nurse to come get her.  She wrapped her up in the things we decided to bury her in and we kissed on her on the head and watched the nurse walk out the door with her to never see her again.  THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING TO DO THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!!  Watching them take her away to know that it was over and we would never see her again was SO HARD.  After she left, we sat there for a few minutes in the silence and then in utter exhaustion, we crawled up on the couch bed and held each other as we fell asleep.  Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day.  We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital.  Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home.  Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth.  I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear?  She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old).  He smiled and said he had heard.  I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor.  And then we went home to our boys and family.  
I want to post one more time to talk about the service and hope to get to that soon.  It has almost been one month since she was born and died.  Mostly the days are ok, busy with two boys and Brian working but every couple of days we are reminded of our loss here on earth and are saddened BUT I find comfort in the truth that she is heaven playing!  Carson asked me just yesterday if we could get a pacifier to Mabry in heaven and I told him God has 100 million pacifiers in heaven because there are lots of babies in heaven with Jesus.  Carson reassures me that she is happy and playing in heaven!!  Thank you for all your support and prayers.  We are truly blessed!  

Oh the joy!

It has been a while since I have blogged but I just didn't have it in me.  I have been physically and emotionally exhausted.  I really want to share the story of Mabry's entry and departure from this world.  We were admitted to the hospital around 6am on July 31st.  My poor doctor had been on call the night before but had luckily gotten a little sleep.  The process began and at one point my water was broken but due to the polyhydraminos, we needed something to catch the enormous amount of water.  My husband and I joked with the nurse and doctor that we needed a swimming pool but in all seriousness we could have used one.  At first, Brian (the doctor) and myself (the nurse) were fascinaed by how much fluid was draining.  We joked about measuring it and finally had the doctor and nurse convinced we needed to measure the amount of fluid.  I had been carrying around just a little under 5 liters of fluid!!!  That is 2.5 bottles of pop!!!!!  As the fluid started draining I could instantly take a deep breath.  It was so weird, I hadn't been able to do that in several weeks.  It felt strange to be able to take a deep breath.  My belly was instantly sooo much smaller.  I actually looked more like 33 weeks pregnant instead of 40+ weeks or as I said (what I would look like pregnant with twins).  So, needless to say, we were able to find some humor in our circumstances AND we were surrounded by amazing friends and ALL of our immediate family.  We were so blessed! 
It was a long day, but luckily I had lots of friends in and out, along with almost all of our family. As per my norm with my other kids, I did not progress quickly.  I really don't need to go into a long detailed laboring experience so I am going to skip to her birth.  I had started shaking and vomitting, which my nurse said could be signs of transitioning (baby coming) but she told me I would feel pressure down there.  Well, I had been sitting up for several hours so all of my epidural medicine had made my bottom completely numb.  I was still having abdominal pain but couldn't feel any pressure, so I laid the head of my bed down.  Still shaking and having quite a bit of pain despite increasing my epidural, all of a sudden I could feel down there again and FELT PRESSURE.  The texts started blowing up people's phones.  KC, my amazing friend and photographer, my family to get the kids up there ASAP and some friends. Remember, we had no idea how much time we would have with her and I was only 33 wks.  Once I realized I wasn't making it up and was feeling lots of pressure - I started crying.  It was time!  I was not ready but I was ready.  I was nervous, I was excited, I was scared, and I was sad.  I was also so blessed to have my doctor at the hospital on his post call day that he came to my bedside within 10 min to tell me she was right there and it was time.  They started prepping me and the room.  It seemed to go by so fast and I was so worried that Carson (my oldest son) wouldn't make it back to the hospital in time or my friend KC wouldn't make it to take photographs. They were just about ready for me to push when I asked the Dr and nurses if they would step out for just a minute so my husband and I could pray.  My Dr said sure but had to check one more time to make sure she wasn't already coming out on her own - she wasn't thankfully!  So after they stepped out Brian grabbed my hand and started crying.  He couldn't stop.  I asked him if he wanted me to pray and he just nodded yes.  I prayed to God thanking him for finally letting us meet our daughter!  I asked for peace and I cried out for TIME - precious time.  I asked he would give us time to enjoy her, time for our family and friends to meet her!!! HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!!  She was literally out in 3 measly pushes.  The Dr placed her on my abdomen. She wasn't wiped off before being given to me so I noticed for the first time how bloody babies really are when they first come out but I didn't care.  I rubbed her little tummy and head.  I had a friend ask me several days later when we were alone - what was the first thing you thought when you saw her?  Without even stopping to think I said PRETTY!  Then I said she looked a lot better than I was expecting (with all her genetic abnormalities).  She was so beautiful!  Both Brian and I were overwhelmed with JOY!  I can't even explain it - I had no tears - I had smiles.  God blessed me with this amazing beautiful baby girl!  She was so precious.  Yes, she had some visible abnormalities but to me she was perfect and I am not going to lie I was a little nervous about how she would look and would I be able to see past the abnormalities  - but I did.  Every single one of them!  She was gorgeous and I was so happy!  Carson got to come see her first and he just loved her too!  He smiled!  He kissed her head, he touched her head, hands and feet.  He held her in his arms.  He was so proud to be her big brother!
Next, family and friends came in to see her.  Remember how I said that GOD HEARD MY CRY? Well, everyone there got to hold her, watch her, look at her toes and hands, trade blankets and headbows and listen to her coo. I watched everyone's faces as they held her so happy that they got to see my beautiful daughter.  Our Sunday school teacher prayed over Mabry and her precious life that she had shared with all of us and you (as you have read and followed her story).  She was born on July 31, 2013 at 09:10pm.  She weighed 4lbs 5oz and was 13in long.  I have to tell you we were so blessed, but I kept watching the clock just waiting in anticipation, 10:10pm she was still alive and breathing, 10:40, still alive and breathing, 11:10 still alive and breathing.  It had been 2hrs and she was still alive - what a miracle!  12:20 she had been on earth for 2 days - July 31 and now August 1.  GOD IS SO GOOD!  But she didn't stop there!  A little after 12 I noticed she kept grimacing and I didn't want her to be in pain so my hospice nurse came in and gave her some pain medicine, which seemed to calm her down.  Another hour or two later she seemed a little more fussy and I got a little worried so I tried giving her a drop of milk.  Finally after being alive for 5 HOURS she cried (which with her poor lung development was impressive), I called the hospice nurse back in because I couldn't take her being upset and we tried to problem solve what was wrong.  She then looked at me and said, "Have you checked her diaper?"  I wanted to laugh!  I still got to have a "bad mommy moment" before she went to heaven.  I never expected her to live long enough to even change a diaper!  My husband took her to the warmer and we found that she had pooped!  That was funny in itself but on top of that we didn't really know how to wipe a girl!  We have two boys!  I am thankful for the humor at different times during her short time with us and I don't feel guilty or bad that I missed the obvious - it is all part of her story!
  At around 3:00am Brian was struggling to stay awake, I sat holding her in my arms while I talked to my sister.  I even had to tell her if I fall asleep grab her!!!  I had already caught Brian asleep with her twice!  So many times during the night we had thought she stopped breathing and she would trick us and take a deep breath right as the hospice nurse would enter the room.  I finally noticed at 3:20 her breathing had slowed way down and then less and less.  Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths.

Brian and I both kissed her goodbye and called the hospice nurse to confirm, who listened for a heartbeat and confirmed that she was gone.
To be continued:  I cannot finish typing anymore tonight. I am tired and weary but really want to share her LIFESONG with you all since you have followed us this far.  Please bear with me I will try to finish it soon!  I have so many amazing pictures I want to share!!!

Homeward Bound

So hard to find the time or desire to blog lately.  I hope to really sit down and share our story with all of you very soon but for now it will be short as I am exhausted.  I made it!  5 days on bedrest and Brian completed his boards.  We were admitted to the hospital on Wednesday AM.  All of our family was able to be here.  Sweet and precious Mabry was born on July 31,2013 at 9:10pm. I asked the doctor and staff to step outside and give us a moment to pray for we started pushing.  Brian started crying and couldn't speak so I prayed for us.  I cried out to God to give us time to spend with her so all could see her and hold her.  HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!!! She was only expected to live for 1-2hours MAX but lived for 6 1/2 hrs.  All of our family and some of our friends were there to hold on her and love her.  She was beautiful and precious.  Carson, our oldest son, loved her too!  He kissed her, held her, touched her and liked flicking her hands and feet (ha ha).  Bennett liked seeing the "baby" too.  Although in the grand scheme of things, she did not live long, it seemed like an eternity for us that night.  An eternity where I treasured every single moment, every single breath.  I had been awake since 5am and refused to take pain meds or lay down.  I didn't want to miss one moment!  I know later I will feel like it was nothing close to an eternity but in that day, TIME stood still. It was so amazing and precious! I have so many things I want to tell you about that day and into the night but that story will have to come later as I am too fatigued.  I want to give you details.  I want to thank you for sharing this blog.  The labor and delivery nurses, who I did NOT know prior to this, were telling me that our blog showed up on their FB page!!!  WOW!  I also want to share that my blog reports that over 26,000 people have read our blog.  God is so good! I will share more soon.  We are having a memorial service to honor our daughter's life this Saturday August 3, 2013 at 10am at Temple Bible Church in Temple, Texas.  Tomorrow will be a day of celebration.  I will be wearing a bright colored dress and have asked all those in attendance to wear bright colors.  Our daughter is heaven with Jesus!  This calls for a celebration!

Peace and Joy

How do you like that title?  Never thought I would be choosing those as my titles this close to the end.
First, let me back up a little.  On Wednesday I started having some painful contractions anytime I would do anything, even sitting.  After laying down they virtually went away.  The next day I tried to relax and not do much but it seemed like they came back with a vengeance.  They really started hurting and although they were somewhat irregular I would have several close together and then a little down time.  With that said, my Dr was out of town, my photographer was out of town and my husband has a HUGE test on July 30th that is pass or fail and you can only take once a year! I was in full panic mode.  We hadn't packed anything!  I had all of Mabry's stuff ready as its been ready for months.  We had no overnight bags, camera, and whatever else I can't even think of.  I then started thinking about the kids - they were tripping!  They knew something had been up since mommy was laying on the bed all day and their were sitters and friends taking them.  I realized what in the world are we gonna do if she comes in the middle of the night?!?!? Wake my kids up so they get to see her - CRANKY!  They needed clothes too for pictures right?  My sister in law was on her way from Kansas - praise God!  SO, we packed what we could think of, left the kids with the sitter and headed to the hospital.  Of course, labor and delivery was busy that night so we had to wait for some time.  While I was sitting there my contractions were so painful and close together, but the funny thing was when I would lay down they would almost go completely away.  After some time, we got taken back to be examined.  I recognized the nurse; she had helped deliver Carson.  She didn't remember us though and started asking questions and then the poor thing put her foot in her mouth.  Oh, you have two boys, well that will be exciting to have a girl this time.  Brian and I looked at each other and I just decided I needed to tell her so she didn't feel any worse than I already knew she would.  Of course she apologized and we all moved on.  Finally the resident and Dr came in.  They examined me and decided my body could be trying to put itself in premature labor but it was too early to tell.  Nothing was going on down there at this point.  They said it could be from all the extra fluid.  Then the Dr. started asking me what all I had talked about with my other Dr and what kind of plans we had made.  Their is a procedure they could perform to pull some of the fluid off but he said it posed more risks to my health and they usually perform the procedure on women that are expecting a viable baby in attempts to save them.  Don't get angry at this - he was just saying the risks to me in this case may not be worth the benefits knowing she was not expected to survive and it would only be temporary.  Thus, we decided to forego the procedure.  I told him we were really trying to keep her in my womb until after Tuesday , which was the day of Brian's test.  I couldn't even imagine trying to take a test right after losing a child.  So, we went home on meds to help with the pain and discomfort in hopes that by me being on strict bedrest the contractions would stop and we could hold off on labor until Wednesday July 31.  Thankfully, my sister in law Christy got here while we were at the hospital.  She has been such a blessing to us in addition to so many friends who have been bringing us dinner and helping with kids and running errands for me.
Now, we wait and pray.  I am on strict bedrest until Tuesday, which is when Brian will take his test in San Antonio (2.5hrs away). I have only been sleeping about 3 hours a night and Friday night I got in the shower to try and relax. I started talking to Mabry telling her, Mommy loves you, but Jesus loves you more and you are gonna get to go be with him and have so much fun!  I promise Mommy will be ok because Jesus loves her too.  Another moment I had was early Sat morning.  I thought to myself, I am going to get to hold my daughter soon!  I am going to get to see her.  I am so excited.  I am ready to meet her.  I am ready to see her face and love on her!  Then when I got in the shower this song went through my mind, "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King".  Today I am joyful and anxious to finally meet here.  Today I am thankful for peace and joy that only comes from my savior!
Paul says in Phillipians 1:21-23
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.  Yet, what shall I choose?  I do not know! I am torn between the two:  I desire to depart and be with Christ, WHICH IS BETTER BY FAR.
My Mabry is going to experience something that is by far better than being here!  I want her funeral to be a joyous day!  A day of celebration!  I hope those of you that come will wear bright colors in honor of her "graduation to heaven"!  I know my family will be:)

Weary

All I can think of these days is Come to me those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.  My last post I wrote that we had a doctor's appointment the next day.  Several things have happened since then which would probably explain my title for this blog: WEARY.  First, I think it is important to share all of my blessings with you all!  My personality tends to be on the pessimistic side so I want to start with uplifting thoughts and comments because although we are struggling, God's love and blessings have never ceased during this difficult time.  let me start by saying I LOVE our doctor.  He is so compassionate and great with us.  He spends so much time with us and he ALWAYS let's me watch Mabry on ultrasound for quite some time in 3D.  Usually I get to watch her wiggle and suck her thumb, but this time she was sleeping.  So peaceful - she was so peaceful, which in turn made me peaceful!  It was a wonderful few minutes in time. You see, we have ultrasounds every 4 weeks to see how she is doing. Another wonderful thing is, again, the body of Christ at work.  I have had several friends take my kids and watch them from time to time allowing me to run errands, clean or relax.  I have wonderful babysitters who are so good with my children and make me feel comfortable to leave them for a duration of the day.  I have friends who have made me meals.  Recently, I have had friends offer to help with planning and arranging our funeral service for Mabry.  Today a co-worker dropped off some beautiful flowers, a blanket and many many gift cards!!!!  I am so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity.  I have people asking all the time how they can help and asking to watch my kids.  Tonight I just don't know how to respond to such wonderful people but please know I thank God for you!  I thank you for sacrificing your time and money for my family!  I pray God would bless you for being so generous and kind.  So, as I have always said I want to be open and honest with you so here is some of our struggles lately.
At our previous appointment, we discovered that I had developed polyhydraminos, which is not uncommon for the condition Mabry has.  This is the amniotic fluid that cushions the baby.  This condition is when you have too much fluid.  Well, this last appointment, we discovered that my fluid level had almost doubled.  My doctor asked if I was having trouble breathing and informed me we could a procedure to remove some of the fluid but it wasn't without risks and would only be temporary.   On the contrary, my breathing has not been too bad.  I feel like normal pregnancy breathing but I am more uncomfortable as I am taking on more fluid my belly is getting larger quicker.  In addition to this, I have been having what are called braxton hics contractions, which I have had with both boys in the past so I am used to them but I told my dr they were different this time.  My belly stays what seems like a constant contraction and then I will have a contraction on top of that.  He told me that this was caused by the fluid and said it could put me into premature labor.  I was 31 weeks on Monday.  He suggested I take it easy, kind of like a light bed rest.  Seriously??!?!?!  With two little boys?!?!?  I stopped working for now because they were way worse when I worked.  Now I have them almost anytime I do housework or too much.  Today I went to the grocery store and started having contractions, some that became painful!!! BUT I made it and we have food.  Unfortunately, the rest of my day was shot having contractions.  Sunday I began having regular painful contractions and we were worried that she was coming but luckily with lots of rest and water they slowed down after about 2 hrs.  With all the contractions and possible premature labor, I have been trying to take it really easy at home, which if you know me is quite difficult.  I don't just sit on the couch well but this did inspire me to finish preparing for her service, which is actually bringing more peace as I accomplish things.  My friend, Danna said today that this is my way of nesting and I thought that is so true - I hadn't really thought of it that way.  I am so thankful for her help in planning and arranging all of this (and that she will have help from my friend Suni).  I am so thankful for my friend Amanda, who has sadly walked this road and is helping me walk this road.  I am thankful for KC, my friend, who is doing all our pictures and helping with the slideshow we are going to play at the service.  (You like how I am giving shout-outs!  Ha ha!  I feel bad not naming everyone of my friends - you have all been so amazing!)
Bad transition here but I am tired:
So, two major things have occurred since my last blog.  First, Brian and I attempted to see if Mabry could be an organ donor with her condition.  Unfortunately, after texting with my doctor, he didn't think her organs would be viable by the time she died.  You see, the law states they have to be brain dead before they can make her an organ donor and he felt like by the time she died, (which would not be long after she is born) her organs will have already suffered too much for lack of oxygen.   I think we were both really bummed about this but glad we attempted to check into it.
Secondly, one night I sat down with Brian and told him there was one thing I was unsettled on, cremation.  Surprisingly he agreed.   We talked about the possibility of burial and then I spoke with my friend, Amanda, and just felt more at peace with burial.  Now, with that being said, I recently after looking at a funeral home's prices for everything have started to panick a little.  Why does it cost so much to bury our loved ones?  Well, anyway, with that being said, we found an infant casket that we both really liked.  I haven't ordered it yet, fear I guess, who wants to order a casket for a baby?  Ordering it makes it real! And a headstone - I was just too tired that day.  There were so many options.  Mostly, I felt like I was just doing it to get it done - emotionless.  What's funny is I didn't cry while picking out a casket or looking at headstones, I cried when trying to pick music for the service and looking at slideshows to get ideas.  I have cried every day now since Sunday and before that it had probably been a month.  I know as time gets closer my emotions are becoming more raw again as I know my heart and spirit is trying to prepare in every way possible for something I cannot prepare myself for.  Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone asking for her help with something for the service and it got silent because I started crying - it was actually kind of funny because I think she thought I wasn't there anymore for a second.
The reality is: She is coming, sooner than later.  I am sad BUT as a friend and I talked today (and I will share this time and time again until that day)  at her funeral we want to celebrate her life.  I remember when I was little I always used to say I don't want people to wear BLACK to my funeral.  I want them to wear BRIGHT colors!  I am heaven with Jesus!  And so it is with Mabry!  She will be dancing with Jesus and happy and joyful in ways we can't comprehend here on earth.  It will be a sad day as our time here on earth will be over BUT is it funny to say I am a little jealous that she gets to go to heaven? I know that all of our days here on this earth are numbered and we are all here for a reason but how amazing will it be when those of us that believe in him get to go to heaven and be in his presence one day!  I pray that all of you reading this will join us one day!  It is going to be absolutely breath-taking!  Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess..... AMEN!

Chosen

Every Sunday when we go to church, I CANNOT make it through worship without crying.  I do not feel lonely or abandoned or overwhelmed with sadness (strange right?) I feel God's love carrying me through this!  Everytime!  Yes, I am sad but his love is greater for me.  I know he loves Mabry more than I ever could.  He created her.  I think Brian and I are both getting a little nervous as the time draws closer.  We sat outside church this week before we went to pick up the boys and I told him, "It's getting closer.  We really need to get things ready for the memorial service so we are not worried with this when she arrives."  With some of her complications we are expecting her to come earlier than my due date.  IT could be as soon as early August.  That is less than a month away.  One more month may be all we have left before it's over, she is gone.  No more being pregnant, no more feeling her kick, gone.  I am not ready but I never will be.  I know I need to trust that it will all be just as God planned, perfect and beautiful, but that still doesn't make it any easier.  Discussing a funeral service for your daughter with your husband just seems so surreal.  This past month has seemed fairly normal.  Life has been going on and happening.  BUT Sunday, we both realized she will be here soon.  Details, details, details.   Pictures of us and her, colors and themes, music, scripture, ushers, where, when, what to do with kids, slide show, ect.  There are so many details to a funeral.  We have been putting it off and now we feel a stronger since of urgency to get it done, to be prepared, so that when she comes when can focus on her.  Loving every precious moment we have with her.  I talked with Carson tonight and told him Mabry could be here soon but that she would be going to heaven shortly after she gets here.  I also told him that mommy and daddy would be happy and sad.  He laughed and said in a funny voice - happy and sad?? ha ha ha ha.  I explained that you could be happy and sad at the same time.  He told me he wasn't going to be sad, well, maybe a little sad but not alot.  I asked him if he wanted to hold her and spend time with her before she went to heaven and he said, "yes, Bennett is too little to hold her".  I told him we would help him hold her but that all he would probably do is say baby, baby.  Carson laughed and agreed.  I am cherishing these short conversations we are having, as he doesn't say much usually.  I love the innocence and happiness of children.  I am thankful for his laughter.  We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will have yet another ultrasound to see how she is doing.  It is so sweet to watch her move and suck her thumb.  I have been having lots of braxton hics contractions lately and some real contractions as well.  I even had to leave work the other day because I was having so many and my back starting hurting really bad.  This makes me a little fearful that it could be sooner than later but I have to keep telling myself, it will be perfect, just as he planned.

This past Sunday one thought remained in my mind, "We were chosen."  We were chosen to have a daughter, our first one, after having two boys.  We were chosen to carry a daughter who would have a lethal condition that would not allow her to survive after birth.  God knew we would decide to carry her for as long as possible.  We were chosen for this journey, this burden, this gift.  I say burden and gift all in the same because I do feel it is a burden but it is also a blessing and a gift to be CHOSEN to be a part of this story.  Jesus says, I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do (John 17:4).  This is where I see what we are going through as a blessing, a gift.  God chose Brian and I to be the parents of Mabry, whose life on earth is expected to be short, but very meaningful and powerful while in the womb and after she goes to heaven.  The story of God's grace and love on our family will be forever.  We will praise his name always!  I know many struggle with the why of all this and how can you see God's love and grace in losing an infant.  I don't struggle with the why and am certain it is because of my faith - I know we live in a fallen world but as was said in my Sunday School class this last week - he is sovereign over everything including Satan, who is claimed to be the ruler of this world.  BUT knowing we live in a fallen world where there will be illnesses and cancer and other horrific things - this is not the end of this great LOVE story!  God sent his son to die so that we may leave eternally with him!  He ALLOWED his son to die for you!  For each of us!  Can you imagine?  Allowing your child to die so that someone else might have eternal joy?  God is preparing a place, a perfect place of beauty and joy that we can all together enjoy one day.  And for now, Mabry gets to bypass this fallen world for a perfect place.
Another thought I want to share is I have always heard (and actually thought the same thing until recently) that when you get to heaven you can ask God WHY?  We had a miscarriage with our very first at around 12 wks.  People want to ask God why?  Why did you allow that to happen or why didn't you make that happen?  After experiencing what we are going through - I feel like God revealed something to my heart that brings me peace - maybe it will for you too.  I can honestly say now that when I get to heaven I am not going to ask WHY?  I honestly don't think I will care anymore at that point.  We will have no more sorrow, pain or burdens.  Only joy!  Those things that we wrestled with on earth will no longer burden us.  I mean think about it - we will be in the presence of the almighty God!  I think we will all be so overwhelmed with his presence, love, beauty and joy that we won't care anymore.  All we will want to do is worship him!  Hallelujah!  Amen!
Now from another perspective I have:  I mentioned that being chosen was a gift, a blessing BUT also a burden.  Yes, my faith brings me comfort and peace when times are hard but let me share another's struggling story with you.  When we found out about Mabry we were going through the book of John in our sunday school class.  A story, a strong emotion, stood out to me.  It is when Jesus goes the garden of Gesthemane.  Listen, he says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Matthew 26:38.  Then continuing with verse 39:  "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father if it is possible, may this cup (burden) be taken from me.  Yet not my will but yours be done"  Now what is important to note here is he goes away a second time and prays this yet again, vs 42: My father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done. AND YET AGAIN, HE PRAYS THIS PRAYER A 3rd TIME.  This passage just rang throughout my mind.  And I kept thinking, THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!!  I understand that God is sovereign and if he wanted Mabry to be healthy and survive - then he is ABSOLUTELY capable of this!  BUT I learned several years ago as I was growing and maturing in my faith - Not my will but his will!  I know there is a reason GOD chose us.  I do not know specifically what it is but I pray that he will be glorified, that one person or many reading this may see his great and amazing love for you!!!  With all that said, it is not an easy road to walk.  I mean look at Jesus, sinless, cried out 3x to take this (burden) from him.  His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!!!  He understands our sorrow, our sadness, he knows he has been there!  God understands my sadness - he sent his son to die.  He was seperated from his son.  There is so much to this story if you don't know it.  I know many are sad for us and cry tears of sadness and "can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child" BUT my God does, his son died for me and you!  He rose from the dead and lives and was reunited with his father.  We will be reunited with our daughter one day and what a glorious day it will be!!!

Pictures

Thanks to KC Brashear Photography for capturing  

 something so sad but so beautiful to us.  The memories of our precious daughter Mabry will never be forgotten and now we can remember them always with these beautiful family pictures.  We are so blessed to have KC, who is a sister in christ, share in this journey with us.  She will be joining us as we bring Mabry into this world to take pictures again once we get to meet her face to face.  Thank you Lord for giving us tangible ways to remember our daughter!!