Forever Changed

So, on April 16, 2013 our lives were forever changed. It's been 2 years now since we had our ultrasound that revealed not only were we having a little girl but she would die shortly after she was born. As my title states, we have been forever changed! This week I have been reflecting on the past two years (not on purpose - it just kinda happens). I will never forget all the support and encouragement we received from those around us. And please know, I remember all of you. Looking back I wish I had responded to ALL  of your emails, texts, FB messages, gifts, meals, flowers, acts of service, eat.  Many times over the years I have wondered if you felt left out or put off for not receiving a message or a thank you from me. Please know from the deepest part of my heart, I remember and am grateful - I was just not in a place to respond to everyone. I was exhausted physically and emotionally and just couldn't give back to anyone. But anyway, just a thank you for everything even now 2 years later.
So now to update on our life since my last blog.  My wonderful high risk OB helped me help others.   He gave me the opportunity to minister to other women who have lost a child and sadly, a friend contacted me who was expected to lose one of her twins.  I have walked with these women and grieved beside them.  I have encouraged them and they have encouraged me, even if it has been from a distance.  It has been so good for me and it helps Mabry's life/death continue to have meaning and purpose.  Not that I need that anymore.  I can look back and see so many things that happened because of her life, so many things that are still happening and will continue to happen!  May he be forever glorified in this story.
On a more personal note, we got pregnant again (on purpose) 6 months later. November 14, 2014 we welcomed Elliott James into this world.  He has been such a blessing and so much fun.  He is 5 months now.  Yes, I still think of Mabry often and actually when I was pregnant with him, I would call him Mabry or think in my head he WAS Mabry.  And even after he was born, occasionally I did it again.  Now that more time has passed it doesn't happen anymore.  Most of the time now I am completely fine, but this week has been difficult to hear of all the little girls everyone is having or expecting.  BUT two things I want to share:
One I am not the same person.  I used to be very outgoing, friendly, and could talk to stranger. I have always enjoyed leadership roles and making people feel welcome.  Now i am extremely overwhelmed by large groups, people staring at me  and talking to people I don't know.  I am nervous and uncomfortable.  That is rather strange if you know me at all.  This past year I was asked to be in a rather large leadership role and and after praying about it agreed to take it on.  Although, I know I did ok, I feel like I failed all the people who didn't know me before all this. I will say I have seen some of my old self come to the surface at times but I can honestly say I DO NOT know if I will ever be that outgoing person I once was.....BUT i trust that he is refining me.
TWO Things just aren't worth getting all worked up over!  He is sovereign over everything and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.  Nothing in my life is worth worrying about or freaking out over.  Not knowing what is going to happen next is not important - I am not in control.  If he can make me pregnant with a girl and take her to heaven 6.5hrs later and still SUSTAIN me.  He will SUSTAIN ME.   Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is  at work within us, to HIM be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, AMEN! Colossians 3:3 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  Luke 12:34 For where your treasure is, there your heart is also.

I think the main reason I am sharing this with all of you is because I just want all of you to know I still think of all the amazing things everyone did for us.  I cherish these memories! Thank you for giving to us and serving us.  I have realized I WILL ALWAYS have moments or days when it is hard to not have my little girl here with us, we often wonder what she would have been like, but HE IS GOOD and WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN!!!
My husband read this before i sent it out and he thought it would be something more profound.  that is not where i was at this week.  It's all I got this week just too much to type on FB.