So, on April 16, 2013 our lives were forever changed. It's been 2 years now since we had our ultrasound that revealed not only were we having a little girl but she would die shortly after she was born. As my title states, we have been forever changed! This week I have been reflecting on the past two years (not on purpose - it just kinda happens). I will never forget all the support and encouragement we received from those around us. And please know, I remember all of you. Looking back I wish I had responded to ALL of your emails, texts, FB messages, gifts, meals, flowers, acts of service, eat. Many times over the years I have wondered if you felt left out or put off for not receiving a message or a thank you from me. Please know from the deepest part of my heart, I remember and am grateful - I was just not in a place to respond to everyone. I was exhausted physically and emotionally and just couldn't give back to anyone. But anyway, just a thank you for everything even now 2 years later.
So now to update on our life since my last blog. My wonderful high risk OB helped me help others. He gave me the opportunity to minister to other women who have lost a child and sadly, a friend contacted me who was expected to lose one of her twins. I have walked with these women and grieved beside them. I have encouraged them and they have encouraged me, even if it has been from a distance. It has been so good for me and it helps Mabry's life/death continue to have meaning and purpose. Not that I need that anymore. I can look back and see so many things that happened because of her life, so many things that are still happening and will continue to happen! May he be forever glorified in this story.
On a more personal note, we got pregnant again (on purpose) 6 months later. November 14, 2014 we welcomed Elliott James into this world. He has been such a blessing and so much fun. He is 5 months now. Yes, I still think of Mabry often and actually when I was pregnant with him, I would call him Mabry or think in my head he WAS Mabry. And even after he was born, occasionally I did it again. Now that more time has passed it doesn't happen anymore. Most of the time now I am completely fine, but this week has been difficult to hear of all the little girls everyone is having or expecting. BUT two things I want to share:
One I am not the same person. I used to be very outgoing, friendly, and could talk to stranger. I have always enjoyed leadership roles and making people feel welcome. Now i am extremely overwhelmed by large groups, people staring at me and talking to people I don't know. I am nervous and uncomfortable. That is rather strange if you know me at all. This past year I was asked to be in a rather large leadership role and and after praying about it agreed to take it on. Although, I know I did ok, I feel like I failed all the people who didn't know me before all this. I will say I have seen some of my old self come to the surface at times but I can honestly say I DO NOT know if I will ever be that outgoing person I once was.....BUT i trust that he is refining me.
TWO Things just aren't worth getting all worked up over! He is sovereign over everything and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. Nothing in my life is worth worrying about or freaking out over. Not knowing what is going to happen next is not important - I am not in control. If he can make me pregnant with a girl and take her to heaven 6.5hrs later and still SUSTAIN me. He will SUSTAIN ME. Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us, to HIM be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, AMEN! Colossians 3:3 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Luke 12:34 For where your treasure is, there your heart is also.
I think the main reason I am sharing this with all of you is because I just want all of you to know I still think of all the amazing things everyone did for us. I cherish these memories! Thank you for giving to us and serving us. I have realized I WILL ALWAYS have moments or days when it is hard to not have my little girl here with us, we often wonder what she would have been like, but HE IS GOOD and WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN!!!
My husband read this before i sent it out and he thought it would be something more profound. that is not where i was at this week. It's all I got this week just too much to type on FB.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Lifesong
Dislaimer: I am tired and did not proofread this after I wrote it! Some of it may be a little scattered but hopefully you will see the HOPE in this blog!
It has been a long time since I blogged and I have to say I was a little skeptical about blogging tonight but I feel as though if I didn't blog I would not be honoring the life I created and carried in my womb for 9 months, the life that I gave birth to, the life I held and cried over many many nights, the life I watched breathe her last breath and die, but most of all the life that impacted so many! Tomorrow, on January 31, 2014, Mabry would have been six months. She would be sitting up with assistance, smiling, having blowout diapers, screaming, pulling my hair, rolling over, babbling and many more things I have seen my friend's children who are Mabry's age doing lately. Some people throw a big celebration for the 6 month milestone, having a cake and pictures, while others just see it as another month (half way to 1). I have never really been one to celebrate this milestone with a special day but this time I am!
I have been doing better. I wouldn't say for me, each day gets better or its a day to day thing. It has always been week to week for me. The difficult weeks have been spaced out further and further. I am still stricken with extreme grief but it is not as often. This last week I was extremely depressed and cried alot. Part of it was also that I had my wisdom teeth out and I was in pain:/ BUT the last two days I really feel like God has moved in me! The last two days I have been thinking about everything from when she was in my womb, the day of delivery, her death and finally her funeral. I even listened to one of the songs we played at the funeral as we were walking out. LifeSong by Casting Crown. some of the words go like this,
It has been a long time since I blogged and I have to say I was a little skeptical about blogging tonight but I feel as though if I didn't blog I would not be honoring the life I created and carried in my womb for 9 months, the life that I gave birth to, the life I held and cried over many many nights, the life I watched breathe her last breath and die, but most of all the life that impacted so many! Tomorrow, on January 31, 2014, Mabry would have been six months. She would be sitting up with assistance, smiling, having blowout diapers, screaming, pulling my hair, rolling over, babbling and many more things I have seen my friend's children who are Mabry's age doing lately. Some people throw a big celebration for the 6 month milestone, having a cake and pictures, while others just see it as another month (half way to 1). I have never really been one to celebrate this milestone with a special day but this time I am!
I have been doing better. I wouldn't say for me, each day gets better or its a day to day thing. It has always been week to week for me. The difficult weeks have been spaced out further and further. I am still stricken with extreme grief but it is not as often. This last week I was extremely depressed and cried alot. Part of it was also that I had my wisdom teeth out and I was in pain:/ BUT the last two days I really feel like God has moved in me! The last two days I have been thinking about everything from when she was in my womb, the day of delivery, her death and finally her funeral. I even listened to one of the songs we played at the funeral as we were walking out. LifeSong by Casting Crown. some of the words go like this,
"Lord I give my life,
a living sacrifice
to reach a world in need
to be your hands and feet
may the words I say
and the things I do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to you
This was HER SONG! This was her purpose! Tonight I talked at our Younglives thing and we talked about one of the hardest questions that I still feel like we will never fully understand: Isaiah 55:8-9 My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
What good people? We are all sinners and in need of being saved. Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (keep reading and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ). .But tonight I realized this question is worded wrong. SO, since we have established that no one is good, what about the other part of that question BAD THINGS. Tonight I realized, what is our human concept of a "bad thing"? When your boyfriend breaks up with you? When you lost your job? When your child dies? When your spouse dies? How do we declare something bad? Remember when something "BAD" happened to you and then miraculously it turned out later that it wasn't such a "BAD" thing after all. Yes, losing my daughter was "BAD" but it also WAS GOOD! These past 2 days instead of crying and weeping for my loss, God has given great joy and peace in remembering the impact her life had on people near and far. I mean, seriously she died 6 months ago and people are still reading my blog, some even for the first time. This "GOOD" outweighs all the "BAD" that has come our way. People have come to know Jesus! They will get to be in heaven with Mabry and my family! Who could ask for anything better than that? Her hands and feet were so tiny but he made them so very MIGHTY! Through her life, she encouraged many to renew their faith in him, have hope, live their lives fully in the moment, cherish there children even more, seek HIM in good times and in BAD! She helped me to share my strength that he has given me and continues to give me! She helped to strengthen my faith, my marriage, my love for my two boys! I am so excited for one day when I get to see her in heaven some day! I just hope I get to be there when he says to MABRY: Well done my good and faithful servant. I am thankful she gave her life for many! It is not always easy and I don't always feel so joyous about it but because he loves me, he is still seeing me through this!
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid
Matthew 5:4
Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted".
Phillipians 4:7
And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
SO tomorrow will be a day of celebration! There may be a few tears but mostly joy!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Random
Many nights I lay in bed thinking and writing but only "mentally". I don't want to get up and actually blog or journal. I want to sleep. You see I have 2 toddler boys! Makes sense huh? Well, tonight I finally decided to get up because I think I need to share this story with you. First, let me start by saying it has been a rough week. My emotions seem to be on this pendulum that swings SLOWLY from one end to the other, being joyful and doing well to crying and struggling. BUT the more I thought about it - isn't that the christian life? Grief. I learned about it in nursing school and Brian learned about it in medical school but neither of us have really experienced the depth of grief we are now. All I can say, is I would have never understood it unless I had experienced this type of grief. I can't really explain it and I don't know that you will ever understand it unless you experience it. And the type of grief you experience from the loss of a child is different than the loss of a sibling, a parent, a loved one. They are probably all unique in and of themselves. However, difficult the grief, it's important that you hear I am on a "swinging" pendulum. It doesn't stay in one extreme for too long. It always swings the other way. It's still hard when I go shopping and I walk past the girl stuff at the stores. Sometimes it's hard to see other babies and think of what it my life would be like right now. I wonder what kind of clothes, bows and shoes I would dress her in. I wonder how the boys would be with her. I have already thought about christmas. I have seen the "First Thanksgiving and First Christmas" outfits and it always brings me to tears. Sometimes, it seems like the "good" days are longer and other days the "bad" days are longer BUT IT ALWAYS SWINGS. This is by the grace of God, he comforts me and draws me close. Even when I am too weary to open my bible or sometimes even pray. He brings me peace and hope and joy. He renews my spirit and my longing for reading his word. He surrounds me with Godly encouraging women who love me! He reminds me she is in Heaven and to even think of all the lives she has changed, challenged, encouraged - and IT'S STILL WORTH IT~ Thank you Jesus for those sweet reminders!
Now to my story of the day! So, tonight we were having some friends over for dinner and I had to run to the store to grab a few things. As I was walking into the store, there was a homeless couple sitting right outside the doors. My first thought was, "I should buy them some food and give it to them on my way out!" That was it! I moved on to my shopping list. I told myself they probably won't still be there when I come out. I gathered all my stuff in the store - my anti-aging cream, some church shoes for my son, my few little groceries but I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head "Don't forget about the homeless couple outside". I continued to the register without any food items for them. I used the self check out lane and got to my son's shoes - no tag! Dang it! I really wanted those shoes but I am in a hurry and don't want to wait or go grab another pair. I finished paying for my items but then realized I NEED to go get them some food. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE GAVE ME ALL THIS MONEY! I DON'T DESERVE IT, I DIDN'T EARN IT. I started thinking of all the bible verses that called me to give generously and with a good heart, to give freely! I told the cashier to hold the shoes and ran outside to see if they were still there - they were! I ran back to get the shoes with a tag and grabbed some groceries they could eat. SO this time when I walked out I handed them the groceries and he replied, "God Bless". Now some of you may be thinking, Wow what a Saint, right? Nope! I just handed it to them and said here you go and kept moving because I was running late and I was nervous about what to say. Now, as I lay in bed I think of all the good news I could have shared with them. I could have shared how my daughter died a few months ago BUT how great GOD is despite my loss. Anyway, I am sharing this story to encourage you! I know we all feel that "tugging at our heart strings" from time to time. That is JESUS asking you to do his work, to serve his people. He came to serve not be served! He has called us to be like him. I didn't want to do it, but I did and I don't regret it. Just an encouragement to RESPOND! He will do the rest. You can't change their hearts, only he can BUT he will use us to GLORIFY HIM!!!
Now to my story of the day! So, tonight we were having some friends over for dinner and I had to run to the store to grab a few things. As I was walking into the store, there was a homeless couple sitting right outside the doors. My first thought was, "I should buy them some food and give it to them on my way out!" That was it! I moved on to my shopping list. I told myself they probably won't still be there when I come out. I gathered all my stuff in the store - my anti-aging cream, some church shoes for my son, my few little groceries but I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head "Don't forget about the homeless couple outside". I continued to the register without any food items for them. I used the self check out lane and got to my son's shoes - no tag! Dang it! I really wanted those shoes but I am in a hurry and don't want to wait or go grab another pair. I finished paying for my items but then realized I NEED to go get them some food. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE GAVE ME ALL THIS MONEY! I DON'T DESERVE IT, I DIDN'T EARN IT. I started thinking of all the bible verses that called me to give generously and with a good heart, to give freely! I told the cashier to hold the shoes and ran outside to see if they were still there - they were! I ran back to get the shoes with a tag and grabbed some groceries they could eat. SO this time when I walked out I handed them the groceries and he replied, "God Bless". Now some of you may be thinking, Wow what a Saint, right? Nope! I just handed it to them and said here you go and kept moving because I was running late and I was nervous about what to say. Now, as I lay in bed I think of all the good news I could have shared with them. I could have shared how my daughter died a few months ago BUT how great GOD is despite my loss. Anyway, I am sharing this story to encourage you! I know we all feel that "tugging at our heart strings" from time to time. That is JESUS asking you to do his work, to serve his people. He came to serve not be served! He has called us to be like him. I didn't want to do it, but I did and I don't regret it. Just an encouragement to RESPOND! He will do the rest. You can't change their hearts, only he can BUT he will use us to GLORIFY HIM!!!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Struggling for him
I knew I felt a blogging coming just wish it wasn't always so late at night but I guess that is when my brain has time to think when all is quiet... Today is National Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day I have never heard of before and only know about now because of our loss and belonging to a FB group that is specifically for those who have lost an infant. I don't have a whole lot of emotion hearing this today, why? I go through all kinds of emotions all the time. Last week I was starting to feel normal again, a new normal, but more normal than I have been since Mabry passed away. I feel like less people are staring at me, wondering how I am feeling, what's going on with her today, is she gonna cry? I know I shouldn't care what people think but I always feel like people are watching me AND I just want to be known as Heather, not that girl whose baby died a couple of hours after she was born. I know people just care and worry for me but it is that constant reminder that I am different than them. Wow, do you hear the selfishness in all my statements! Yep, that's right, I am not a saint or any different than any other believer. I am not this amazing woman that all think I am. I still struggle as others struggle. I sometimes have to ask why? Why me? Why us? Why did he pick me to go through this? Can it be over now? Can I just forget this ever happened and move on with my life? The answer is so simple, yet so complex, and not completely within my grasp of human understanding. Why are we still here on this earth? Why can't he just come back now!!!! My selfish plea is that he will come tomorrow and take us all home BUT there are those, those out there he LOVES and CHERISHES and I have to think WEEPS over us. Those he is waiting on to come to him so that they can see him face to face and be in eternity with him forever someday. He has a kingdom and inheritance that is waiting! I can't even imagine how it will be to have no more mourning or pain. One that is so precious and amazing for his SONS, his beloved. This is YOU! This is all of us! I believe he desires that we would ALL choose him.
This is STILL all for HIS glory but that doesn't make it any easier for me, but his WORD helps.
Remember this,
John 1:1
In the beginning was the word, and the word was WITH God and the word WAS God. I think it can be a difficult concept to understand until one day it is made clear and you fully see this! HIS WORD, the bible, the words you SEE and HEAR as you read them are like him speaking into your soul -the deepest, deepest part of you. These WORDS are ALIVE! Like a cell - they MOVE inside of you.
Funny thing as I was thinking about blogging tonight and what I would say and tell you all the things that were going on inside my head tonight, all my struggles in my spiritual walk, all my struggles with my selfish thoughts and this is what I share with you. Words of encouragement to Press on towards the goal, the prize. Join me, join me in intimately, deeply knowing a father who can only LOVE you in a way that no one else can, a way you cannot even attempt to by filling up yourself with other things, or thoughts. For goodness sakes he created your inmost being. He knit you together in your mother's womb. He doesn't promise a world of joys, he actually promises us troubles in this world BUT he says take HEART for I have OVERCOME the world! John 16:33. He promises us an inheritance, a kingdom, an eternity that is far better that one millisecond on this earth.
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange where happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be OVERJOYED when his GLORY is revealed!
1 Peter 5:6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all you anxiety on him because he CARES for YOU. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion LOOKING for someone to DEVOUR. Resist him, STANDING FIRM IN THE FAITH, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of ALL grace, who CALLED you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you STRONG, FIRM and STEADFAST. To him be the power for ever and ever amen.
After my last post my husband said, "I want to tell you something but don't get mad". Seriously? What husband starts a sentence like that? ha ha Defenses up and ready? you betcha! ha ha. He said, "When I read your post, it doesn't even sound like it came from you?" I immediately let my guard down and smiled. I said, "Really? That's exactly what I want. I want Jesus to speak through me." I don't write down what I am going to blog before I type it up. I barely even think before I blog. I just have lots of thoughts running through my mind and decide to get up and start typing. I pray God just speaks through me each time so that others will be encouraged AND it gives me peace. Usually when I start typing I am upset, crying, and struggling BUT always by the end I am peaceful.
Tonight I want to share my favorite scripture with all of you:
1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful ALWAYS! Pray CONTINUALLY! Give THANKS in ALL things, for THIS is God's WILL FOR YOU in Christ Jesus.
This is STILL all for HIS glory but that doesn't make it any easier for me, but his WORD helps.
Remember this,
John 1:1
In the beginning was the word, and the word was WITH God and the word WAS God. I think it can be a difficult concept to understand until one day it is made clear and you fully see this! HIS WORD, the bible, the words you SEE and HEAR as you read them are like him speaking into your soul -the deepest, deepest part of you. These WORDS are ALIVE! Like a cell - they MOVE inside of you.
Funny thing as I was thinking about blogging tonight and what I would say and tell you all the things that were going on inside my head tonight, all my struggles in my spiritual walk, all my struggles with my selfish thoughts and this is what I share with you. Words of encouragement to Press on towards the goal, the prize. Join me, join me in intimately, deeply knowing a father who can only LOVE you in a way that no one else can, a way you cannot even attempt to by filling up yourself with other things, or thoughts. For goodness sakes he created your inmost being. He knit you together in your mother's womb. He doesn't promise a world of joys, he actually promises us troubles in this world BUT he says take HEART for I have OVERCOME the world! John 16:33. He promises us an inheritance, a kingdom, an eternity that is far better that one millisecond on this earth.
1 Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange where happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be OVERJOYED when his GLORY is revealed!
1 Peter 5:6-11
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all you anxiety on him because he CARES for YOU. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion LOOKING for someone to DEVOUR. Resist him, STANDING FIRM IN THE FAITH, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of ALL grace, who CALLED you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself RESTORE you and make you STRONG, FIRM and STEADFAST. To him be the power for ever and ever amen.
After my last post my husband said, "I want to tell you something but don't get mad". Seriously? What husband starts a sentence like that? ha ha Defenses up and ready? you betcha! ha ha. He said, "When I read your post, it doesn't even sound like it came from you?" I immediately let my guard down and smiled. I said, "Really? That's exactly what I want. I want Jesus to speak through me." I don't write down what I am going to blog before I type it up. I barely even think before I blog. I just have lots of thoughts running through my mind and decide to get up and start typing. I pray God just speaks through me each time so that others will be encouraged AND it gives me peace. Usually when I start typing I am upset, crying, and struggling BUT always by the end I am peaceful.
Tonight I want to share my favorite scripture with all of you:
1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful ALWAYS! Pray CONTINUALLY! Give THANKS in ALL things, for THIS is God's WILL FOR YOU in Christ Jesus.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The New Normal
Mabry would have been two months today. She might be smiling and cooing at me. My emotions are raw tonight. I went about my day just fine but as the day wore on the sadness inside me grew. I see babies around me growing up and meeting milestones, ones I won't get to watch her do, like rolling over, smiling, laughing, sitting up and walking. I see little girls with cute shoes (I am a lover of shoes), bows and pretty little dresses. I don't get to do that - dress her up and buy her lots of cute shoes (a different pair for every outfit ha ha). When? When is the grieving and counting the days, weeks, months going to end? My guess is never. It will NEVER be the same. I will NEVER be the same. I have changed. I am more reserved and quiet (if you can believe that). I force myself to be social, to talk to others around me and I feel horrible if I don't reach out and talk to those around me. It takes everything in me these days to WANT to be social. Most days are ok now but I still have those reminders like today - 2 months. Will I really count every month, every year? It seems exhausting. I don't even know that I have much to say today. I have plenty going through my mind all the time, things I want to share with all of you but I just can't bring myself to blog that often. I don't want to because then I will have to think about her and FEEL. I don't like to FEEL all the time. I don't want to be sad and cry all the time. It's too much. God gives me joy each morning. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and two amazing, smart, happy, energetic boys!
Our bible study this week is over suffering for Christ. Suffering you ask? Don't you have to be a martyr? Be persecuted? That's what I thought but I suffer, I suffer alot. GOD chose me and my husband to give birth to a daughter so that more would come to know him, so that I would know him deeper, better and so that you would know him deeper and better. Paul writes this letter to the believers in Corinth and he says this,
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all COMFORT. He comforts us in ALL our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort GOD has given us. For the more we SUFFER for Christ, the MORE God will shower us with his COMFORT through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for you COMFORT and SALVATION! For when we ourselves are COMFORTED, we will certainly COMFORT you. Then you can PATIENTLY endure the same things we suffer. We are CONFIDENT that as you share in our sufferings, you will ALSO share in the COMFORT God gives us.
There sure is a lot of comforting that goes along with suffering huh?
WE PLAYED THIS SONG AT MABRY'S FUNERAL and it brought me comfort this evening.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden , I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, and I realize how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.
And Oh, how he loves us, oh how he loves us, how he loves us ALL
And we are his portion and HE is our PRIZE, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes, If heaven is an ocean, then we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about the way.....
HE LOVES US!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
GRIEF
Grief, what does that look like? I am sure it is very different for everyone. I know there are some theories out there like Kubler-Ross, whom I would agree with it, but how that looks is so different. Today I went to my bible study at church and to be honest I can't even remember what she said or really if it was anything she said, but I started crying. I needed to just weep and let it out but I was in a room with over one hundred women and of course I was sitting in the middle. I started to look for the quickest, low profile, escape route. I looked to the left - nope too many people that know me and will see me crying, plus I might have to say excuse me to get past some chairs. So, I look to the right, same thing! Dang it! I can't stop the tears but I don't want to break down right here in front of everyone. I finally turned to a friend as nonchalantly as I could and asked if she had a kleenex, which thankfully she had a paper towel! I silently shed tears while I listened to our teacher, hoping that no one noticed. Now, before I go any further I have to give you a glimpse into my personality. My friend, Holly said it to the nurse at the hospital and I think it was the best way to describe me. She asked how I was feeling and Holly said you will never know how she is feeling. I am not an open book and I tend to hide my hurts and pains. I do NOT like to cry in front of people, it makes me uncomfortable. This is something I have struggled with all my life but I am getting better at it. Of course, today with 100 women all around me, some I know and some I don't. Really?!?! Really?!?! Not the place I thought I would break down. Anyways, afterwards my friend, Kristen, who handed me the kleenex asked if I was having a bad day and wanted to hug me. That was it! I lost it, just sobbing into her shoulder. Then it was time to leave. I had to pick the boys up from school in 20 minutes BUT the tears just started coming, I couldn't stop. My heart was aching so badly. I miss her so much but then I think to myself how can I miss her, she didn't really have time to develop a personality. I think I miss what would/could have been. I wish I could hold her again, stare at her and nurse her. I in know way want to make those mommies (especially mommies of newborns) feel guilty in any way but I wish I was up all hours of the night feeding and calming a screaming baby, I wish I was struggling to make it through the day with a newborn and my two boys who would be driving me crazy, I wish I was exhausted from having a newborn not exhausted today from grief. I cried all the way to school, trying so hard to compose myself so I wouldn't walk in there crying. NO SUCH LUCK! I already had swollen blood shot eyes and sadness written all over my face. I tried to keep my head down but when Carson's teacher (a friend) asked if I was ok I didn't lie - I said no and started crying again. I am so thankful for the teachers and directors at My School, they have been such a blessing to me, supporting me and praying for me. Thank you! I finally made it home to feed boys and put them down for a nap and I managed to mostly keep it together to accomplish this. Then, I laid in my bed and just sobbed. I learned something about grief I had never experienced before (probably because I have never experienced grief like this) it take a toll on you physically as well. My head hurt and my body has been so fatigued today but I couldn't sleep. My grief has overwhelmed me!
Now, if you hear anything at all I hope this next section resignates deep down within you and you may not understand or get it but I pray that you will at least get to see a glimpse of him in all my grief and sadness. I think God wants me to continue to blog so as to share with you - you know who you are. I am not claiming to be a theologian or as well-read on scripture as I should be so please read it for yourself. Do not take my word for it. We are studying the book of Colossians in our bible study, which was written by Paul. I have never done a study on Paul before but I do know that he was persecuted for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul spent years in prison, was beaten, whipped and stoned YET he DID NOT stop proclaiming Christ and encouraging the body of believers. Read the story of Paul in Acts Chapter 9. He was blinded by Jesus and then a disciple named Ananias was told to go to him and Ananias was reluctant and this is what the Lord said to Ananias in return Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to Ananias, "GO! This man is MY chosen instrument to carry MY name before the gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I WILL SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR MY NAME! I totally get this!!! I feel as though we are suffering for his name. He is using our daughter, our pain and suffering and grieft to spread HIS name. AMEN! I know this may be hard to believe but as the day has gone on and as I have laid there praying what few words I can fathom, God's peace washes over me. My life is not about me - its all about him, its all for him! We are for him! He created us FOR him. He created my daughter for him. He knew every moment, every breath she would breathe. He knew I would be faithful in sharing her with you! He knew his name would be glorified. I said from the very beginning This blog was created to share her story in hopes that many would believe in JESUS and those that believe would be strengthened and renewed in their walk with him.
I could not have said this this morning!
He chose us, he knew all along this would be our journey, our walk. He chose Paul to suffer for his name and he chose us from the beginning to do his will, to share his name, to proclaim his love and grace. I pray that you have seen that in us, through this blog and in person. I have to think though that Paul had days like I am having today. It is SO hard sometimes. Today at the beginning of the day, I didn't want this to be our journey, I just wanted my daughter back and I still do BUT I would rather him be glorified and those in this world come to know Jesus. My baby girl is already there but there are so many here on earth that don't know him yet (and when I say know him I mean a real relationship) I know that may sound strange to some of you - you would want your daughter to die so that others would come to know Jesus Christ - and the answer is YES a million times!!!! As I said, she is with him and we will be reunited one day in eternity. I may struggle with this at times but I always come back to it! To him be the glory! So, please hear me when I say that I am thankful to those of you that sent me messages via FB and other means that you have been strengthened in your walk, that you want to share Christ with your children, that you are going to church now, that you have asked Jesus into your heart!!! Those messages are encouraging to me and help me to continue sharing her life and now my grief with all of you! I have to think that Paul receiving word in prison that fellow believers were growing in their faith. I too, am encouraged. He says this in Ephesians 1: 15-16 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...... keep reading 17-23. This is how I feel about those of you that read my blog and share it with others. I hope you too are encouraged by it!
He loves me and I am blessed! Even when I am sad, yearning for my daughter - I know he loves me. His word says,
Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This is my prayer and I think will be my prayer for many months to come!!!!
2 Corinthians 8-10 (this was written by Paul)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My GRACE is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Now, if you hear anything at all I hope this next section resignates deep down within you and you may not understand or get it but I pray that you will at least get to see a glimpse of him in all my grief and sadness. I think God wants me to continue to blog so as to share with you - you know who you are. I am not claiming to be a theologian or as well-read on scripture as I should be so please read it for yourself. Do not take my word for it. We are studying the book of Colossians in our bible study, which was written by Paul. I have never done a study on Paul before but I do know that he was persecuted for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul spent years in prison, was beaten, whipped and stoned YET he DID NOT stop proclaiming Christ and encouraging the body of believers. Read the story of Paul in Acts Chapter 9. He was blinded by Jesus and then a disciple named Ananias was told to go to him and Ananias was reluctant and this is what the Lord said to Ananias in return Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to Ananias, "GO! This man is MY chosen instrument to carry MY name before the gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I WILL SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR MY NAME! I totally get this!!! I feel as though we are suffering for his name. He is using our daughter, our pain and suffering and grieft to spread HIS name. AMEN! I know this may be hard to believe but as the day has gone on and as I have laid there praying what few words I can fathom, God's peace washes over me. My life is not about me - its all about him, its all for him! We are for him! He created us FOR him. He created my daughter for him. He knew every moment, every breath she would breathe. He knew I would be faithful in sharing her with you! He knew his name would be glorified. I said from the very beginning This blog was created to share her story in hopes that many would believe in JESUS and those that believe would be strengthened and renewed in their walk with him.
I could not have said this this morning!
He chose us, he knew all along this would be our journey, our walk. He chose Paul to suffer for his name and he chose us from the beginning to do his will, to share his name, to proclaim his love and grace. I pray that you have seen that in us, through this blog and in person. I have to think though that Paul had days like I am having today. It is SO hard sometimes. Today at the beginning of the day, I didn't want this to be our journey, I just wanted my daughter back and I still do BUT I would rather him be glorified and those in this world come to know Jesus. My baby girl is already there but there are so many here on earth that don't know him yet (and when I say know him I mean a real relationship) I know that may sound strange to some of you - you would want your daughter to die so that others would come to know Jesus Christ - and the answer is YES a million times!!!! As I said, she is with him and we will be reunited one day in eternity. I may struggle with this at times but I always come back to it! To him be the glory! So, please hear me when I say that I am thankful to those of you that sent me messages via FB and other means that you have been strengthened in your walk, that you want to share Christ with your children, that you are going to church now, that you have asked Jesus into your heart!!! Those messages are encouraging to me and help me to continue sharing her life and now my grief with all of you! I have to think that Paul receiving word in prison that fellow believers were growing in their faith. I too, am encouraged. He says this in Ephesians 1: 15-16 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...... keep reading 17-23. This is how I feel about those of you that read my blog and share it with others. I hope you too are encouraged by it!
He loves me and I am blessed! Even when I am sad, yearning for my daughter - I know he loves me. His word says,
Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This is my prayer and I think will be my prayer for many months to come!!!!
2 Corinthians 8-10 (this was written by Paul)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My GRACE is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Goodbye
I have said I wanted to finish her story but I find myself lately wanting to continue to blog but first I feel as though I must finish her story, our story. Here is a little recap to where I left off.
Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE; MOURN WITH THOSE WHO MOURN. ROMANS 12:15
Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
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