In the Quiet

Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths. I called for the hospice nurse who came in as always with her soothing, calming, supportive presence.  She listened for a heart beat with her stethescope and nodded her head at me.  We all knew that she had passed.  I remember at one point telling her it was ok to go to heaven and that she would have so much fun there and that Jesus would love her so much.  She was gone.  It was over.  Our time with her had come and gone.  My youngest sister was there with us and then my parents came in to say goodbye.  I was utterly exhausted and in pain.  I had been sitting up for hours and had not taken a pain pill (I didn't want to be lethargic or fall asleep; I didn't want to miss one moment).  After my family left we decided it was time to do our footprints.  We had bought all of us new bibles, including the boys, and had footprints placed in the bibles.  It felt like it took forever.  Brian helped the nurses while I sat there (my pain had gotten pretty bad).  It seemed like an eternity.  Then it was done.  The nurse and hospice nurse left us alone with her and just said to call when we were ready.  Honestly Brian and I had talked that we didn't want to keep her long after she had passed.  We were afraid of how her body would change (me being an ICU nurse and him being a physician) we knew post-mortem could be not so pleasant to watch.  BUT we wanted to be with her, we wanted to hold her and look at her.  We took turns holding her with silence in the room, it was so peaceful.  Then I decided to hold her to my chest and wrap my arms around her.  I then realized I had not done this while she was alive - why?  The only thing I could come up with was that I was afraid she would stop breathing if I changed her position.  I clung to her in this position - it was so comforting to hold her to my chest and kiss her sweet head.  I could tell we didn't want to let her go!!!!  We knew we would have and after a while we started noticing changes to her body.  We talked about how we weren't ready to let her go but that we NEVER would be, SO we prayed together over her body, rejoicing that we had so much time with her but that she was now in heaven with Jesus.  Then we called for the nurse to come get her.  She wrapped her up in the things we decided to bury her in and we kissed on her on the head and watched the nurse walk out the door with her to never see her again.  THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING TO DO THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!!  Watching them take her away to know that it was over and we would never see her again was SO HARD.  After she left, we sat there for a few minutes in the silence and then in utter exhaustion, we crawled up on the couch bed and held each other as we fell asleep.  Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day.  We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital.  Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home.  Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth.  I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear?  She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old).  He smiled and said he had heard.  I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor.  And then we went home to our boys and family.  
I want to post one more time to talk about the service and hope to get to that soon.  It has almost been one month since she was born and died.  Mostly the days are ok, busy with two boys and Brian working but every couple of days we are reminded of our loss here on earth and are saddened BUT I find comfort in the truth that she is heaven playing!  Carson asked me just yesterday if we could get a pacifier to Mabry in heaven and I told him God has 100 million pacifiers in heaven because there are lots of babies in heaven with Jesus.  Carson reassures me that she is happy and playing in heaven!!  Thank you for all your support and prayers.  We are truly blessed!