Peace and Joy

How do you like that title?  Never thought I would be choosing those as my titles this close to the end.
First, let me back up a little.  On Wednesday I started having some painful contractions anytime I would do anything, even sitting.  After laying down they virtually went away.  The next day I tried to relax and not do much but it seemed like they came back with a vengeance.  They really started hurting and although they were somewhat irregular I would have several close together and then a little down time.  With that said, my Dr was out of town, my photographer was out of town and my husband has a HUGE test on July 30th that is pass or fail and you can only take once a year! I was in full panic mode.  We hadn't packed anything!  I had all of Mabry's stuff ready as its been ready for months.  We had no overnight bags, camera, and whatever else I can't even think of.  I then started thinking about the kids - they were tripping!  They knew something had been up since mommy was laying on the bed all day and their were sitters and friends taking them.  I realized what in the world are we gonna do if she comes in the middle of the night?!?!? Wake my kids up so they get to see her - CRANKY!  They needed clothes too for pictures right?  My sister in law was on her way from Kansas - praise God!  SO, we packed what we could think of, left the kids with the sitter and headed to the hospital.  Of course, labor and delivery was busy that night so we had to wait for some time.  While I was sitting there my contractions were so painful and close together, but the funny thing was when I would lay down they would almost go completely away.  After some time, we got taken back to be examined.  I recognized the nurse; she had helped deliver Carson.  She didn't remember us though and started asking questions and then the poor thing put her foot in her mouth.  Oh, you have two boys, well that will be exciting to have a girl this time.  Brian and I looked at each other and I just decided I needed to tell her so she didn't feel any worse than I already knew she would.  Of course she apologized and we all moved on.  Finally the resident and Dr came in.  They examined me and decided my body could be trying to put itself in premature labor but it was too early to tell.  Nothing was going on down there at this point.  They said it could be from all the extra fluid.  Then the Dr. started asking me what all I had talked about with my other Dr and what kind of plans we had made.  Their is a procedure they could perform to pull some of the fluid off but he said it posed more risks to my health and they usually perform the procedure on women that are expecting a viable baby in attempts to save them.  Don't get angry at this - he was just saying the risks to me in this case may not be worth the benefits knowing she was not expected to survive and it would only be temporary.  Thus, we decided to forego the procedure.  I told him we were really trying to keep her in my womb until after Tuesday , which was the day of Brian's test.  I couldn't even imagine trying to take a test right after losing a child.  So, we went home on meds to help with the pain and discomfort in hopes that by me being on strict bedrest the contractions would stop and we could hold off on labor until Wednesday July 31.  Thankfully, my sister in law Christy got here while we were at the hospital.  She has been such a blessing to us in addition to so many friends who have been bringing us dinner and helping with kids and running errands for me.
Now, we wait and pray.  I am on strict bedrest until Tuesday, which is when Brian will take his test in San Antonio (2.5hrs away). I have only been sleeping about 3 hours a night and Friday night I got in the shower to try and relax. I started talking to Mabry telling her, Mommy loves you, but Jesus loves you more and you are gonna get to go be with him and have so much fun!  I promise Mommy will be ok because Jesus loves her too.  Another moment I had was early Sat morning.  I thought to myself, I am going to get to hold my daughter soon!  I am going to get to see her.  I am so excited.  I am ready to meet her.  I am ready to see her face and love on her!  Then when I got in the shower this song went through my mind, "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King".  Today I am joyful and anxious to finally meet here.  Today I am thankful for peace and joy that only comes from my savior!
Paul says in Phillipians 1:21-23
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.  If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.  Yet, what shall I choose?  I do not know! I am torn between the two:  I desire to depart and be with Christ, WHICH IS BETTER BY FAR.
My Mabry is going to experience something that is by far better than being here!  I want her funeral to be a joyous day!  A day of celebration!  I hope those of you that come will wear bright colors in honor of her "graduation to heaven"!  I know my family will be:)