Grief, what does that look like? I am sure it is very different for everyone. I know there are some theories out there like Kubler-Ross, whom I would agree with it, but how that looks is so different. Today I went to my bible study at church and to be honest I can't even remember what she said or really if it was anything she said, but I started crying. I needed to just weep and let it out but I was in a room with over one hundred women and of course I was sitting in the middle. I started to look for the quickest, low profile, escape route. I looked to the left - nope too many people that know me and will see me crying, plus I might have to say excuse me to get past some chairs. So, I look to the right, same thing! Dang it! I can't stop the tears but I don't want to break down right here in front of everyone. I finally turned to a friend as nonchalantly as I could and asked if she had a kleenex, which thankfully she had a paper towel! I silently shed tears while I listened to our teacher, hoping that no one noticed. Now, before I go any further I have to give you a glimpse into my personality. My friend, Holly said it to the nurse at the hospital and I think it was the best way to describe me. She asked how I was feeling and Holly said you will never know how she is feeling. I am not an open book and I tend to hide my hurts and pains. I do NOT like to cry in front of people, it makes me uncomfortable. This is something I have struggled with all my life but I am getting better at it. Of course, today with 100 women all around me, some I know and some I don't. Really?!?! Really?!?! Not the place I thought I would break down. Anyways, afterwards my friend, Kristen, who handed me the kleenex asked if I was having a bad day and wanted to hug me. That was it! I lost it, just sobbing into her shoulder. Then it was time to leave. I had to pick the boys up from school in 20 minutes BUT the tears just started coming, I couldn't stop. My heart was aching so badly. I miss her so much but then I think to myself how can I miss her, she didn't really have time to develop a personality. I think I miss what would/could have been. I wish I could hold her again, stare at her and nurse her. I in know way want to make those mommies (especially mommies of newborns) feel guilty in any way but I wish I was up all hours of the night feeding and calming a screaming baby, I wish I was struggling to make it through the day with a newborn and my two boys who would be driving me crazy, I wish I was exhausted from having a newborn not exhausted today from grief. I cried all the way to school, trying so hard to compose myself so I wouldn't walk in there crying. NO SUCH LUCK! I already had swollen blood shot eyes and sadness written all over my face. I tried to keep my head down but when Carson's teacher (a friend) asked if I was ok I didn't lie - I said no and started crying again. I am so thankful for the teachers and directors at My School, they have been such a blessing to me, supporting me and praying for me. Thank you! I finally made it home to feed boys and put them down for a nap and I managed to mostly keep it together to accomplish this. Then, I laid in my bed and just sobbed. I learned something about grief I had never experienced before (probably because I have never experienced grief like this) it take a toll on you physically as well. My head hurt and my body has been so fatigued today but I couldn't sleep. My grief has overwhelmed me!
Now, if you hear anything at all I hope this next section resignates deep down within you and you may not understand or get it but I pray that you will at least get to see a glimpse of him in all my grief and sadness. I think God wants me to continue to blog so as to share with you - you know who you are. I am not claiming to be a theologian or as well-read on scripture as I should be so please read it for yourself. Do not take my word for it. We are studying the book of Colossians in our bible study, which was written by Paul. I have never done a study on Paul before but I do know that he was persecuted for the gospel of Jesus Christ. Paul spent years in prison, was beaten, whipped and stoned YET he DID NOT stop proclaiming Christ and encouraging the body of believers. Read the story of Paul in Acts Chapter 9. He was blinded by Jesus and then a disciple named Ananias was told to go to him and Ananias was reluctant and this is what the Lord said to Ananias in return Acts 9:15-16 But the Lord said to Ananias, "GO! This man is MY chosen instrument to carry MY name before the gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel. I WILL SHOW HIM HOW MUCH HE MUST SUFFER FOR MY NAME! I totally get this!!! I feel as though we are suffering for his name. He is using our daughter, our pain and suffering and grieft to spread HIS name. AMEN! I know this may be hard to believe but as the day has gone on and as I have laid there praying what few words I can fathom, God's peace washes over me. My life is not about me - its all about him, its all for him! We are for him! He created us FOR him. He created my daughter for him. He knew every moment, every breath she would breathe. He knew I would be faithful in sharing her with you! He knew his name would be glorified. I said from the very beginning This blog was created to share her story in hopes that many would believe in JESUS and those that believe would be strengthened and renewed in their walk with him.
I could not have said this this morning!
He chose us, he knew all along this would be our journey, our walk. He chose Paul to suffer for his name and he chose us from the beginning to do his will, to share his name, to proclaim his love and grace. I pray that you have seen that in us, through this blog and in person. I have to think though that Paul had days like I am having today. It is SO hard sometimes. Today at the beginning of the day, I didn't want this to be our journey, I just wanted my daughter back and I still do BUT I would rather him be glorified and those in this world come to know Jesus. My baby girl is already there but there are so many here on earth that don't know him yet (and when I say know him I mean a real relationship) I know that may sound strange to some of you - you would want your daughter to die so that others would come to know Jesus Christ - and the answer is YES a million times!!!! As I said, she is with him and we will be reunited one day in eternity. I may struggle with this at times but I always come back to it! To him be the glory! So, please hear me when I say that I am thankful to those of you that sent me messages via FB and other means that you have been strengthened in your walk, that you want to share Christ with your children, that you are going to church now, that you have asked Jesus into your heart!!! Those messages are encouraging to me and help me to continue sharing her life and now my grief with all of you! I have to think that Paul receiving word in prison that fellow believers were growing in their faith. I too, am encouraged. He says this in Ephesians 1: 15-16 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers...... keep reading 17-23. This is how I feel about those of you that read my blog and share it with others. I hope you too are encouraged by it!
He loves me and I am blessed! Even when I am sad, yearning for my daughter - I know he loves me. His word says,
Hebrews 13:5 Never will I leave you, nor will I forsake you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
This is my prayer and I think will be my prayer for many months to come!!!!
2 Corinthians 8-10 (this was written by Paul)
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My GRACE is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I DELIGHT in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Goodbye
I have said I wanted to finish her story but I find myself lately wanting to continue to blog but first I feel as though I must finish her story, our story. Here is a little recap to where I left off.
Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
REJOICE WITH THOSE WHO REJOICE; MOURN WITH THOSE WHO MOURN. ROMANS 12:15
Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day. We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital. Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home. Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth. I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear? She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old). He smiled and said he had heard. I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor. And then we went home to our boys and family.
The boys were so excited to see us. We loved on them and had breakfast and then I went to lay down. I had only slept for one hour in the last 24 hours. I was struggling to get my pain under control. I don't remember much about that day or even the next few days. Our families were in and out of the house all day. I just felt overwhelmed with all the people and the constant noise. Everyone looked to us for what to do, what not to do and when to do it all. I did not care. I did not want to make any decisions, I did not want any responsibility; I felt numb. Fortunately, I already had almost everything for the service, which was to be on Saturday arranged (thanks to help from some wonderful friends all working together). There wasn't much to do but I did want to go buy a pretty dress to wear to my daughter's funeral. So, my sister, the young and stylish one went with me. We had to drive to a near-by town to the only maternity clothing store (that I know of). As I walked in I noticed everything was fall colors already and I wanted to wear BRIGHT colors to her service. I walked up to the sales associate at the counter and asked if they had any bright colored dresses. She proceeded by asking me, "For your baby shower?" And I replied back as best I could without crying, "No for my daughter's funeral". She then immediately apologized but started helping me look for something. Nothing seemed just right so we went to Dillard's in hopes that maybe I could fit into something NOT maternity. We approached the sales lady there because I knew if we didn't ask for help we would be there all day. She was a young girl, probably in college, but what I really noticed was that she had a FISH ring on (which to me is a symbol that she believes in Jesus). I said to her, "I am looking for a bright colored dress, a nice dress, not yellow, orange,ect.....It is for my daughter's funeral". I just about lost it and broke down in that store. I can't even begin to tell you EVEN TO THIS DAY how hard it is to tell someone, anyone, that my daughter died. Side bar: My lawn guy saw me walking by my house and yelled out, "Hey did that girl have her baby yet?" I stopped, walked up to him and said, "That was me and she died after she was born". I don't think it will ever be easy to speak those words or to hear them come out of my mouth. Anyway, back to the story. That young girl kept it together and graciously showed me several dresses. At one point she got help from another sales associate who was walking by and the lady looked at me and said, "So you are about 6 months?!" I didn't have it in me to say it again and luckily she just started looking without waiting for my reply. My sister and I did have some smiles and laughs while trying some of the dresses on. Some of them just looked so ridiculous we had to laugh and even took pictures. No I will not be posting them! The next few hours flew by and Friday night was here. I couldn't sleep, so many thoughts running through my head; nervous about the service in the morning. I was nervous about everyone seeing me walk down that isle, staring and watching us.
Saturday morning was finally here. I had set my alarm so I could get up before the rest of the house and have some quiet time before all the hustle and bustle of getting ready for the service. We had planned to have all our families meet at our house at 9:00am so we could get to the church on time. Everyone was in my living room and I had to walk out there and see them all standing there waiting to see me and how I was doing. I didn't want to come out of my room, I didn't want to be social with anyone. They were all talking and I loudly asked everyone to be quiet for a minute. I started to explain the order of the service and where everyone would go and sit and all the logistics. Then I started to ask my father in law, "Will you please pray.....I started crying, I couldn't even speak. Brian wrapped his arms around me while I composed myself and finally was able to say "And will you please pray for those that do not believe in Jesus today"? We prayed and left for the church. Again, sitting, waiting in the family room, Brian and I didn't want to talk to anybody and then it was time. I grabbed my kleenex and lined up behind the funeral director at the door. Brian and I walked hand in hand until we entered the sanctuary. All of our friends stood as we started to walk down the isle - I LOST IT!!! I started weeping, sobbing! The sadness was overwhelming me and I had to put my head down. I couldn't look at anyone. The service was everything I had hoped it would be. Beautiful worship for our Savior, powerful, loving words spoken by dear friends and a slideshow that had us all crying and smiling. I wish you all could have been there to see it!! At first, my heart was broken with deep sorrow for my daughter and my family but as the service went on I began to feel JOY again, HOPE again, COMFORT again. God was there, he was with us, he was comforting us!! As the service ended, we were again escorted down the isle - BUT this time was DIFFERENT - I could hold my head up. My daughter was in heaven, rejoicing, worshiping!! We then, greeted all those who came, and for those of you that did, I am forever grateful!! My heart was full of joy!! I have never felt so blessed by so many. Again, I say thank you for coming and sharing in that day with us.
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