How do you like that title? Never thought I would be choosing those as my titles this close to the end.
First, let me back up a little. On Wednesday I started having some painful contractions anytime I would do anything, even sitting. After laying down they virtually went away. The next day I tried to relax and not do much but it seemed like they came back with a vengeance. They really started hurting and although they were somewhat irregular I would have several close together and then a little down time. With that said, my Dr was out of town, my photographer was out of town and my husband has a HUGE test on July 30th that is pass or fail and you can only take once a year! I was in full panic mode. We hadn't packed anything! I had all of Mabry's stuff ready as its been ready for months. We had no overnight bags, camera, and whatever else I can't even think of. I then started thinking about the kids - they were tripping! They knew something had been up since mommy was laying on the bed all day and their were sitters and friends taking them. I realized what in the world are we gonna do if she comes in the middle of the night?!?!? Wake my kids up so they get to see her - CRANKY! They needed clothes too for pictures right? My sister in law was on her way from Kansas - praise God! SO, we packed what we could think of, left the kids with the sitter and headed to the hospital. Of course, labor and delivery was busy that night so we had to wait for some time. While I was sitting there my contractions were so painful and close together, but the funny thing was when I would lay down they would almost go completely away. After some time, we got taken back to be examined. I recognized the nurse; she had helped deliver Carson. She didn't remember us though and started asking questions and then the poor thing put her foot in her mouth. Oh, you have two boys, well that will be exciting to have a girl this time. Brian and I looked at each other and I just decided I needed to tell her so she didn't feel any worse than I already knew she would. Of course she apologized and we all moved on. Finally the resident and Dr came in. They examined me and decided my body could be trying to put itself in premature labor but it was too early to tell. Nothing was going on down there at this point. They said it could be from all the extra fluid. Then the Dr. started asking me what all I had talked about with my other Dr and what kind of plans we had made. Their is a procedure they could perform to pull some of the fluid off but he said it posed more risks to my health and they usually perform the procedure on women that are expecting a viable baby in attempts to save them. Don't get angry at this - he was just saying the risks to me in this case may not be worth the benefits knowing she was not expected to survive and it would only be temporary. Thus, we decided to forego the procedure. I told him we were really trying to keep her in my womb until after Tuesday , which was the day of Brian's test. I couldn't even imagine trying to take a test right after losing a child. So, we went home on meds to help with the pain and discomfort in hopes that by me being on strict bedrest the contractions would stop and we could hold off on labor until Wednesday July 31. Thankfully, my sister in law Christy got here while we were at the hospital. She has been such a blessing to us in addition to so many friends who have been bringing us dinner and helping with kids and running errands for me.
Now, we wait and pray. I am on strict bedrest until Tuesday, which is when Brian will take his test in San Antonio (2.5hrs away). I have only been sleeping about 3 hours a night and Friday night I got in the shower to try and relax. I started talking to Mabry telling her, Mommy loves you, but Jesus loves you more and you are gonna get to go be with him and have so much fun! I promise Mommy will be ok because Jesus loves her too. Another moment I had was early Sat morning. I thought to myself, I am going to get to hold my daughter soon! I am going to get to see her. I am so excited. I am ready to meet her. I am ready to see her face and love on her! Then when I got in the shower this song went through my mind, "Soon and very soon we are going to see the King". Today I am joyful and anxious to finally meet here. Today I am thankful for peace and joy that only comes from my savior!
Paul says in Phillipians 1:21-23
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet, what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, WHICH IS BETTER BY FAR.
My Mabry is going to experience something that is by far better than being here! I want her funeral to be a joyous day! A day of celebration! I hope those of you that come will wear bright colors in honor of her "graduation to heaven"! I know my family will be:)
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Weary
All I can think of these days is Come to me those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. My last post I wrote that we had a doctor's appointment the next day. Several things have happened since then which would probably explain my title for this blog: WEARY. First, I think it is important to share all of my blessings with you all! My personality tends to be on the pessimistic side so I want to start with uplifting thoughts and comments because although we are struggling, God's love and blessings have never ceased during this difficult time. let me start by saying I LOVE our doctor. He is so compassionate and great with us. He spends so much time with us and he ALWAYS let's me watch Mabry on ultrasound for quite some time in 3D. Usually I get to watch her wiggle and suck her thumb, but this time she was sleeping. So peaceful - she was so peaceful, which in turn made me peaceful! It was a wonderful few minutes in time. You see, we have ultrasounds every 4 weeks to see how she is doing. Another wonderful thing is, again, the body of Christ at work. I have had several friends take my kids and watch them from time to time allowing me to run errands, clean or relax. I have wonderful babysitters who are so good with my children and make me feel comfortable to leave them for a duration of the day. I have friends who have made me meals. Recently, I have had friends offer to help with planning and arranging our funeral service for Mabry. Today a co-worker dropped off some beautiful flowers, a blanket and many many gift cards!!!! I am so overwhelmed by everyone's generosity. I have people asking all the time how they can help and asking to watch my kids. Tonight I just don't know how to respond to such wonderful people but please know I thank God for you! I thank you for sacrificing your time and money for my family! I pray God would bless you for being so generous and kind. So, as I have always said I want to be open and honest with you so here is some of our struggles lately.
At our previous appointment, we discovered that I had developed polyhydraminos, which is not uncommon for the condition Mabry has. This is the amniotic fluid that cushions the baby. This condition is when you have too much fluid. Well, this last appointment, we discovered that my fluid level had almost doubled. My doctor asked if I was having trouble breathing and informed me we could a procedure to remove some of the fluid but it wasn't without risks and would only be temporary. On the contrary, my breathing has not been too bad. I feel like normal pregnancy breathing but I am more uncomfortable as I am taking on more fluid my belly is getting larger quicker. In addition to this, I have been having what are called braxton hics contractions, which I have had with both boys in the past so I am used to them but I told my dr they were different this time. My belly stays what seems like a constant contraction and then I will have a contraction on top of that. He told me that this was caused by the fluid and said it could put me into premature labor. I was 31 weeks on Monday. He suggested I take it easy, kind of like a light bed rest. Seriously??!?!?! With two little boys?!?!? I stopped working for now because they were way worse when I worked. Now I have them almost anytime I do housework or too much. Today I went to the grocery store and started having contractions, some that became painful!!! BUT I made it and we have food. Unfortunately, the rest of my day was shot having contractions. Sunday I began having regular painful contractions and we were worried that she was coming but luckily with lots of rest and water they slowed down after about 2 hrs. With all the contractions and possible premature labor, I have been trying to take it really easy at home, which if you know me is quite difficult. I don't just sit on the couch well but this did inspire me to finish preparing for her service, which is actually bringing more peace as I accomplish things. My friend, Danna said today that this is my way of nesting and I thought that is so true - I hadn't really thought of it that way. I am so thankful for her help in planning and arranging all of this (and that she will have help from my friend Suni). I am so thankful for my friend Amanda, who has sadly walked this road and is helping me walk this road. I am thankful for KC, my friend, who is doing all our pictures and helping with the slideshow we are going to play at the service. (You like how I am giving shout-outs! Ha ha! I feel bad not naming everyone of my friends - you have all been so amazing!)
Bad transition here but I am tired:
So, two major things have occurred since my last blog. First, Brian and I attempted to see if Mabry could be an organ donor with her condition. Unfortunately, after texting with my doctor, he didn't think her organs would be viable by the time she died. You see, the law states they have to be brain dead before they can make her an organ donor and he felt like by the time she died, (which would not be long after she is born) her organs will have already suffered too much for lack of oxygen. I think we were both really bummed about this but glad we attempted to check into it.
Secondly, one night I sat down with Brian and told him there was one thing I was unsettled on, cremation. Surprisingly he agreed. We talked about the possibility of burial and then I spoke with my friend, Amanda, and just felt more at peace with burial. Now, with that being said, I recently after looking at a funeral home's prices for everything have started to panick a little. Why does it cost so much to bury our loved ones? Well, anyway, with that being said, we found an infant casket that we both really liked. I haven't ordered it yet, fear I guess, who wants to order a casket for a baby? Ordering it makes it real! And a headstone - I was just too tired that day. There were so many options. Mostly, I felt like I was just doing it to get it done - emotionless. What's funny is I didn't cry while picking out a casket or looking at headstones, I cried when trying to pick music for the service and looking at slideshows to get ideas. I have cried every day now since Sunday and before that it had probably been a month. I know as time gets closer my emotions are becoming more raw again as I know my heart and spirit is trying to prepare in every way possible for something I cannot prepare myself for. Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone asking for her help with something for the service and it got silent because I started crying - it was actually kind of funny because I think she thought I wasn't there anymore for a second.
The reality is: She is coming, sooner than later. I am sad BUT as a friend and I talked today (and I will share this time and time again until that day) at her funeral we want to celebrate her life. I remember when I was little I always used to say I don't want people to wear BLACK to my funeral. I want them to wear BRIGHT colors! I am heaven with Jesus! And so it is with Mabry! She will be dancing with Jesus and happy and joyful in ways we can't comprehend here on earth. It will be a sad day as our time here on earth will be over BUT is it funny to say I am a little jealous that she gets to go to heaven? I know that all of our days here on this earth are numbered and we are all here for a reason but how amazing will it be when those of us that believe in him get to go to heaven and be in his presence one day! I pray that all of you reading this will join us one day! It is going to be absolutely breath-taking! Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess..... AMEN!
At our previous appointment, we discovered that I had developed polyhydraminos, which is not uncommon for the condition Mabry has. This is the amniotic fluid that cushions the baby. This condition is when you have too much fluid. Well, this last appointment, we discovered that my fluid level had almost doubled. My doctor asked if I was having trouble breathing and informed me we could a procedure to remove some of the fluid but it wasn't without risks and would only be temporary. On the contrary, my breathing has not been too bad. I feel like normal pregnancy breathing but I am more uncomfortable as I am taking on more fluid my belly is getting larger quicker. In addition to this, I have been having what are called braxton hics contractions, which I have had with both boys in the past so I am used to them but I told my dr they were different this time. My belly stays what seems like a constant contraction and then I will have a contraction on top of that. He told me that this was caused by the fluid and said it could put me into premature labor. I was 31 weeks on Monday. He suggested I take it easy, kind of like a light bed rest. Seriously??!?!?! With two little boys?!?!? I stopped working for now because they were way worse when I worked. Now I have them almost anytime I do housework or too much. Today I went to the grocery store and started having contractions, some that became painful!!! BUT I made it and we have food. Unfortunately, the rest of my day was shot having contractions. Sunday I began having regular painful contractions and we were worried that she was coming but luckily with lots of rest and water they slowed down after about 2 hrs. With all the contractions and possible premature labor, I have been trying to take it really easy at home, which if you know me is quite difficult. I don't just sit on the couch well but this did inspire me to finish preparing for her service, which is actually bringing more peace as I accomplish things. My friend, Danna said today that this is my way of nesting and I thought that is so true - I hadn't really thought of it that way. I am so thankful for her help in planning and arranging all of this (and that she will have help from my friend Suni). I am so thankful for my friend Amanda, who has sadly walked this road and is helping me walk this road. I am thankful for KC, my friend, who is doing all our pictures and helping with the slideshow we are going to play at the service. (You like how I am giving shout-outs! Ha ha! I feel bad not naming everyone of my friends - you have all been so amazing!)
Bad transition here but I am tired:
So, two major things have occurred since my last blog. First, Brian and I attempted to see if Mabry could be an organ donor with her condition. Unfortunately, after texting with my doctor, he didn't think her organs would be viable by the time she died. You see, the law states they have to be brain dead before they can make her an organ donor and he felt like by the time she died, (which would not be long after she is born) her organs will have already suffered too much for lack of oxygen. I think we were both really bummed about this but glad we attempted to check into it.
Secondly, one night I sat down with Brian and told him there was one thing I was unsettled on, cremation. Surprisingly he agreed. We talked about the possibility of burial and then I spoke with my friend, Amanda, and just felt more at peace with burial. Now, with that being said, I recently after looking at a funeral home's prices for everything have started to panick a little. Why does it cost so much to bury our loved ones? Well, anyway, with that being said, we found an infant casket that we both really liked. I haven't ordered it yet, fear I guess, who wants to order a casket for a baby? Ordering it makes it real! And a headstone - I was just too tired that day. There were so many options. Mostly, I felt like I was just doing it to get it done - emotionless. What's funny is I didn't cry while picking out a casket or looking at headstones, I cried when trying to pick music for the service and looking at slideshows to get ideas. I have cried every day now since Sunday and before that it had probably been a month. I know as time gets closer my emotions are becoming more raw again as I know my heart and spirit is trying to prepare in every way possible for something I cannot prepare myself for. Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone asking for her help with something for the service and it got silent because I started crying - it was actually kind of funny because I think she thought I wasn't there anymore for a second.
The reality is: She is coming, sooner than later. I am sad BUT as a friend and I talked today (and I will share this time and time again until that day) at her funeral we want to celebrate her life. I remember when I was little I always used to say I don't want people to wear BLACK to my funeral. I want them to wear BRIGHT colors! I am heaven with Jesus! And so it is with Mabry! She will be dancing with Jesus and happy and joyful in ways we can't comprehend here on earth. It will be a sad day as our time here on earth will be over BUT is it funny to say I am a little jealous that she gets to go to heaven? I know that all of our days here on this earth are numbered and we are all here for a reason but how amazing will it be when those of us that believe in him get to go to heaven and be in his presence one day! I pray that all of you reading this will join us one day! It is going to be absolutely breath-taking! Every knee shall bow, every tongue confess..... AMEN!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Chosen
Every Sunday when we go to church, I CANNOT make it through worship without crying. I do not feel lonely or abandoned or overwhelmed with sadness (strange right?) I feel God's love carrying me through this! Everytime! Yes, I am sad but his love is greater for me. I know he loves Mabry more than I ever could. He created her. I think Brian and I are both getting a little nervous as the time draws closer. We sat outside church this week before we went to pick up the boys and I told him, "It's getting closer. We really need to get things ready for the memorial service so we are not worried with this when she arrives." With some of her complications we are expecting her to come earlier than my due date. IT could be as soon as early August. That is less than a month away. One more month may be all we have left before it's over, she is gone. No more being pregnant, no more feeling her kick, gone. I am not ready but I never will be. I know I need to trust that it will all be just as God planned, perfect and beautiful, but that still doesn't make it any easier. Discussing a funeral service for your daughter with your husband just seems so surreal. This past month has seemed fairly normal. Life has been going on and happening. BUT Sunday, we both realized she will be here soon. Details, details, details. Pictures of us and her, colors and themes, music, scripture, ushers, where, when, what to do with kids, slide show, ect. There are so many details to a funeral. We have been putting it off and now we feel a stronger since of urgency to get it done, to be prepared, so that when she comes when can focus on her. Loving every precious moment we have with her. I talked with Carson tonight and told him Mabry could be here soon but that she would be going to heaven shortly after she gets here. I also told him that mommy and daddy would be happy and sad. He laughed and said in a funny voice - happy and sad?? ha ha ha ha. I explained that you could be happy and sad at the same time. He told me he wasn't going to be sad, well, maybe a little sad but not alot. I asked him if he wanted to hold her and spend time with her before she went to heaven and he said, "yes, Bennett is too little to hold her". I told him we would help him hold her but that all he would probably do is say baby, baby. Carson laughed and agreed. I am cherishing these short conversations we are having, as he doesn't say much usually. I love the innocence and happiness of children. I am thankful for his laughter. We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and will have yet another ultrasound to see how she is doing. It is so sweet to watch her move and suck her thumb. I have been having lots of braxton hics contractions lately and some real contractions as well. I even had to leave work the other day because I was having so many and my back starting hurting really bad. This makes me a little fearful that it could be sooner than later but I have to keep telling myself, it will be perfect, just as he planned.
This past Sunday one thought remained in my mind, "We were chosen." We were chosen to have a daughter, our first one, after having two boys. We were chosen to carry a daughter who would have a lethal condition that would not allow her to survive after birth. God knew we would decide to carry her for as long as possible. We were chosen for this journey, this burden, this gift. I say burden and gift all in the same because I do feel it is a burden but it is also a blessing and a gift to be CHOSEN to be a part of this story. Jesus says, I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do (John 17:4). This is where I see what we are going through as a blessing, a gift. God chose Brian and I to be the parents of Mabry, whose life on earth is expected to be short, but very meaningful and powerful while in the womb and after she goes to heaven. The story of God's grace and love on our family will be forever. We will praise his name always! I know many struggle with the why of all this and how can you see God's love and grace in losing an infant. I don't struggle with the why and am certain it is because of my faith - I know we live in a fallen world but as was said in my Sunday School class this last week - he is sovereign over everything including Satan, who is claimed to be the ruler of this world. BUT knowing we live in a fallen world where there will be illnesses and cancer and other horrific things - this is not the end of this great LOVE story! God sent his son to die so that we may leave eternally with him! He ALLOWED his son to die for you! For each of us! Can you imagine? Allowing your child to die so that someone else might have eternal joy? God is preparing a place, a perfect place of beauty and joy that we can all together enjoy one day. And for now, Mabry gets to bypass this fallen world for a perfect place.
Another thought I want to share is I have always heard (and actually thought the same thing until recently) that when you get to heaven you can ask God WHY? We had a miscarriage with our very first at around 12 wks. People want to ask God why? Why did you allow that to happen or why didn't you make that happen? After experiencing what we are going through - I feel like God revealed something to my heart that brings me peace - maybe it will for you too. I can honestly say now that when I get to heaven I am not going to ask WHY? I honestly don't think I will care anymore at that point. We will have no more sorrow, pain or burdens. Only joy! Those things that we wrestled with on earth will no longer burden us. I mean think about it - we will be in the presence of the almighty God! I think we will all be so overwhelmed with his presence, love, beauty and joy that we won't care anymore. All we will want to do is worship him! Hallelujah! Amen!
Now from another perspective I have: I mentioned that being chosen was a gift, a blessing BUT also a burden. Yes, my faith brings me comfort and peace when times are hard but let me share another's struggling story with you. When we found out about Mabry we were going through the book of John in our sunday school class. A story, a strong emotion, stood out to me. It is when Jesus goes the garden of Gesthemane. Listen, he says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Matthew 26:38. Then continuing with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father if it is possible, may this cup (burden) be taken from me. Yet not my will but yours be done" Now what is important to note here is he goes away a second time and prays this yet again, vs 42: My father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done. AND YET AGAIN, HE PRAYS THIS PRAYER A 3rd TIME. This passage just rang throughout my mind. And I kept thinking, THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!! I understand that God is sovereign and if he wanted Mabry to be healthy and survive - then he is ABSOLUTELY capable of this! BUT I learned several years ago as I was growing and maturing in my faith - Not my will but his will! I know there is a reason GOD chose us. I do not know specifically what it is but I pray that he will be glorified, that one person or many reading this may see his great and amazing love for you!!! With all that said, it is not an easy road to walk. I mean look at Jesus, sinless, cried out 3x to take this (burden) from him. His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!!! He understands our sorrow, our sadness, he knows he has been there! God understands my sadness - he sent his son to die. He was seperated from his son. There is so much to this story if you don't know it. I know many are sad for us and cry tears of sadness and "can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child" BUT my God does, his son died for me and you! He rose from the dead and lives and was reunited with his father. We will be reunited with our daughter one day and what a glorious day it will be!!!
This past Sunday one thought remained in my mind, "We were chosen." We were chosen to have a daughter, our first one, after having two boys. We were chosen to carry a daughter who would have a lethal condition that would not allow her to survive after birth. God knew we would decide to carry her for as long as possible. We were chosen for this journey, this burden, this gift. I say burden and gift all in the same because I do feel it is a burden but it is also a blessing and a gift to be CHOSEN to be a part of this story. Jesus says, I have brought you glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do (John 17:4). This is where I see what we are going through as a blessing, a gift. God chose Brian and I to be the parents of Mabry, whose life on earth is expected to be short, but very meaningful and powerful while in the womb and after she goes to heaven. The story of God's grace and love on our family will be forever. We will praise his name always! I know many struggle with the why of all this and how can you see God's love and grace in losing an infant. I don't struggle with the why and am certain it is because of my faith - I know we live in a fallen world but as was said in my Sunday School class this last week - he is sovereign over everything including Satan, who is claimed to be the ruler of this world. BUT knowing we live in a fallen world where there will be illnesses and cancer and other horrific things - this is not the end of this great LOVE story! God sent his son to die so that we may leave eternally with him! He ALLOWED his son to die for you! For each of us! Can you imagine? Allowing your child to die so that someone else might have eternal joy? God is preparing a place, a perfect place of beauty and joy that we can all together enjoy one day. And for now, Mabry gets to bypass this fallen world for a perfect place.
Another thought I want to share is I have always heard (and actually thought the same thing until recently) that when you get to heaven you can ask God WHY? We had a miscarriage with our very first at around 12 wks. People want to ask God why? Why did you allow that to happen or why didn't you make that happen? After experiencing what we are going through - I feel like God revealed something to my heart that brings me peace - maybe it will for you too. I can honestly say now that when I get to heaven I am not going to ask WHY? I honestly don't think I will care anymore at that point. We will have no more sorrow, pain or burdens. Only joy! Those things that we wrestled with on earth will no longer burden us. I mean think about it - we will be in the presence of the almighty God! I think we will all be so overwhelmed with his presence, love, beauty and joy that we won't care anymore. All we will want to do is worship him! Hallelujah! Amen!
Now from another perspective I have: I mentioned that being chosen was a gift, a blessing BUT also a burden. Yes, my faith brings me comfort and peace when times are hard but let me share another's struggling story with you. When we found out about Mabry we were going through the book of John in our sunday school class. A story, a strong emotion, stood out to me. It is when Jesus goes the garden of Gesthemane. Listen, he says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Matthew 26:38. Then continuing with verse 39: "Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father if it is possible, may this cup (burden) be taken from me. Yet not my will but yours be done" Now what is important to note here is he goes away a second time and prays this yet again, vs 42: My father if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done. AND YET AGAIN, HE PRAYS THIS PRAYER A 3rd TIME. This passage just rang throughout my mind. And I kept thinking, THIS IS HOW I FEEL!!! I understand that God is sovereign and if he wanted Mabry to be healthy and survive - then he is ABSOLUTELY capable of this! BUT I learned several years ago as I was growing and maturing in my faith - Not my will but his will! I know there is a reason GOD chose us. I do not know specifically what it is but I pray that he will be glorified, that one person or many reading this may see his great and amazing love for you!!! With all that said, it is not an easy road to walk. I mean look at Jesus, sinless, cried out 3x to take this (burden) from him. His soul was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death!!! He understands our sorrow, our sadness, he knows he has been there! God understands my sadness - he sent his son to die. He was seperated from his son. There is so much to this story if you don't know it. I know many are sad for us and cry tears of sadness and "can't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child" BUT my God does, his son died for me and you! He rose from the dead and lives and was reunited with his father. We will be reunited with our daughter one day and what a glorious day it will be!!!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Pictures
Thanks to KC Brashear Photography for capturing 
something so sad but so beautiful to us. The memories of our precious daughter Mabry will never be forgotten and now we can remember them always with these beautiful family pictures. We are so blessed to have KC, who is a sister in christ, share in this journey with us. She will be joining us as we bring Mabry into this world to take pictures again once we get to meet her face to face. Thank you Lord for giving us tangible ways to remember our daughter!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)