Sadness

Tonight, or I guess now I should say last night, Brian and I watched a movie together.  It ended late but for some reason I felt anxious unable to sleep, so I decided to pick up and read some more of the book, "I Will Carry You".  This book is about a family that also lost their daughter about 2 hrs after she was born.  As I picked up where I left off at 12:30am I thought to myself, I HATE this book!  Tonight I read the part in the book where she gave birth to her daughter and buried her.  I thought I have been doing so well, life has been somewhat normal these past couple of weeks and here I had to go and read this and start weeping bitterly over what is to come.  (Obviously I don't really hate this book, but I have been able to feel slightly normal, escape some of the emotional pain for now UNTIL I started reading this part in the book).  Tonight, while all have been asleep in our house, I have been sobbing and sobbing.  Tonight, I thought about what it will be like to go through laboring and pushing her out, only to say goodbye!  How will I contain myself when I see her and hold her, knowing it is temporary and she will never come home with me!  I am not angry despite what it may seem here - just scared!  I am not strong enough to do this!  How do I watch my son look at her and hold her only to say she won't be coming home with us?  How do I watch her take her last breath?  How do I bury an infant? How do I say goodbye?  How do I go on after she is gone?  YES, I find comfort that she will be in the arms of Jesus - there is no better place to be BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!  Tonight my emotions are raw and my heart aches when I think about everything that is coming.  SO, I started praying, maybe, I don't even know if I was praying, asking questions, or just feeling.  ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS I FELT LIKE GOD SAID TO ME:  I WILL BE THERE, I WILL BE THERE THROUGH ALL OF IT.  And this gives me peace.  I cannot explain only leave you with this: His word is alive!!
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3