So for those of you that know me I can be very scattered in my thoughts and sometimes they can be challenging to follow. But here goes: NUMB. That is one word to sum up where I feel like I am right now. Life is going on. We closed on our house, I am starting to try and pack our house to move to our new rent house about a mile away. I feel normal - most of the time. I was blessed by an amazing family, who are having there daughter babysit my boys for one day a week for a couple of hours so I can spend time to myself running errands, having quiet time or whatever I need. I am so grateful. This last week, I ran some errands and one of them was taking a trip to the christian bookstore to look for a bible I wanted and a book on JOB. I found myself looking for a bible for Mabry (a little pink one to put her footprints on when she is born). Then I went to the clearance section and found a small pink photo album that was pink and white that said I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I had to do everything in me to keep from breaking down at the store. Otherwise, I have been fine. I have been doing life like normal - spending time with my kids, packing, cleaning, laundry, cooking and spending time with friends.
I have several friends that are either pregnant right now or recently had a baby. Seeing the babies is not difficult, surprisingly, but when I hear them start talking about giving birth and the first few weeks, I find myself wanting to get caught up in the conversation to. But then I remember, it will not be like that for me. She will not be coming home with me like their baby will. I find myself wanting to drown out there conversation. I am SO happy for them but it just reminds me of what is coming. I don't ever want them to feel bad for talking about what an amazing blessing God is giving them. God is blessing me too, it will just look differently. So, if you are one of my friends that is pregnant and reading this - please don't stop talking about your new precious bundles of joy that are coming, God gives me peace and will sustain me. Don't try to "watch" what you say around me - I will be ok! I am actually thankful for these moments to remind me as sometimes I think it is easier to try and not think about it.
On another note, I have even started planning Mabry's memorial service - colors, flowers, ect. I told Brian on his next call day we needed to go to a funeral home and talk with them about whatever it is you have to do for a funeral. I just feel so NUMB to all of this right now. I continue to have people asking me everywhere I go - when are you due? what are you having? Oh, a girl, how exciting! I bet you can't wait. She is going to be the princess! I am becoming numb to these questions and comments. How do I just tell some random stranger in passing No, she will not be the princess - she is not going to survive after birth. It seems like there is never a good moment to have a conversation with someone. There are even people at work that don't know and Brian's co-workers that don't know. I had two of them ask me all those questions yesterday at his residency graduation ceremony. They don't know me, they only know Brian - but still sometimes I just wish I could shout it from everywhere so people would know BUT I know that is not possible. Please pray that GOD would give me peace when it is NOT time to share and give me the strength and words to say when it IS time to share!!!
Also, Brian had some thoughts during his quiet time that I wanted to share that were interesting. In the book of JOB, God tells Satan to test Job! So Satan takes away all of his livestock (which would be like all of his savings and ability to make money to provide for himself and his family) and then at the same time of bankrupting him, Satan kills all of his 7 children in one swoop! Can you imagine? All of your money GONE, way of making money GONE, ALL of your children GONE ALL 7. And do you know what he says, " Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lorn gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Can you believe that? He has nothing but his wife and his health and he still praises the Lord!!! There is more to this story - it doesn't end here. Brian and I are planning to study JOB more intently and I hope to share as we go along. Brian has shared with me this: It is not random that we are pregnant with a daughter that is not going to survive. It is not random that we know 2 other couples that this has happened to in our small town of Temple. And recently, some friends of ours that moved from Temple last year, found out AFTER there daughter was born that she has down syndrome - Not random. God knew! He has always known! You ask why? I encourage you to read the whole book of JOB and see what God says in the end to JOB.
Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Faith - this is the key!
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see!!! Wow! This is one of the hardest things imaginable but yet the most peaceful.
I am glad I blogged tonight! I have been praying God would give me the words to type and whether or not they challenge you internally or encourage you tonight - they have brought me comfort and peace tonight. Thank you God for sustaining me!!
Psalm 139:13-16
ReplyDeleteFor you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Heather, this scripture came on my heart to share with you. I don't know if you remember me or not. But my mom, Helen, worked with your mom, Bonnie for years. I think you were at my wedding, but you were just a little girl then. Mom told me of your situation and shared your blog with me. I can only imagine the emotions you are feeling right now, and as a mother myself, my heart breaks for you. I work for the BEST Maternal-Fetal Medicine doctor in Oklahoma, so I know what you are facing. I must tell you that your blog has lifted me up today in seeing the strong faith that you and your husband have together. And as a mom of a special needs child myself, I won't say I understand what you're going through, but speaking from experience FAITH, HOPE & TRUST in the Lord is the only thing to give you strength in the days ahead. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you so much for sharing Mabry's story. We are praying for your family and have been blessed by your faith. God is good! All the time!
ReplyDeleteI know how hard this must be for you. About a year ago I was pregnant with a little boy we had name Noah and when I went to my fifth month checkup i found out Noah bidn't have a heart anymore. It was so hard going to the hospital to have an induction and knowing that I would never bring him home. I have 3 other children and they were all excited about having a litlle brothet or sister. It was hard coming home . I was more like you not that I didn't think about him ,but I have 3 other kids that need me. You do think about how they would be like what they would look like. I do believe that gods had other plans for our little ones. The only thing kept me strong was just believing in God. I enjoyed reading your blog its been such and inspiration to me. I will keep you in my prayers.
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