Preparing

Wow! It's been a while since I have blogged.  We have been so busy.  We moved out of our old house and into our new rental house.  Today we said goodbye and turned in the keys.  It wasn't our first house but it was the first house we brought home both boys from the hospital.  Many memories were made in that house over the last four years.  We will miss it but our excited about our new home.  All of this moving has kept us so busy I rarely have time to think about Mabry coming in just 2 months or less.  Brian completed his residency! YAY!  He will officially be an anesthesiologist starting July 1.  The road we are going down is not exactly as we thought it would be (moving to San Antonio for a fellowship in pain), but we feel extremely blessed by God and are embracing the next year.  We have such a great support system in Temple with our church and friends that we know we couldn't be in a better place.
So, Brian had scheduled vacation for this last week because we were supposed to be moving to San Antonio but instead he spent the week studying for his boards, unpacking and moving, and we took some time to do some things we had been putting off.  We went to visit with hospice.  We didn't really know what to expect.  First, the RN starts explaining what they offer by telling me stories about 2 little infants that lived for about 2 months after being born and how they helped them.  It really freaked me out!  I have never really considered the thought of bringing Mabry home with us until she passed away in our home, nor had Brian.  This really sent us spinning.  I have always wanted to be open about everything on here so I have to say my initial thoughts are I don't want her to come home.  I don't want to hold her, watch her sleep, love and snuggle with her and feed her only to watch her die a short time after being at home.  I don't know how I could ever look at that pack-n-play the same or even walk into that room everyday knowing that my child once slept in here, I held her in that chair, bathed her in that tub.  In addition, how in the world does a 4 yr old grasp that his sister gets to come home, he gets to hold her and watch her sleep BUT wait now she is gone and will never come back.  All of these thoughts break my heart - I can't imagine.  I don't feel like I could be strong enough.  BUT once again HIS grace is sufficient and if that is his desire, his plan then we will fully embrace it (not without tears and pain).  BUT God is greater than my sorrow and struggles, he is stronger than me and my trials and he WILL sustain us!  With that being said, we are trying to emotionally and mentally prepare for the possibility.  Hospice also helped us to prepare a birth plan.  This gave us some peace about when the day does come.  Everyone that will be around us will know what to do.  The nurses, doctors and staff will all know our wishes.  I didn't even think about all the things ahead of time.  Bathe her? Feed her? oxygen? It was very nice to talk about things we do/don't want.
After talking with hospice, we realized we needed to go visit a funeral home.  We set up an appointment at a place recommended to us by some friends who lost their daughter.  This was so hard! I can't even tell you how hard.  It seemed unreal for parts of it and others all I could think about is I am planning a funeral for a baby, my baby.  The man we spoke with was very matter-of-fact.  I kept telling myself it wasn't that he was being rude, he deals with this stuff all the time.  I am a nurse and sometimes you just get used to death and illness that you become numb to it all around you.  I noticed he said "body" several times.  I know many people would be offended but I wasn't - I get it.  As nervous as I am to write this, I am going to.  Everybody has a right to their opinion and decision. This is only our opinion - you can agree or not agree but please don't share with us.  Brian and I have always wanted to be cremated.  Our bodies are bodies when we die.  We will be in heaven, so neither of us have cared too much what happens to them.  So our initial thought was to have her cremated.  But as we listened to him talk about cremation and urns, we decided we wanted to hear about burial.  Even if we did decide to bury her, it would be so complicated.  We do not know where our permanent residence will be, but most likely it will not be in Texas.  So, we thought we would bury her in Oklahoma, but we weren't sure where.  The funeral director told us we would have to get paperwork stating we could take her body across state lines, we would have to know where we going to put her PERMANENTLY, we could take her in her casket in the back of our car or pay $2.50/mile for them to transport her (not that money would be an issue if this is what we wanted to do).  It was all so overwhelming!  I told Brian I could not ride in the car with her in the back!!!  Then we were back to cremation.  We don't have to make a decision on where we want to put her remains right away.  We would have some time to pray and think about it.  We still haven't 100% made up our minds but we are leaning towards cremation.  They took us in their back room to see some sample urns and they had caskets back there too.  Not infant ones but sample adult ones.  It was so weird being back there.  I have never been involved in planning a funeral.  I can't imagine having to pick out a casket to put a loved one in after they pass away.  I had to leave that room quickly.  It was becoming too much that day.  The rest of the day I felt sad but also peaceful that we were getting some things in place so that when she comes we can solely focus on being with her.  A friend is helping me plan her memorial service - thank goodness.
Needless to say, it has been a long week.  I find myself too busy lately to cry or even think much about it right now but there are times when I am driving down the road and the tears come. They are brief for now but I know a river of tears is coming.  I am just about 29wks and most likely we will have to induce early because of some complications, which means it is coming quickly.  There are days when it feels like I have been carrying her forever, like when I am hot and tired but then there are others when I feel like I need more time to prepare.  It is then that I have to remind myself, this is not about me!  God has a precious amazing plan for her entry and departure from this world - I may not understand it but my faith believes it to be amazing and beautiful.  And as hard as it is at times to say, I am thankful God chose my family for this purpose.  I pray that we can be faithful to his plan and that he may be glorified in it all! He is MY JOY, MY PEACE, MY SALVATION!
I am praying tonight and this week for those of you that will read this!  Praying that God would touch your heart in an amazing, ever-changing way!