In the Quiet

Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths. I called for the hospice nurse who came in as always with her soothing, calming, supportive presence.  She listened for a heart beat with her stethescope and nodded her head at me.  We all knew that she had passed.  I remember at one point telling her it was ok to go to heaven and that she would have so much fun there and that Jesus would love her so much.  She was gone.  It was over.  Our time with her had come and gone.  My youngest sister was there with us and then my parents came in to say goodbye.  I was utterly exhausted and in pain.  I had been sitting up for hours and had not taken a pain pill (I didn't want to be lethargic or fall asleep; I didn't want to miss one moment).  After my family left we decided it was time to do our footprints.  We had bought all of us new bibles, including the boys, and had footprints placed in the bibles.  It felt like it took forever.  Brian helped the nurses while I sat there (my pain had gotten pretty bad).  It seemed like an eternity.  Then it was done.  The nurse and hospice nurse left us alone with her and just said to call when we were ready.  Honestly Brian and I had talked that we didn't want to keep her long after she had passed.  We were afraid of how her body would change (me being an ICU nurse and him being a physician) we knew post-mortem could be not so pleasant to watch.  BUT we wanted to be with her, we wanted to hold her and look at her.  We took turns holding her with silence in the room, it was so peaceful.  Then I decided to hold her to my chest and wrap my arms around her.  I then realized I had not done this while she was alive - why?  The only thing I could come up with was that I was afraid she would stop breathing if I changed her position.  I clung to her in this position - it was so comforting to hold her to my chest and kiss her sweet head.  I could tell we didn't want to let her go!!!!  We knew we would have and after a while we started noticing changes to her body.  We talked about how we weren't ready to let her go but that we NEVER would be, SO we prayed together over her body, rejoicing that we had so much time with her but that she was now in heaven with Jesus.  Then we called for the nurse to come get her.  She wrapped her up in the things we decided to bury her in and we kissed on her on the head and watched the nurse walk out the door with her to never see her again.  THAT WAS THE HARDEST THING TO DO THROUGH THIS WHOLE THING!!!  Watching them take her away to know that it was over and we would never see her again was SO HARD.  After she left, we sat there for a few minutes in the silence and then in utter exhaustion, we crawled up on the couch bed and held each other as we fell asleep.  Soon, it was shift change and time to start the new day.  We were up and getting ready to leave the hospital.  Filling out information for a birth certificate and discharge papers, and packing everything to take home.  Our doctor came by to see us as I was brushing me teeth.  I was SO excited to tell him, "Did you hear?  She lived 6 1/2 hours (he had only seen them really live about an hour and she was 33 1/2 weeks old).  He smiled and said he had heard.  I was so thankful for him, what an amazing compassionate doctor.  And then we went home to our boys and family.  
I want to post one more time to talk about the service and hope to get to that soon.  It has almost been one month since she was born and died.  Mostly the days are ok, busy with two boys and Brian working but every couple of days we are reminded of our loss here on earth and are saddened BUT I find comfort in the truth that she is heaven playing!  Carson asked me just yesterday if we could get a pacifier to Mabry in heaven and I told him God has 100 million pacifiers in heaven because there are lots of babies in heaven with Jesus.  Carson reassures me that she is happy and playing in heaven!!  Thank you for all your support and prayers.  We are truly blessed!  

Oh the joy!

It has been a while since I have blogged but I just didn't have it in me.  I have been physically and emotionally exhausted.  I really want to share the story of Mabry's entry and departure from this world.  We were admitted to the hospital around 6am on July 31st.  My poor doctor had been on call the night before but had luckily gotten a little sleep.  The process began and at one point my water was broken but due to the polyhydraminos, we needed something to catch the enormous amount of water.  My husband and I joked with the nurse and doctor that we needed a swimming pool but in all seriousness we could have used one.  At first, Brian (the doctor) and myself (the nurse) were fascinaed by how much fluid was draining.  We joked about measuring it and finally had the doctor and nurse convinced we needed to measure the amount of fluid.  I had been carrying around just a little under 5 liters of fluid!!!  That is 2.5 bottles of pop!!!!!  As the fluid started draining I could instantly take a deep breath.  It was so weird, I hadn't been able to do that in several weeks.  It felt strange to be able to take a deep breath.  My belly was instantly sooo much smaller.  I actually looked more like 33 weeks pregnant instead of 40+ weeks or as I said (what I would look like pregnant with twins).  So, needless to say, we were able to find some humor in our circumstances AND we were surrounded by amazing friends and ALL of our immediate family.  We were so blessed! 
It was a long day, but luckily I had lots of friends in and out, along with almost all of our family. As per my norm with my other kids, I did not progress quickly.  I really don't need to go into a long detailed laboring experience so I am going to skip to her birth.  I had started shaking and vomitting, which my nurse said could be signs of transitioning (baby coming) but she told me I would feel pressure down there.  Well, I had been sitting up for several hours so all of my epidural medicine had made my bottom completely numb.  I was still having abdominal pain but couldn't feel any pressure, so I laid the head of my bed down.  Still shaking and having quite a bit of pain despite increasing my epidural, all of a sudden I could feel down there again and FELT PRESSURE.  The texts started blowing up people's phones.  KC, my amazing friend and photographer, my family to get the kids up there ASAP and some friends. Remember, we had no idea how much time we would have with her and I was only 33 wks.  Once I realized I wasn't making it up and was feeling lots of pressure - I started crying.  It was time!  I was not ready but I was ready.  I was nervous, I was excited, I was scared, and I was sad.  I was also so blessed to have my doctor at the hospital on his post call day that he came to my bedside within 10 min to tell me she was right there and it was time.  They started prepping me and the room.  It seemed to go by so fast and I was so worried that Carson (my oldest son) wouldn't make it back to the hospital in time or my friend KC wouldn't make it to take photographs. They were just about ready for me to push when I asked the Dr and nurses if they would step out for just a minute so my husband and I could pray.  My Dr said sure but had to check one more time to make sure she wasn't already coming out on her own - she wasn't thankfully!  So after they stepped out Brian grabbed my hand and started crying.  He couldn't stop.  I asked him if he wanted me to pray and he just nodded yes.  I prayed to God thanking him for finally letting us meet our daughter!  I asked for peace and I cried out for TIME - precious time.  I asked he would give us time to enjoy her, time for our family and friends to meet her!!! HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!!  She was literally out in 3 measly pushes.  The Dr placed her on my abdomen. She wasn't wiped off before being given to me so I noticed for the first time how bloody babies really are when they first come out but I didn't care.  I rubbed her little tummy and head.  I had a friend ask me several days later when we were alone - what was the first thing you thought when you saw her?  Without even stopping to think I said PRETTY!  Then I said she looked a lot better than I was expecting (with all her genetic abnormalities).  She was so beautiful!  Both Brian and I were overwhelmed with JOY!  I can't even explain it - I had no tears - I had smiles.  God blessed me with this amazing beautiful baby girl!  She was so precious.  Yes, she had some visible abnormalities but to me she was perfect and I am not going to lie I was a little nervous about how she would look and would I be able to see past the abnormalities  - but I did.  Every single one of them!  She was gorgeous and I was so happy!  Carson got to come see her first and he just loved her too!  He smiled!  He kissed her head, he touched her head, hands and feet.  He held her in his arms.  He was so proud to be her big brother!
Next, family and friends came in to see her.  Remember how I said that GOD HEARD MY CRY? Well, everyone there got to hold her, watch her, look at her toes and hands, trade blankets and headbows and listen to her coo. I watched everyone's faces as they held her so happy that they got to see my beautiful daughter.  Our Sunday school teacher prayed over Mabry and her precious life that she had shared with all of us and you (as you have read and followed her story).  She was born on July 31, 2013 at 09:10pm.  She weighed 4lbs 5oz and was 13in long.  I have to tell you we were so blessed, but I kept watching the clock just waiting in anticipation, 10:10pm she was still alive and breathing, 10:40, still alive and breathing, 11:10 still alive and breathing.  It had been 2hrs and she was still alive - what a miracle!  12:20 she had been on earth for 2 days - July 31 and now August 1.  GOD IS SO GOOD!  But she didn't stop there!  A little after 12 I noticed she kept grimacing and I didn't want her to be in pain so my hospice nurse came in and gave her some pain medicine, which seemed to calm her down.  Another hour or two later she seemed a little more fussy and I got a little worried so I tried giving her a drop of milk.  Finally after being alive for 5 HOURS she cried (which with her poor lung development was impressive), I called the hospice nurse back in because I couldn't take her being upset and we tried to problem solve what was wrong.  She then looked at me and said, "Have you checked her diaper?"  I wanted to laugh!  I still got to have a "bad mommy moment" before she went to heaven.  I never expected her to live long enough to even change a diaper!  My husband took her to the warmer and we found that she had pooped!  That was funny in itself but on top of that we didn't really know how to wipe a girl!  We have two boys!  I am thankful for the humor at different times during her short time with us and I don't feel guilty or bad that I missed the obvious - it is all part of her story!
  At around 3:00am Brian was struggling to stay awake, I sat holding her in my arms while I talked to my sister.  I even had to tell her if I fall asleep grab her!!!  I had already caught Brian asleep with her twice!  So many times during the night we had thought she stopped breathing and she would trick us and take a deep breath right as the hospice nurse would enter the room.  I finally noticed at 3:20 her breathing had slowed way down and then less and less.  Finally around 3:36AM I reached down and held my hand to her chest and no more breaths.

Brian and I both kissed her goodbye and called the hospice nurse to confirm, who listened for a heartbeat and confirmed that she was gone.
To be continued:  I cannot finish typing anymore tonight. I am tired and weary but really want to share her LIFESONG with you all since you have followed us this far.  Please bear with me I will try to finish it soon!  I have so many amazing pictures I want to share!!!

Homeward Bound

So hard to find the time or desire to blog lately.  I hope to really sit down and share our story with all of you very soon but for now it will be short as I am exhausted.  I made it!  5 days on bedrest and Brian completed his boards.  We were admitted to the hospital on Wednesday AM.  All of our family was able to be here.  Sweet and precious Mabry was born on July 31,2013 at 9:10pm. I asked the doctor and staff to step outside and give us a moment to pray for we started pushing.  Brian started crying and couldn't speak so I prayed for us.  I cried out to God to give us time to spend with her so all could see her and hold her.  HE HEARD MY CRY!!!!!! She was only expected to live for 1-2hours MAX but lived for 6 1/2 hrs.  All of our family and some of our friends were there to hold on her and love her.  She was beautiful and precious.  Carson, our oldest son, loved her too!  He kissed her, held her, touched her and liked flicking her hands and feet (ha ha).  Bennett liked seeing the "baby" too.  Although in the grand scheme of things, she did not live long, it seemed like an eternity for us that night.  An eternity where I treasured every single moment, every single breath.  I had been awake since 5am and refused to take pain meds or lay down.  I didn't want to miss one moment!  I know later I will feel like it was nothing close to an eternity but in that day, TIME stood still. It was so amazing and precious! I have so many things I want to tell you about that day and into the night but that story will have to come later as I am too fatigued.  I want to give you details.  I want to thank you for sharing this blog.  The labor and delivery nurses, who I did NOT know prior to this, were telling me that our blog showed up on their FB page!!!  WOW!  I also want to share that my blog reports that over 26,000 people have read our blog.  God is so good! I will share more soon.  We are having a memorial service to honor our daughter's life this Saturday August 3, 2013 at 10am at Temple Bible Church in Temple, Texas.  Tomorrow will be a day of celebration.  I will be wearing a bright colored dress and have asked all those in attendance to wear bright colors.  Our daughter is heaven with Jesus!  This calls for a celebration!