Preparing

Wow! It's been a while since I have blogged.  We have been so busy.  We moved out of our old house and into our new rental house.  Today we said goodbye and turned in the keys.  It wasn't our first house but it was the first house we brought home both boys from the hospital.  Many memories were made in that house over the last four years.  We will miss it but our excited about our new home.  All of this moving has kept us so busy I rarely have time to think about Mabry coming in just 2 months or less.  Brian completed his residency! YAY!  He will officially be an anesthesiologist starting July 1.  The road we are going down is not exactly as we thought it would be (moving to San Antonio for a fellowship in pain), but we feel extremely blessed by God and are embracing the next year.  We have such a great support system in Temple with our church and friends that we know we couldn't be in a better place.
So, Brian had scheduled vacation for this last week because we were supposed to be moving to San Antonio but instead he spent the week studying for his boards, unpacking and moving, and we took some time to do some things we had been putting off.  We went to visit with hospice.  We didn't really know what to expect.  First, the RN starts explaining what they offer by telling me stories about 2 little infants that lived for about 2 months after being born and how they helped them.  It really freaked me out!  I have never really considered the thought of bringing Mabry home with us until she passed away in our home, nor had Brian.  This really sent us spinning.  I have always wanted to be open about everything on here so I have to say my initial thoughts are I don't want her to come home.  I don't want to hold her, watch her sleep, love and snuggle with her and feed her only to watch her die a short time after being at home.  I don't know how I could ever look at that pack-n-play the same or even walk into that room everyday knowing that my child once slept in here, I held her in that chair, bathed her in that tub.  In addition, how in the world does a 4 yr old grasp that his sister gets to come home, he gets to hold her and watch her sleep BUT wait now she is gone and will never come back.  All of these thoughts break my heart - I can't imagine.  I don't feel like I could be strong enough.  BUT once again HIS grace is sufficient and if that is his desire, his plan then we will fully embrace it (not without tears and pain).  BUT God is greater than my sorrow and struggles, he is stronger than me and my trials and he WILL sustain us!  With that being said, we are trying to emotionally and mentally prepare for the possibility.  Hospice also helped us to prepare a birth plan.  This gave us some peace about when the day does come.  Everyone that will be around us will know what to do.  The nurses, doctors and staff will all know our wishes.  I didn't even think about all the things ahead of time.  Bathe her? Feed her? oxygen? It was very nice to talk about things we do/don't want.
After talking with hospice, we realized we needed to go visit a funeral home.  We set up an appointment at a place recommended to us by some friends who lost their daughter.  This was so hard! I can't even tell you how hard.  It seemed unreal for parts of it and others all I could think about is I am planning a funeral for a baby, my baby.  The man we spoke with was very matter-of-fact.  I kept telling myself it wasn't that he was being rude, he deals with this stuff all the time.  I am a nurse and sometimes you just get used to death and illness that you become numb to it all around you.  I noticed he said "body" several times.  I know many people would be offended but I wasn't - I get it.  As nervous as I am to write this, I am going to.  Everybody has a right to their opinion and decision. This is only our opinion - you can agree or not agree but please don't share with us.  Brian and I have always wanted to be cremated.  Our bodies are bodies when we die.  We will be in heaven, so neither of us have cared too much what happens to them.  So our initial thought was to have her cremated.  But as we listened to him talk about cremation and urns, we decided we wanted to hear about burial.  Even if we did decide to bury her, it would be so complicated.  We do not know where our permanent residence will be, but most likely it will not be in Texas.  So, we thought we would bury her in Oklahoma, but we weren't sure where.  The funeral director told us we would have to get paperwork stating we could take her body across state lines, we would have to know where we going to put her PERMANENTLY, we could take her in her casket in the back of our car or pay $2.50/mile for them to transport her (not that money would be an issue if this is what we wanted to do).  It was all so overwhelming!  I told Brian I could not ride in the car with her in the back!!!  Then we were back to cremation.  We don't have to make a decision on where we want to put her remains right away.  We would have some time to pray and think about it.  We still haven't 100% made up our minds but we are leaning towards cremation.  They took us in their back room to see some sample urns and they had caskets back there too.  Not infant ones but sample adult ones.  It was so weird being back there.  I have never been involved in planning a funeral.  I can't imagine having to pick out a casket to put a loved one in after they pass away.  I had to leave that room quickly.  It was becoming too much that day.  The rest of the day I felt sad but also peaceful that we were getting some things in place so that when she comes we can solely focus on being with her.  A friend is helping me plan her memorial service - thank goodness.
Needless to say, it has been a long week.  I find myself too busy lately to cry or even think much about it right now but there are times when I am driving down the road and the tears come. They are brief for now but I know a river of tears is coming.  I am just about 29wks and most likely we will have to induce early because of some complications, which means it is coming quickly.  There are days when it feels like I have been carrying her forever, like when I am hot and tired but then there are others when I feel like I need more time to prepare.  It is then that I have to remind myself, this is not about me!  God has a precious amazing plan for her entry and departure from this world - I may not understand it but my faith believes it to be amazing and beautiful.  And as hard as it is at times to say, I am thankful God chose my family for this purpose.  I pray that we can be faithful to his plan and that he may be glorified in it all! He is MY JOY, MY PEACE, MY SALVATION!
I am praying tonight and this week for those of you that will read this!  Praying that God would touch your heart in an amazing, ever-changing way!

The Body

What a day!  I typed this big long post and thought I had saved most of it while I was typing and then I got logged out and it disappeared into thin air.  I am too tired to retype everything I wrote before so I am going to go with what is most important.
The days have become mundane.  We are working diligently to get moved over into our new house.  It is only a mile away but I have been loading the pilot endlessly and taking loads over there.  God has given me a physical and emotional strength this week to accomplish these things but now I need to ask for help.  I am tired and worn out!  I have gotten alot done and am super thankful!!  Right now I rarely remember what is coming quickly upon us.  I am so busy trying to get us packed and moved that I don't feel as though I have time to even think about.  Life is doing what it always tends to do, sweep on by.  I feel as though this season is good - I know some of you may think why in the world would you want to forget right now?!?!  I don't - but crying and being sad 24/7 is exhausting and God gave me 2 amazing little boys that I love and want to cherish all the time I have with them while they are little.  Maybe this sounds, like I don't think about her or want to deal with it - not so.  I still have my moments - like when I took Carson to VBS for his very first time on Monday.  When I was walking out of the church I about lost it.  Then, back in May when he had his preschool graduation ceremony and they played the graduation song while they walked down the isle!!!  I think I am realizing the milestones are gonna get me - when I get to see my boys cross those milestones I think something inside me aches knowing I won't get to see her cross those milestones.  Even writing that makes me tear up!! She is so precious in every way and I am so thankful when I get to go to my doctor's appointments - we get to do an ultrasound every time.  Our doctor is great!  He lets me watch her in 3D.  She sucks her thumb and flips around in there.  I love it - those will be some of my most precious memories of her.  I just lay there and watch her.  I can tell she would have been feisty and my boys would have loved having her here to boss them around:)
On another note I want to pick up where I left off with JOB.  If you read my last post, I talked about how in the first chapter Job loses all his financial wealth and ALL of his 7 children but yet still he praised God.  In chapter 2, Satan believes that surely if he inflicted physical suffering on him he would curse God.  So, Job gets these ulcers and sores from head to toe.  Can you imagine?  This made me think about all the people I know that our physically ill and in pain on a constant daily basis BUT yet still they find JOY in God daily.  Amazing!  Next, his wife sees how miserable he is and asks him, Why don't you just curse God.  He replies, Why are you talking like a foolish woman.  Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?  Interesting thought huh?  What I really want to focus on though that really stood out to me is Job's friends.  He has these 3 friends that hear about all his suffering and leave their homes to "sympathize with him and comfort him".
Job 2:12-13
When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to WEEP ALOUD, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.  They they sat on the ground with him for SEVEN DAYS AND SEVEN NIGHTS.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

This amazed me!  These 3 men left their families, traveled who knew how long, to sit and weep with their friend.  Brian and I have seen this committement, this friendship, this love!  We have had some many brothers and sisters in Christ wrap their arms around us and love on us!  We have seen those that are not believers reach out to us!  Really?  I encourage you to think on this dedication of these 3 friends, these 3 brothers and what that must have meant to Job to have them there with him.  He has lost everything - his wealth, health and children.  He is at the bottom and they were there - there to just BE!  They didn't speak for 7 days and 7 nights.  I have to tell you from experience - we are NOT at the bottom - we have 2 wonderful boys, Brian is going to have a great job, we are moving into a rental close by, we are healthy BUT yet we are blessed to have these kinds of friends.  I personally cannot even begin to express what everyone has meant to Brian and I during this time.  We want to thank every person who has sent us an encouraging FB message, email, or done something for us, whether it be a meal, free babysitting, flowers, cards, keepsakes, and anything else I might be forgetting!!!!  So, take from this story what you will but I think it is a really good example of how we can really be the body of Christ to those around us!  God made us relational!  We need each other - we need support - even when we say we don't!  I encourage you if you know someone who has had a rough week or day just to go sit with them and BE there!  It means more than you will ever know:)  God thank you for creating us to be the body!  Thank you that we all need each other and cannot function without each other.  Help us ALL to be the hands and feet you created!  Open our eyes to see those around us hurting, those that need a hug, some flowers, a helping hand; those that just need us to BE THERE!  AMEN
I Corinthians 12:26-27
If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. If one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
I Corinthians 12:12-31 talks all about the body!  Good stuff

Numb

So for those of you that know me I can be very scattered in my thoughts and sometimes they can be challenging to follow.  But here goes:  NUMB.  That is one word to sum up where I feel like I am right now. Life is going on.  We closed on our house, I am starting to try and pack our house to move to our new rent house about a mile away.  I feel normal - most of the time.  I was blessed by an amazing family, who are having there daughter babysit my boys for one day a week for a couple of hours so I can spend time to myself running errands, having quiet time or whatever I need.  I am so grateful.  This last week, I ran some errands and one of them was taking a trip to the christian bookstore to look for a bible I wanted and a book on JOB.  I found myself looking for a bible for Mabry (a little pink one to put her footprints on when she is born).  Then I went to the clearance section and found a small pink photo album that was pink and white that said I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I had to do everything in me to keep from breaking down at the store.  Otherwise, I have been fine.  I have been doing life like normal - spending time with my kids, packing, cleaning, laundry, cooking and spending time with friends.
 I have several friends that are either pregnant right now or recently had a baby.  Seeing the babies is not difficult, surprisingly, but when I hear them start talking about giving birth and the first few weeks, I find myself wanting to get caught up in the conversation to.  But then I remember, it will not be like that for me.  She will not be coming home with me like their baby will.  I find myself wanting to drown out there conversation.  I am SO happy for them but it just reminds me of what is coming.  I don't ever want them to feel bad for talking about what an amazing blessing God is giving them.  God is blessing me too, it will just look differently.  So, if you are one of my friends that is pregnant and reading this - please don't stop talking about your new precious bundles of joy that are coming, God gives me peace and will sustain me.  Don't try to "watch" what you say around me - I will be ok!  I am actually thankful for these moments to remind me as sometimes I think it is easier to try and not think about it.
On another note, I have even started planning Mabry's memorial service - colors, flowers, ect.  I told Brian on his next call day we needed to go to a funeral home and talk with them about whatever it is you have to do for a funeral.  I just feel so NUMB to all of this right now.  I continue to have people asking me everywhere I go - when are you due? what are you having? Oh, a girl, how exciting!  I bet you can't wait.  She is going to be the princess!  I am becoming numb to these questions and comments.  How do I just tell some random stranger in passing No, she will not be the princess - she is not going to survive after birth.  It seems like there is never a good moment to have a conversation with someone.  There are even people at work that don't know and Brian's co-workers that don't know.  I had two of them ask me all those questions yesterday at his residency graduation ceremony.  They don't know me, they only know Brian - but still sometimes I just wish I could shout it from everywhere so people would know BUT I know that is not possible.  Please pray that GOD would give me peace when it is NOT time to share and give me the strength and words to say when it IS time to share!!!
Also, Brian had some thoughts during his quiet time that I wanted to share that were interesting.  In the book of JOB, God tells Satan to test Job!  So Satan takes away all of his livestock (which would be like all of his savings and ability to make money to provide for himself and his family) and then at the same time of bankrupting him, Satan kills all of his 7 children in one swoop!  Can you imagine?  All of your money GONE, way of making money GONE, ALL of your children GONE ALL 7.  And do you know what he says, " Naked I came from my mother's womb and naked I will depart. The Lorn gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."  Can you believe that?  He has nothing but his wife and his health and he still praises the Lord!!!  There is more to this story - it doesn't end here.  Brian and I are planning to study JOB more intently and I hope to share as we go along.  Brian has shared with me this:  It is not random that we are pregnant with a daughter that is not going to survive.  It is not random that we know 2 other couples that this has happened to in our small town of Temple.  And recently, some friends of ours that moved from Temple last year, found out AFTER there daughter was born that she has down syndrome - Not random.  God knew!  He has always known!  You ask why?  I encourage you to read the whole book of JOB and see what God says in the end to JOB.
Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Faith - this is the key!
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see!!!  Wow!  This is one of the hardest things imaginable but yet the most peaceful.
I am glad I blogged tonight!  I have been praying God would give me the words to type and whether or not they challenge you internally or encourage you tonight - they have brought me comfort and peace tonight.  Thank you God for sustaining me!!

So obviously Saturday late night was bad and I didn't get much rest.  There has been this song I have heard several times since we found out about Mabry and it brings me strength and encouragement.  It is called One Thing Remains!  Don't be surprised if you hear this at her funeral.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains

Your LOVE never fails
it never gives up
it never runs out on me

Because ON and ON and ON it goes
For it overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains
Your LOVE never fails
it never gives up
it never runs out on me

I encourage you all to meditate on these words.  It doesn't matter what you have done or haven't done!  He loves ALL of us.  I am overwhelmed by his love!

Sadness

Tonight, or I guess now I should say last night, Brian and I watched a movie together.  It ended late but for some reason I felt anxious unable to sleep, so I decided to pick up and read some more of the book, "I Will Carry You".  This book is about a family that also lost their daughter about 2 hrs after she was born.  As I picked up where I left off at 12:30am I thought to myself, I HATE this book!  Tonight I read the part in the book where she gave birth to her daughter and buried her.  I thought I have been doing so well, life has been somewhat normal these past couple of weeks and here I had to go and read this and start weeping bitterly over what is to come.  (Obviously I don't really hate this book, but I have been able to feel slightly normal, escape some of the emotional pain for now UNTIL I started reading this part in the book).  Tonight, while all have been asleep in our house, I have been sobbing and sobbing.  Tonight, I thought about what it will be like to go through laboring and pushing her out, only to say goodbye!  How will I contain myself when I see her and hold her, knowing it is temporary and she will never come home with me!  I am not angry despite what it may seem here - just scared!  I am not strong enough to do this!  How do I watch my son look at her and hold her only to say she won't be coming home with us?  How do I watch her take her last breath?  How do I bury an infant? How do I say goodbye?  How do I go on after she is gone?  YES, I find comfort that she will be in the arms of Jesus - there is no better place to be BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!  Tonight my emotions are raw and my heart aches when I think about everything that is coming.  SO, I started praying, maybe, I don't even know if I was praying, asking questions, or just feeling.  ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS I FELT LIKE GOD SAID TO ME:  I WILL BE THERE, I WILL BE THERE THROUGH ALL OF IT.  And this gives me peace.  I cannot explain only leave you with this: His word is alive!!
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3