It has been a long time since I blogged and I have to say I was a little skeptical about blogging tonight but I feel as though if I didn't blog I would not be honoring the life I created and carried in my womb for 9 months, the life that I gave birth to, the life I held and cried over many many nights, the life I watched breathe her last breath and die, but most of all the life that impacted so many! Tomorrow, on January 31, 2014, Mabry would have been six months. She would be sitting up with assistance, smiling, having blowout diapers, screaming, pulling my hair, rolling over, babbling and many more things I have seen my friend's children who are Mabry's age doing lately. Some people throw a big celebration for the 6 month milestone, having a cake and pictures, while others just see it as another month (half way to 1). I have never really been one to celebrate this milestone with a special day but this time I am!
I have been doing better. I wouldn't say for me, each day gets better or its a day to day thing. It has always been week to week for me. The difficult weeks have been spaced out further and further. I am still stricken with extreme grief but it is not as often. This last week I was extremely depressed and cried alot. Part of it was also that I had my wisdom teeth out and I was in pain:/ BUT the last two days I really feel like God has moved in me! The last two days I have been thinking about everything from when she was in my womb, the day of delivery, her death and finally her funeral. I even listened to one of the songs we played at the funeral as we were walking out. LifeSong by Casting Crown. some of the words go like this,
"Lord I give my life,
a living sacrifice
to reach a world in need
to be your hands and feet
may the words I say
and the things I do
make my lifesong sing
bring a smile to you
This was HER SONG! This was her purpose! Tonight I talked at our Younglives thing and we talked about one of the hardest questions that I still feel like we will never fully understand: Isaiah 55:8-9 My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
What good people? We are all sinners and in need of being saved. Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (keep reading and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ). .But tonight I realized this question is worded wrong. SO, since we have established that no one is good, what about the other part of that question BAD THINGS. Tonight I realized, what is our human concept of a "bad thing"? When your boyfriend breaks up with you? When you lost your job? When your child dies? When your spouse dies? How do we declare something bad? Remember when something "BAD" happened to you and then miraculously it turned out later that it wasn't such a "BAD" thing after all. Yes, losing my daughter was "BAD" but it also WAS GOOD! These past 2 days instead of crying and weeping for my loss, God has given great joy and peace in remembering the impact her life had on people near and far. I mean, seriously she died 6 months ago and people are still reading my blog, some even for the first time. This "GOOD" outweighs all the "BAD" that has come our way. People have come to know Jesus! They will get to be in heaven with Mabry and my family! Who could ask for anything better than that? Her hands and feet were so tiny but he made them so very MIGHTY! Through her life, she encouraged many to renew their faith in him, have hope, live their lives fully in the moment, cherish there children even more, seek HIM in good times and in BAD! She helped me to share my strength that he has given me and continues to give me! She helped to strengthen my faith, my marriage, my love for my two boys! I am so excited for one day when I get to see her in heaven some day! I just hope I get to be there when he says to MABRY: Well done my good and faithful servant. I am thankful she gave her life for many! It is not always easy and I don't always feel so joyous about it but because he loves me, he is still seeing me through this!
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid
Matthew 5:4
Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted".
Phillipians 4:7
And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
SO tomorrow will be a day of celebration! There may be a few tears but mostly joy!
