Many nights I lay in bed thinking and writing but only "mentally". I don't want to get up and actually blog or journal. I want to sleep. You see I have 2 toddler boys! Makes sense huh? Well, tonight I finally decided to get up because I think I need to share this story with you. First, let me start by saying it has been a rough week. My emotions seem to be on this pendulum that swings SLOWLY from one end to the other, being joyful and doing well to crying and struggling. BUT the more I thought about it - isn't that the christian life? Grief. I learned about it in nursing school and Brian learned about it in medical school but neither of us have really experienced the depth of grief we are now. All I can say, is I would have never understood it unless I had experienced this type of grief. I can't really explain it and I don't know that you will ever understand it unless you experience it. And the type of grief you experience from the loss of a child is different than the loss of a sibling, a parent, a loved one. They are probably all unique in and of themselves. However, difficult the grief, it's important that you hear I am on a "swinging" pendulum. It doesn't stay in one extreme for too long. It always swings the other way. It's still hard when I go shopping and I walk past the girl stuff at the stores. Sometimes it's hard to see other babies and think of what it my life would be like right now. I wonder what kind of clothes, bows and shoes I would dress her in. I wonder how the boys would be with her. I have already thought about christmas. I have seen the "First Thanksgiving and First Christmas" outfits and it always brings me to tears. Sometimes, it seems like the "good" days are longer and other days the "bad" days are longer BUT IT ALWAYS SWINGS. This is by the grace of God, he comforts me and draws me close. Even when I am too weary to open my bible or sometimes even pray. He brings me peace and hope and joy. He renews my spirit and my longing for reading his word. He surrounds me with Godly encouraging women who love me! He reminds me she is in Heaven and to even think of all the lives she has changed, challenged, encouraged - and IT'S STILL WORTH IT~ Thank you Jesus for those sweet reminders!
Now to my story of the day! So, tonight we were having some friends over for dinner and I had to run to the store to grab a few things. As I was walking into the store, there was a homeless couple sitting right outside the doors. My first thought was, "I should buy them some food and give it to them on my way out!" That was it! I moved on to my shopping list. I told myself they probably won't still be there when I come out. I gathered all my stuff in the store - my anti-aging cream, some church shoes for my son, my few little groceries but I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head "Don't forget about the homeless couple outside". I continued to the register without any food items for them. I used the self check out lane and got to my son's shoes - no tag! Dang it! I really wanted those shoes but I am in a hurry and don't want to wait or go grab another pair. I finished paying for my items but then realized I NEED to go get them some food. I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE. I HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH. HE GAVE ME ALL THIS MONEY! I DON'T DESERVE IT, I DIDN'T EARN IT. I started thinking of all the bible verses that called me to give generously and with a good heart, to give freely! I told the cashier to hold the shoes and ran outside to see if they were still there - they were! I ran back to get the shoes with a tag and grabbed some groceries they could eat. SO this time when I walked out I handed them the groceries and he replied, "God Bless". Now some of you may be thinking, Wow what a Saint, right? Nope! I just handed it to them and said here you go and kept moving because I was running late and I was nervous about what to say. Now, as I lay in bed I think of all the good news I could have shared with them. I could have shared how my daughter died a few months ago BUT how great GOD is despite my loss. Anyway, I am sharing this story to encourage you! I know we all feel that "tugging at our heart strings" from time to time. That is JESUS asking you to do his work, to serve his people. He came to serve not be served! He has called us to be like him. I didn't want to do it, but I did and I don't regret it. Just an encouragement to RESPOND! He will do the rest. You can't change their hearts, only he can BUT he will use us to GLORIFY HIM!!!
